I wanna be, wanna be like George.

Today was just freaking super duper. And by super duper I mean shit. I met with Renee, which was nice as always. I also took this test at findmyspot.com or something like that. It tells you where in America you should live. My number one was in Hot Springs, Arkansas, a place that is in the 100 best small art towns in America book. In fact about 85% of my top 20 places to live were in Arkansas. Interesting...considering Heifer Project is in Little Rock. Maybe I will be able to go with my dad, although I don't think he ever goes to the Other Kansas.

So anyway, tonight with Renee was really great. There were a bunch of high lights. First, I am an idealist. I am very sensitive to the way a thing should be, if that makes sense. With myself, God, people, places, things, vegetables, minerals. I know how things should be but also that they can't be perfect, so I feel lost. Second, that life is what it is and God will be there with me. Shit is shit, right? Why do I have to turn it into something else all the damn time? Third, and this is awesome. Fuck quiet times!!!! Isn't that awesome?! I was talking about spiritual disciplines and Renee said, "you are probably referring to traditional bible reading and prayer times. That obviously didn't work for you. What may work best for you is to share your favorite times with God and experience him there. Like a lot of people have their 'quiet times' in nature, or doing art, or singing, or listening to music, etc." Is there a bible passage that says sit quietly for 30 min a day, praying for 2 non-believers and yourself? Fuck no. But I've heard if you don't do your quiet times, bam, you're screwed. How did I ever believe that?! So I thought about the times that I have grown the most with God, just the two of us. And I can remember once while I was running and basically any time I am alone in a forest or on a beach. Damn Intervarsity again! Ok third, I believe that I must do good in order for God to respond to me. Like, if I do my quiet times dilligently, God will be my best friend. Or if I don't "feel" or "hear" God (like there is a standard for that) I am not really saved. Fourth, I am both broken and redeemed and I just need to accept that. I have pretty much no acceptance of that whatsoever. And fifth, because I have enormous problems with trusting people, I don't trust God at all, and therefore I cannot achieve intimacy with him or hardly anyone. Ok there you go! Very brief, but pretty cool, eh? I think so. There's still the whole believing in God issue as well...

I'm working at OI tomorrow mailing their Quarterly. That'll be fun...not. I need a jobber. Real bad, like. I think I have to start Zelda all over because I lost my Fire Tunic dealy-wad and now I am fucked. What else? Maybe I'll rent a car and go to Arkansas. Hollie should have a spring break coming up here. Hmm.. I wanted to talk to Diane today, to call her up but I don't have her #. You would think I would since my # used to be that #, but nope, I never had it nor did my fammy. I dream about Scotland a lot. I miss it so much. I also realized I don't want to get a job here or make myself a social scene because the suburbs suck and I want to high-tail it right on out of here. If I stay, I will put roots down, and I'm real good at compromising what I want for other people. I also talked to Renee about Ian tonight. She was like, wow, you seem to have a lot of anger about that. You're damn right I do. Not at him, but at God and at me. That's where the whole, it is what it is, thing comes in. I love that. I am such a self-reflective, analytical, and now idealistic person. It is what it is. Take that. It is what it is. I love it. Ya, I am definitely feeling ready to move on out of here. But I have no monies. Oh poop, I have to work in 8 hours. How can I be like George Bush if I don't get 10 hours of sleep?