wow synical andrea just showed up

i don't know why i keep writing this blog but it was always for me so here i go yet again. first of all, the mail lady always sits a long time outside our house so i sit and wait till she's gone and then go get the mail. sometimes i buck up though and am like, i don't care if she sees me. but most of the time it's 2:45 in the afternoon and i'm in my pjs. so i'm going to have a wee peeky. nope, nothing for me. so i went out last night to this bar with this kid from my work and ive hung out with his friends before but one in particular was so damn loud and obnoxious. so that kind of ruined it for me cause i just wanted to sit there and enjoy my beer. why did he have to break shit and scream the whole time? bastard. then we went to this playground to play adult lava monster, which is like lava monster with a blind fold. as we were walking to this park they were hitting a bowl and making sure there were no cops around. it instantly reminded me of highschool. also of the displacement that i always feel: disconnected from christians because they are lame but attracted to their sense of worth etc., disconnected from non christians because they just don't get it but attracted to them because i am like them in so many ways. (what a horrifyingly simplistic way to put that.) that's not the point though. the point is it was kind of lame ass. but i played and i was the lava monster. i sucked at it but i got this girl who was really nice. i felt bad cause i kung fu kicked her in the stomach. the whole night was kind of depressing though.i just wanted to go home and be by myself because these people just didn't seem worth me potentially being caught by police. goddmanit, i hate pot so much. it's such bull shit that people have to be stoned to have fun or even "more" fun. it's stupid and anyone who smokes it knows it makes you stupid but apparantly that's the appeal. what the hell. be yourself. so i came home and tried to think about something else, i.e. watch new 6th season of the simpsons. see....my....vest! hahahahaha. like my loafers? former gofers. i need a haircut so bad but my appt isn't till november. can you believe that? yowza. hahaha. im thinking about yesterday driving by wheaton college and seeing this kid who had long hair and a cool tshirt on. i was like, ooooo, but then as we got closer his pants were all way up high and his shoes were lame and his hair had this odd part to it. and i was just like, go fucking figure. it's like from far away christian boys can actually attract me but when i get up closer they repel me by how phony they look. judgmental i know but im not gonna lie about what im attracted to and it definitely isn't a bunch of posers. holy hell that is so mean and i cant believe im saying it but that's what i feel like!! i can just hear them singing a song but not singing the word fuck or something. why? or their hair almost looks cool but really they don't quite know what to do with it. the boys that do are assholes. and they don't want to know what you believe in and what you love. and i feel like im the exception to both of these things i see all the time. i think a lot of girls are actually. and maybe boys are too but i havent met any in a LONG time, if ever. no wait, i totally have. my cousin's new husband rules. hes totally himself and just an awesome person but he also has incredible integrity. maybe its cause he's 30. i would definitely not mind dating a 30yr old. but right now id much rather have some good friends. i miss diane. she wouldnt smoke pot and play on a playground. we'd swing on swings and then go for a walk and just laugh and talk. a lot of my friends have been like that but they all just sort of trickle out and away. i miss diane i guess because i didnt know her long enough for that to have happened. no one is ever good enough i guess or something in me just stops caring.
ok this has gotten way too revealing and way too honest. pretty cool though i think. you get to see the bad parts of me and the vulnerable parts of me. knock yourself out.