My lungs still hurt!

Well Boo-urns. Tonight kinda sucked. The day was nice. I read a bit, made chocolate eclairs. Cleaned up some poop and throw-up in the basement. Watched Desperate Housewives (I know, I know, don't judge). I also watched Kanye West on the Grammy's. Man, that Jesus Walks song could definitely bring me to tears. Him with angel wings was a little lame ass if you ask me, but man, that song rules. Then I went upstairs to have eclairs and coffee with Hollie, Mom, Dad, Br and Aunt Bonnie. Mom started bugging me about that job I was writing about and I was like, NO I don't want to work there, just accept it. And BR told my dad I should look for ads for housecleaning (she does housecleaning). But she said it in a not so nice way. It's too bad shit like that really gets me going and I should NEVER open my mouth. She just drives me fucking crazy. I love my aunt, she's the bee's knees. And anyway I said in response, ya but I have a college degree. Which was a stupid thing to say because I would work at a coffee shop that would pay less probably anyway. Then my mom said something like, "I don't want my college-graduate daughter to do housecleaning. When I graduated I had a terrible job, but housecleaning..." (I don't remember what she said after that.) I couldn't believe she said that! My cousin house cleans! How snobby, offensive, and just plain old shitty for many reasons. So then I'm like, I have to get the hell out of here immediately. So I put on my running shoes and I decided I'd take Jasmine on a run and I'd run till I felt like I was going to throw up, which didn't take more than a few blocks because I'm very out of shape and hate running as it is. It was great, though. It was raining and very cold and my lungs felt like they were going to burst and I kept having to spit. Then I came home and took a VERY hot bath and used up all my bubble bath. It was great. I even played with the bubbles like I used to when I was little. I blew them and popped them and gathered them and spread them out. I also put my hand, flat, right above the water. Then you quickly push it down into the water and it makes this great boing sound and there is a big splash. I felt like I was a dirty pan that was soaking.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better. I don't know what bothered me most. I guess I feel bad for what I said to BR and then was pissed at what my mom said. And I was pissed that she keeps telling me what I feel. Like the other day we were talking about movies and I was saying how I did not want to see Hotel Rwanda with them because I only like movies with happily ever afters (for the most part). And she compared that to this woman she once knew who refused to watch the news because it was too sad. What I want to be entertained by is a personal fucking preference. She said she likes movies to see some type of "truth" in the world. I watch movies to be entertained, even if they are crap, like most romantic comedies are. Sheeesh! But she kept implying, nay, saying, how I wanted to isolate myself from the "truth" of the world. Bull shit. That's what that conversation was. Hollie defended me though, thankfully.

Man, sorry to be unloading this all but hey, that's the beauty of a journal. Typing is so faster than writing anyway and my hand doesn't hurt. I do love my mom, she is the best. I made fun of her tonight, which I probably shouldn't have. When she answers the phone her tone of voice is like that of someone talking to a 2-yr. old.

I think I need to find some stuff to do. I guess it's just so weird still to me to finally be done with college and have nowhere new to go, you know? Like it's the first time in 4 yrs that I don't have another home to go to or some plan in the future. It's an open book. You know what else I realized that made me kind of sad today? I haven't had a phone call in God knows how long. It's not a big deal and I don't really care all that much but I didn't ever think about how many phone calls I get. I know I'm definitely not a nobody loser, but it made me feel like one. I know, boo fucking hoo. Did I mention I took Myers Briggs? Oh ya, I think I did. Weird. I wouldn't mind going to the Watering Hole and smoking cigarettes and drinking a shit load of Tenents. What the hell am I doing in this shit suburb?