Ah blahp blahp blahp blahp...

It's been a weird few days. Well, at least for me. Right now I am looking at a cardinal in our bird feeder. We moved our puter downstairs to re-do the room it was formerly in. I, in fact, am re-doing it. I stripped all the wallypaper and then removed the "gloop." I just washed Jasmine and Addie outside because it is a LOVELY day. Then I had my mom in tears laughing so hard because Jasmine took a huge green, soupy poopy in the basement and we were cleaning it up and I was making lots of throw-up noises. I am leaving on Wednesday for Little Rock. I'm feeling a bit better about that. I am refusing to entertain any type of anxious thoughts. There is this other wee "technique" to calm oneself down. Each one of your fingers (on one hand-I use the left hand becasue I'm a southpaw) represents a different sense. Then you pick something nice for that sense and when you get all nervousy you look at your hand and think of the things you like. It helps to interrupt "anxious thoughts." So for taste, mine's coffee or creme brulee. For smell, that would be a coming rainstorm. For sight, it is ing inside Dunnotar Castle's ruins and watching a fammy of dolphins swimming in the ocean. For touch, that would definitely be my scarf, and for sound I have two. One is Hollie singing "I love spring, I love spring, I love everything" to the tune of Saria's Song from Zelda. The other is her blowing out a candle, Hollie style, which is sticking her face right near the candle and going "ah blahp blahp blahp blahp." hahaha. See? Not nervous anymore.

I had the weirdest dreams last night. I feel kind of funny admitting that in one of them I was a gay man having some good ole' gayman sex. But it was so werid because I was still a woman. Talk about being sexually confused. I still have no idea what the hell was going on there (I'm watching too much TV I think. Boo-urns on TV. I really hate TV but I keep watching it. I'm glad we don't have cable and I'm glad when I live out of the house I don't have TV). In the other one I was hanging out with this pretty cool band, but they were all like 13 and I felt really old. It was like "Almost Famous" and Hollie did a lot of drugs and I had to carry her out of there because she could not say no to drugs. hahaha. I am supposed to work at OI tomorrow but I thought tomorrow was today so I made an ass out of myself by leaving some weird voice mail messages. Oh well.

I keep feeling guilty about decisions I make. I need to take some fucking responsibility for them and just accept them and be ok with that, and not be redundant redundant. Like it's perfectly fine if I set a goal for myself and don't meet it. For example, I wanted to be walking Jasmine a lot, but I haven't been, so I feel like I am a bad person and that is bull shit. I told Renae that I need to start building myself up because I am so hard on myself, almost like a perfectionist...or maybe exactly like a perfectionist! So I am trying to tell myself good things that I like. But it's so hard; try it, it's really hard. For me, beating myself up comes so naturally that I barely have to think it. But complimenting myself takes a lot of conscious thought, which is not stream-of conscious, tangent thinking, which is how I think (I assumse most people do this too). Like, um, I rule because I got my dad a bird feeder and I painted it like woah. HAHAHA, it's even shaped like a bird! I found a pair of ESPRIT $55 black flats for $5, which is pretty damn sweet. I have been dominating in the wallpaper-stripping department. I do a mean dog washin'. I am a good baker. I play Mario Kart with Hollie when she wants, and even let her be Bowzer (my new favorite). I helped Mom wipe up the hershey squirts. See...not super things, but it's better. Hey, a girly cardinal is here. She's looking rather plump and fuzzy. I like watching birds because their heads move like that are continuously in a strobe-light in a rave or something, but when they fly their bodies are so graceful. Half of them is a stoned teenager at a party and the other half is a ballerina practicing for a play. Ok! I think on that note I will walk away from the computer.