ah yes, today is a caribou-free day. i'm still in my jammers sipping on coffee (so not completely caribou-free). just had two croissants and i'm wearing clogs. ahhhh... i read some blogs and am just really enjoying listening to addie snoring before i head off to the job search portion of my online extravaganza. it's so nice that fall is coming. not winter though, i hate winter. fall is nice. and i have all the coffee and friends episodes i need to make today a wonderful day off. (mumzy bought me season 10 at costco!) oo! and tonight is return of the jedi night. i couldn't be more thrilled.

i made a committment to the girls last night that i would talk to god more. i want to be successful in that but i already feel like maybe it's a lost cause. i really don't want to be the only loser in french class who has no idea what the hell is going on because i just don't understand the language. i have to remind myself of what annie told me, which is that my "checklist" should be to be quiet and have no checklist. i like that idea. i also have to make sure i don't ramble on and on. renae and i both pointed out on numerous occasions how the question would only be answered if i went full circle with it. sometimes it's doubtful when i'm staring at the other side but don't worry, i try to come back. heather is not like that. she is a linear talker who is good and eloquent and good. (hahaha) i really appreciate people like that. hollie is like that too. another tangent: annie told the three of us that we already knew each other, etc. but to still say a little something something about ourselves. she was kind of right, but i was also very happy to learn a lot about andie and heather and to see them not as my friends but as people who have a story with god. it's very different to see someone objectively like that and to love them more because of it. man, i have missed that. i'm a little skeptical of the naughty place book, however. the wisest people i have talked to or read from always end up saying that the more they know and the older they become, the more they realize how much they don't know. so christian living-type books leave a TERRIBLE taste in my mouth. we shall see.

ok, time for more coffee and august 28th jobs.

ps- i hate it in books when ok is written as OK. it's mean. "i was ok" turns into, "i was fucking OK, damn you!" so if you say you're OK i might not believe it.

what is berto's address? someone tell me. i emailed him. kurtz was supposed to let me know but he didn't. so what is it?

me and harry potter are like this...

so yesterday was the engagement party. first the two fams had dinner together. i got flowers for the moms and hollie cause i rule. even tho nate is adopted he really looks like his mom. it's weird! then all the mom's friends came over and then hollie's friends all came over. and by over i mean to nate's house. it was a ton of fun. i can't wait to party again in a big hot awesome dress. and i will drink way more, believe you me.

i hate work like i hate wearing tampons. it would be way more fun if i only worked with megan or lisa, but it would still suck to be on my feet all day long. i am really surprised at how there are no jobs. i've got like a million search engines and four applications in and here i am still sitting and hanging out with my thumb up my ass. i also have celery in my tooth but that's kinda unrelated.

josh is coming home on the first. so that'll be fun...hurricane josh..let's make some predictions at what could and probably will happen: he'll discover gold in some rock, he'll get arrested punching a window (oh wait, that already happened), he'll finish his novel, he'll get hit by a car skateboarding, he'll get sick and whine for hours and hours for my mom (that already happened too), he'll get in a big fight with all four of us and make us all feel like shit, he'll beat nate up, he'll call us selfish for wanting to drive the car, he'll punch me in the arm, he'll spin addie around till she gets dizzy and piss me right on off, he'll make me want to do a head roll for 24 hours straight. we shall see. i think i will write down every little weird ass thing he does, from bringing the underwear model over, to dumping a huge pile of dirty laundry in the livingroom. it's going to be a nightmare.

opening three days in a row and going to an engagement party is great because it helps you forget about how you have no friends or money. mike's being a douche bag and hanging out with all these 19 year old lush sluts. richard is getting a tattoo, perhaps even now. i can't wait to see it, seems a bit impulsive, but i have no idea how long he's been thinking this so i'll shut up. andie is still my hero and i can't wait to call robby's wife when she gets back and get together. she's going to hopefully help us become more of who we really are: passionate and not complacent. and not selfish either. that was one thing i noticed about the engagement party that i really loved and want more of: to be less about me. it was all about hollie and nate and i wasn't the center of the universe. it's so nice to forget how your life is mostly a waste and useless, and to remember that there are other things that are way more important. harry potter felt that way a lot. i just felt so happy for hollie and the families that i forgot about how miserable i was not having a job. bring around things that were deeply important made me feel less empty. like it filled me to be less about me. does that make any sense? i'm expectant for a "new" me. i feel like i cant be there until i move on. i'm desperate to be around people who love god and want to change the world. i think once i have that things will be very different. yea!

so that's the ring

HOLLIE IS ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well tonight is getting no stars at all. i was supposed to do something with this one person and she never called. then i texted 4 people and the only person to text me back was hollie, and im giving that a stretch. ive been up since 4:40am and im not very tired but maybe i am cause im pretty pissed off. i feel totally ditched right now by pretty much everyone. i feel so damn stupid. i look at my work situation.i hate that but am waiting to hear from places. and ironically im waiting to get a fucking call from a friend, altho i did give up on that for tonight. i just dont think either is gonna happen. so now what. part of me just wants to move away and never even say anything. yes, i know, im feeling sorry for myself, very sorry for myself. so fucking what else is new. the only place i really complain about how im really really doing is on here which is fine since its mine anyway. but i want to. i want to complain and beat the shit out of something. and i want to yell and call names and throw things that will break. and i dont want anyone i like to ever ever ever pick someone over me ever again. i fucking hate that! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO