ok so i want to write about something that happened last night. i went over to jordans after work to drink beer and play mario kart. it was me and his four roommates. one of his roommates just moved in with them a bit ago and will be going off to iraq in december. i was playing mario kart with coleman and that kid (they call him bomb) brought out an air gun from wally world. immediately i was uneasy. but then the fucker shot me with it in the knee! i was really shocked and couldnt believe he shot me with it and it hurt like a bitch. so i was just like OWWWWW and i think i called him a name or something im not sure but he kept playing with his gun and i kept playing mario kart. i was REALLY nervous and wanted to put my hood on. every time he played with it i tensed and then i ended up scooting way close to colemans legs (I was sitting on the floor) cause i was so scared. slowly everyone went to sleep but me and bomb played zelda till 4. hahaha so it didnt really bother me at all. and i think he felt bad about shooting me cause he asked me if i was going to be ok and i forget what else. but then i got home and peed and looked at my leg and i started thinking about it. i thought about how i pretty much did nothing after he shot me. i didnt jump up and say fuck you and leave and i didnt calmly confront him about it when we were alone playing zelda. i cowered and was just afraid and didnt want anyone to become more upset. let me tell you, when i realized that i lost it. well, in combination with being extremely tired and slightly pmsing. i basically sobbed for the next half hour. not just for that realization but also because i was so scared and since i did nothing about it my body still wanted to be afraid and not just tense so we cried. im worried that ill allow people to abuse me. hell, i know i have always let people walk all over and mentally abuse me ever since i started having friends, but shoot me with a gun?! josh used to kick the crap out of me no matter what id say. naturally, a lot of this stuff has been dealt with and im very aware of it. but last night was odd for me. i dunno. fucked up, right? im going to have some words with that kid though. i have to.
posted by QueenAtotheM @ 12:21 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
You should kick his ass with a pointy shoe.
I have a hard time standing up for myself too. I have imagined what I should have said to the lady that used to yell at me at work, something that would put her in her place but not get me in trouble. But I couldn't think of these clever things on the spot because I was so angry and sad to be treated that way. All I could do was cry in the bathroom and make fists and pretend to punch her.
Perhaps we act that way because we just cannot force ourselves to stoop to their level, for lack of a better cliche. I get very confused about the Luke verse that talks about turning the other cheek and if someone steals your coat you must give him another. Doesn't that sounds like you are to enable the person for their mistreatment of you? It's hard. I'm very glad you are out of that situation, though. They can be very traumatic. And I think I got a little over-worked myself, and feel better about that. I don't really know why I got so upset but I am glad I feel better about it now. I will remember to wear my pointy shoes next time I see him :) hahaha!
You know, I am just so impressed with your level of insight and wisdom about that situation, even if you had a hard time dealing with it. I do the same sorts of things sometimes and always kick myself later. It's very frustrating.
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