I give this entry a C

Ok. Doing much better now. Took Jasmine on a walk and wondered what the hell was going on with me. It was really nice outside. I then came home and talked to my dad for a while. I told him I wanted to live in a quiet little town maybe out east. I'd get a fun job and get to know everyone in the town. I think that's why I started to really like Galesburg. I told my dad that it would be fun to live with Diane and have something great to look forward to. He was skeptical, though. Like of course it's a blast at first but then when the relationship gets hard, time to move on.

Anyway. I gotta do something. Gotta get a schedule and keep moving, otherwise I'm going to get bored and then write horrible blogs like the previous one instead of posting pics of shoes.

I talked to Courtney for a bit online tonight for the first time in a way long time. I was just about to go on my walk when she IMed me. I was sad because I don't feel equipped at all anymore to really listen to someone and support them. But then I thought, I don't need to be anything to love someone. I don't need to have all my shit together, nor do I have to have had a quiet time earlier that day. I found myself feeling more free to just say, damnit, I feel like that too. Not that I was dishonest, but I prayed for her for day after day that I forgot to be her friend. It's so hard to explain. But it made me want to cry to not be able to be there for her, or for anyone else for that matter. I don't know where I'm going to find it yet, but I need support to be able to love people the way I want to love them. I want to be at a place where I can tell someone I am praying for them and actually mean it. Not because my prayers matter to God necessarily, but because I love the person so much that I would speak to God about them. Now all I can really say to someone is that I am thinking about them. I want to say I am praying for you. Whether or not God is really listening, intercessory prayer is an amazing thing because it helps you really love a person. At least, that's been my experience. It helps me try to understand what's in their best interest. Whether or not the Holy Spirit guides those prayers like it says in his job description I don't know anymore. I am no where near ready to start praying for anything. I have found myself over the past few weeks wanting to tell someone I was praying for them because I want things for them that I can't give them, like a group of close friendships, guidance, protection for their families, peace. I am interested to see how other religions deal with prayer. I checked out books on Buddhism, Mormonism, Hinduism, and Islam. I know a little about all but hell, I have a shitload of wasted time, might as well learn about something important that I didn't learn in college. Isn't this great? I mean, I just think it's the coolest thing that I have no idea who I am. It's so great.

I keep refusing to pray for a job, or for anything for that matter. But especially for a job. It seems like a ridiculous idea. Turning God back into a slot-machine. If I pray only to ask for things, what the hell is that?! I already have too much anyway. I read Steve's blog recently, which I hadn't done in a really long time. He wrote how if he died right before crashing into something in the winter God would be like, "Oh shit, shit, shit, shit?" For me, thinking about that only once is a bad idea. Seems to question God's unconditional grace, etc. blah blah blah. I could ramble at that more but nah.

Wouldn't it be fun to wake up at like 4am and go to work in a bakery?! Hell ya, it would. MMM...I love to bake. Although I need to lay off the baking because baking = eating and I probably ate half of that chocolate cake I made. Whang-do! (That's what the retards in my book say instead of holy shit.)

Maybe tomorrow I will get into the car and look for a fun place to work. Fun Fun Fun. Now, which way should I turn out of the driveway?