Boo

Ahoytee.
I felt like posting a post but now that I am here I don't really know what to say, which is a bad sign since i write too much when I have nothing to say.. Since I finished Brothers K I read The Secret Garden, which I am sad to report, I had never previously read. Let's just say I'm asking for a gardening tool set for my birthday, which is in 10 days. After that I read The Secret Life of Bees, an absolutely wonderful book as well. I am lucky not to have read a shit book lately. The life of bees book was about a girl who killed her mother accidentally when she (the girl) was 4. There is confusion as to whether or not the mother was cleaning out the closet or leaving the girl and the dad. The dad was a total prick. He beat the girl, who is now 14 and she runs away with their black housekeeper (it's 1964 and the Civil Rights Act was just signed and they are in the South and get into some trouble with some local dumb asses). Anyway, they run away. The girl struggles with not knowing whether or not her mother abandoned her, and never wanting to see her father again, even though he is searching for her to kick the shit out of her for leaving. Of course she's brilliant and a writer. She and Rosaleen (the housekeeper) end up living with four black spinster sisters and Lily (the girl) has amazing relationships with them. The women have their own type of religion which focuses on a statue of a black Mary. They rub honey on her. It's wonderful. Made me cry again but the ending was great. I don't know why Diane said it was too sad for me. There definitely are some very sad scenes, especially one, but they don't make you cry as much as feel regret, if that makes sense.

Tonight I am starting this book that is red and has a sillhouette of a dog on it. I don't remember the title obviously, and especially not the author.

Today I put in the mail a letter that says I am not going to walk for graduation. I haven't really been in school for over a year and felt like I had offically graduated back in Dec 03. It doesn't really matter to me. What matters more to me is my birthday in 10 days. I was remembering last year's birthday. There was that a women's retreat, which I never wanted to go to but felt I had to be there. It still kind of hurts that they didn't even sing me happy birthday or make me a cake. It wasn't even brought up. Great fucking community. The highlight of the night was a vm saying "happy fucking birthday, bitch face." I think that is a very good example of the squeeze I was in there. On the one hand I had this group of women (and guys but they weren't there) who I felt embodied my "community," but I didn't fit in there at all. Then I had this voice mail. Oh fuck it, nevermind. Point of this rambling: it's been a pretty shit year. Scotland was great. Being at home is great. In fact on the surface level, everything's been great. I was outside yesterday thinking that I keep expecting to go back to who I used to be, i.e. little miss suzy god face. And I thought, pfshaw...that aint happening. hell no am i moving backward to anything. this is hard to explain. i guess what i mean is i can't picture myself to be a gung ho christian ever again. in the back of my mind i am sort of waiting for it to all fall together: if i go to church, if i get involved, etc. etc. but maybe its just not going to be that way nor do i want that.

im working a lot at oi which is nice cause i look cute all worked-clothed out. there is this intern, jonathan, who is pretty damn funny, even if he is from texas and helped with the bush campaign. oh ya, he listens to rush limbaw everyday. (i know my spelling calls into question my intelligence.) he calls fridays "sweet shirt fridays" or "ssf." the last time i was there we played solitare at the same time to see who would win the fastest and/or with the highest points. we bet on whether or not weather.com would be correct. per my recommendation he is going to the house on the hill in michigan...or is it wisconsin...same thing. he's super rich too. his dad owns a steel company and they have 2 ranches. but he's not an asshole or anything, although he does buy nice clothes like Theory. Oh boy I am rambling. I'm going to go back to what I had started to say...

So I am looking at this birthday in 10 days and it doesn't mean a whole lot to me. It's Hollie's and Nate's 6 month anniversary too but they are going to celebrate the 29th for me. It's really nice of them and all but I don't see us doing anything super exciting. I've had really good birthdays but this one is probably going to depress the hell out of me. Diane said she sent a card, which will be nice. It felt good she remembered! I'm really not trying to be all "woah is me." I'm just sharing what I am thinking about. And I am thinking it's going to be a lonely birthday. I had a dream about it last night. Rachel was there and she was bald. I went back to my old apt. and I think I was there alone, with Hollie, or with Melissa. Anyway, Judy showed up with tons of presents because it was her b-day too and she had presents from everyone in IV for the both of us. i was so mad because people bought presents for me. i felt cheap and bought-off. i think it was because i was thinknig about how a certain someone sent me an email recently and said he was just saying hello and he'd write more later. that was like 3 weeks ago. glad my response didn't take much of anything out of me. oh i'm not a bit angry, can you tell? hahaha. i always write about the bad stuff. i'm so passive agressive that way. in person im actually super duper friendly and fun.

which reminds me of hollie and me playing mario kart yesterday. we had the giggles and were laughing about everything. she was mad at me because i made her spin out with a red shell. she had been in first the first 2 laps and then came in 2nd. she said something about how she was in first that whole good lap. HAHAHA. had to be there...then i was yoshi because we like to face each other and blind-choose our cups and players (keeps things exciting) and i was thinking about dinosaurs and death. then i was thinking about sin and death. isn't sin a result of the fall? and didn't dinosaurs come before humans? so if there was no death before the fall how come the dinosaurs all died? im going to have to look into that. we actually did at dinner yesterday. god talks about death as if adam and eve knew what it was. im still not convinced a specific man-adam and a specific woman-eve existed. im a player for the whole "people groups" christian belief. in sum, this issue has not been resolved because none of us have the first few chappies of Genesis memorized.

im totally stoaked because this weekend my dad and i are going to start painting!! YES! i stripped all the wallpaper, soaked the left-over gloop in this crap, scraped that off, put more stuff on, brillow padded that off, rinsed the wall, dried the wall, sanded the putty crack filler shit off the wall, sanded the windows, doors baseboards what have you, and now we get to PAINT! hot damn! i love it. i look ridiculous though. i wear my "fetish" shirt with the shoe on it, with my red chuck taylors. but it's so great. my dad and i listen to the beatles and sing together. (he's building a closet in the same room because my mom has too much crap.) i did not like the sanding. i pride myself on silky smooth hands and now they feel gritty, because, well, i sanded my fingertips off basically. but it is all done and the painting will commence! i found drinking a beer because i was thirsty an odd concept. my dad came in one day and handed me a beer and i was so thirsty and chugged it down (not like diane chugging a pint in 28 seconds though HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! sexy!) And I was like, huh, this is the first beer I've ever had because i was actually thirsty, and ive had many a beer.

ok i just lost all urge to type. bye.