Dear Diary

Hi.
Today is Sunday. This weekend was nice. It was good to hang out with Melissa. I wish I wasn't such a dork loser who dislikes going places. I was half wanting to go somewhere but we didn't even have enough motivation to go to Blockbuster. Relaxation is a good thing but I wonder if it enables my panickyness. That's right, and tomorrow I am going to see someone about it. It's related to other things but basically I feel paralyzed every time I want to go somewhere. It started in DC eating at an Indian restaurant. The next big time was eating Indian food with Ian...what a disaster that was. And in between then I would get weird at certain moments but nothing too disruptive. Then it happened again and then again in Scotland, although this time a lot worse. Now it's like every time I want to go anywhere, I mean literally anywhere, I feel like I have to run as fast as I can. I feel sick. Dad said it was time for him to take me overseas again to see what real problems are. Not in those words, but that was definitely insulting. No one seems to really get it, I don't know quite how to explain it. Mom says if I didn't focus so much on myself it wouldn't be a problem. But I'm proud because I conquered the dentist and I went out to eat twice this week. It's gotten me to think a lot about our brains-like how much of what we do is a result of some mental thing. I have to go to the bathroom and want to flee any social place because I have psyched myself out. Are we religious because we condition ourselves that way too? Diane told me about a research dealy in DC and all these people meditated on there being no crime. Long story short (and lost details), for however long it was DC was crime free by 75% or something crazy like that. I told that to Melissa and Steve and how I was playing cards with Hollie and the only card I needed was the nine of clubs and I kept telling her and me she was going to give it to me and there it was. Melissa and Steve thought I was crazy for thinking there'd be a relation. I don't know why, it doesn't disprove God or anything.
Anyway, we went to church this morning. Probably the first time I went to church in months...maybe 6? Since Easter?! Maybe...it was good. It was in my goddamn high school, though. I could have corn dogged my mom. But it was good. The guest speaker had to sit cause of an upcoming operation and it felt a lot like story time. There was no preaching whatsoever. It was all teaching. He wasn't like, "oh you evangelical tight asses, you must preach and do step 1 but only before step 1.5. then you must cry and feel sorry for people and pray this prayer and say these words, oh and have this attitude. blah blah blah fucking blah." I don't really mean that, I am just trying to make a point. And that is that it was nice to hear someone speak about theological issues and actually use the bible to prove what they are saying. I guess I am basing these opinions on IV anyway, not really church. And bad IV experiences at that. Anyway, it's a journal, you don't need to defend things you don't always mean, you just put them down to put them down. So ya, I enjoyed it. I went up to communion and felt panicky. I think my hands were shaking. It was the HOLY SPIRIT! No, not really, I had to crap and I was feeling so weirded out by being in that shit hole unexpectedly. He was a funny guy, though. He was talking about how pleasurable sin is and how Satan isn't like, "hey, take up that pitch fork and stick it in your eye. and then we go, oh God in Heaven, please help me not to succumb to Satan's temptations."
Hollie went out on a date with Nate tonight. Melissa and I were sitting in her room in our pjs telling her what to wear. I thought that was pretty lame ass of us. haha.
Melissa also told Hollie how Lucas and I used to have sleepovers. I was pretty damn mortified to say the least. Ah Lucas, I had a dream about him last night, which was odd since he's not really a main character in my subconscious. We were in a truck I think. Was this really even last night? Who knows...
My Bart Simpson puzzle is also coming along swimmingly, although I get a headache every time I work on it. I think I'll dick around with it after this. I have a new sea scapes puzzle to do next. It looks retarded...sea turtles and dolphins and lame shit like that, but it's a perfect puzzle because there are a lot of colors...ok...I don't even care about that...
I am stressed about finding a job too. I have finished my resume but I don't know where to apply. Heifer Project is in Little Rock freaking Arkansas. What the hell do I do in Arkansas?! I dunno. I am going to work out again. You might not think having a six pack is a cool thing, but it is. Not that mine was ever really defined but it feels nice. Although I must say, there is no feeling like poking a bit of your own lard.
I haven't talked to Josh since Christmas. I want to say I miss him but I really don't know him. I like him a whole lot, though.
I think Diane went back to Scotland today. It feels weird that I will probably never go back. I can't wait to hear about Marion's reaction when Louise tells her I stole her candy. Hahahaha! Who says I'm passive aggressive? Hahaha...stupid Marion. Plus, Lousie took a lot too, she's just going to tell Marion it was all me. Hahaha. What do I care?
Hollie was saying tonight how people always say "I love you." It's so simple.."I love that ice cream." "I love that kid." But if you say it in a relationship it's monumental. Why should it be that way? People never mean it anyway...they should just say, oh I'm infatuated with you. Maybe it's because I have never been in a healthy relationship where I was truly respected, but I'm pretty damn skeptical when people say "I love you." What a load of horse shit.
For some happy news, I am teaching Jasmine how to speak. Right now, thought, pretty much every time I try she just jumps up and wags her tail. How the hell do you teach a dog to speak? I don't know but I promised Melissa that the next time she comes over Jasmine will do it. She's such a smarty.
In other news, I'm really liking this live journal deal. I like writing but this helps me to get out what I say faster. Or rather, what I am thinking about. Cause when I write I don't have time to follow my thoughts and write at the same time. Dad told me he submitted his book to the agent who is also the agent of the guy who wrote the Left Behind Series. I hope his book is a success. I hope one person reads it and is affected. I know that sounds cliché but it's true. He is so sincere and he's put so much of himself into it. He was having terrible head aches for a while and I, the pescimist (I never can spell that word. I hate s's and c's next to each other. I think it's crap. Wait, does this word even have a c?), thought he was going to die. But he felt like God really wanted him to write. Even though his book now isn't even really a Christian book, part of me is scared that he will die after it's published.
Oh here's a story! So today Melissa, Dad and I were in the living room, just talking and relaxing together (what a surprise). And Addie was there sleeping and snoring. Jasmine was there too but she walked away. I was on the couch, Melissa on the heater and Dad in the chair. So Jasmine walks in and guess what she lays at Dad's feet? That's right, a fucking terd. A big terd too. Melissa was like "what IS that?!" I started laughing my ass off. Dad said it was my dog so I better clean it up. The thing is though, Jasmine is NOT my dog, Addie is. But it was Addie's shit. HAHAHA. I think we need to establish some rules if we are going to decide who cleans up the random dog shit presents. I mean, it was a gift from Jasmine, right? And Jasmine is his dog. I don't know... On that note, I am going to go.