I give this entry a C-

I just read this other blog. This guy broke into a church's sign dealy and mixed all the words around. Naturally, "cock" was there as well as some others. The he invited some silly girl to his blog. Her site is all about Jesus and praying and it's pink just like mine. Reading everyone's comments back and forth kinda bugged and depressed me. She wrote she's in IV in Chicagoland somewhere. There were exclamation marks everywhere and smilies and her friend wrote "I am sooooooooo jealous" after this girl had wrote about how she prayed for people on the L. She wrote all about how church at Moody ruled, etc. etc. It's really an illusion to me. Then I read the guy's response to her comments and that was even more depressing. Then she wrote back "I'd like to hear more about you..blah blah blah." It's like she wasn't even listening to him, just following evangelical procedure. It bothers me because I can emphasize with both people. I share him in his anger and Christian scars, yet I understand this girl's excitement and genuine desire for this person to know what she thinks she knows (i.e relationship with Jesus). He bugs me because he obviously cares about it so much that he wants some girl to read his blog about how he rearranged the words on a church's sign. Get a damn life. Seriously. And she seems like she's la la la skipping right off the end of a cliff. I guess I just don't want what either of these people have. He wrote something like "I think I would like Jesus." Of course he'd like Jesus. Jesus kicked some ass! And you can't deny Jesus' existence and actions. If you do, you haven't checked out the scholarly info and probably only read Davinci's Code, which my prof calls complete bollocks (from an historical point of view).

Basically, I don't want to be Miss Suzy I've got the Holy Spirit shoved way up my asshole. But I definitely don't want to be like that other guy either. I know there aren't only two options but I saw it as a.) in the Christian community or b.) outside of the community but in intellectual land interspersed with humor
I am horrible at articulating and I know that is going on here now. I think I would back everything I said up until "I just don't want what either of these people have." The rest I would argue with myself over for a while, which is probably obvious as well.

Love,
Ish misha Diane

Good Gravy

Well i haven't written in 5 days. I haven't really wanted to say anything because there was nothing really to say. It's been boring although I have been a lot happier since Hollie got back. She and Nate came over, along with this kid Adam. It was fun we played Simpson's Monopoly. It was actually a ton of fun. Next time, tho, we plan on doing some drinking with it, which I think is a marvelous idea. I am not sure Adam needs alcohol, he's a freak already. We were playing Nertz while Nate and Hollie went to get a movie (BottleRocket = super) and I told him I was going to kick his ass and he said of course, I'm a woman, I'm better at multi-tasking. So I said, "Let me get this straight...Women are biologically better at multi-tasking?" And he said, "Ya, that's what I said." Well basically to make a long story short, that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It makes no sense whatsoever and I see no examples of that in society. Man, this is an ugly dirty keyboard. Hum.....

It is the end of another week and I really hate that feeling because I look back at my week and have accomplished nothing except for the completion of a puzzle. I am reading this terrible hallmark series called at home in Milford. It's really pathetic and shitty but a fun read if you don't take it seriously. I have to make a cake today for Josh. I think I'll make him a puzzle or some card too. He is leaving tomorrow for Arizona for 9 months. I hope he is successful there. If not I am not sure he'll ever recover.

Like I said, I have nothing to say really so I am going to end here. No one comments anyways. I was bummed no one took the Simpsons quiz. Hollie did. She was Ned Flanders. Big freaking surprise. I have to give Addie a bath. She smells like turkey gravy.

I told Suzanne I might come to Galesburg. Any thoughts ghost reader?

This is me

I'm not quite sure about all that green. Maybe the shirt underneath but that's pushing it. Now if those were some cute green shoes I would definitely be wearing them. Also, I look like crap with a bob. I do, however, think the cigarette is a good idea. Um, I also have knee caps.

Crabby appey

Oh my. It is 2:30 and I am going to bed because I simply cannot lose at Fowl Words. My score as of right now is 575,800 and the word is "besiege." I am going to continue tomorrow so do not worry, I will tell my final score later. I am excited! My ear is still clogged and tonight with Renee was really great again. We talked about Josh. He is like Homer and Hollie is like Lisa. My mom is a little bit like Marge too! Wow, that is weird. I am like...Barney? More like Edna Krabappel. Although I am exhausted I am going to google to see if there's a "what Simpson's character are you?" quiz. Night night

Ok, So I found a good quiz: http://www.matthewbarr.co.uk/simpsons/
I am totally Edna!!!!
I told you!

Ode to Diane

Well it's the start of another week. Our cousin called last night at 11:30. I am still not quite sure why but we ended up talking for a while. She's withdrawing from college. She wants to get her issues straightened out. Can't say I think it's a bad idea at all really.
So another Monday. I have been home for a month and 4 days. I woke up to Hollie. She so kindly pointed out the butt juice on my nice white down comforter. I screamed. I swear my dog is the most disgusting dog ever. Why do pugs have ass excretion?!
Hollie spent all last night with Nate and now she is going to go sledding. We are just very different in some ways. If Diane were here we would bake together and play cards and read and put puzzles together and watch movies and take the dogs on walks. Home-body stuff, you know? I do miss her. I wish I could go with her on a walk on the beach right now. We speak French and look for beach glass. Well, I look for beach glass, she looks for broken pieces of ceramic dinnerwear, but we do help each other out too. The last time we went we sat on this cement thing burried in the sand and watched this seal. We'd be like "there he is!" I wish I had money to send her a package. Ok, ta ta

Oh the French

Well I am feeling much better this morning. I shoveled with Jasmine and now I feel refreshed. Hollie is coming home tonight, that is good, although I think she is immediately going to see Nate. Oh well. Now for some creme brule coffee!

Decapitate the Head Hunter!

I am feeling absolutely miserable. Thank God Hollie is coming home tomorrow. I am starting to go crazy. And I am so jealous my parents are enjoying sunny California. They are going whale watching in two days! What a load of crap that is! My mom asked me if I was wearing my jealous goggles. Oh ya.
But back to being miserable. Oy...I am so bored! You know when you start to become depressed when you feel sorry for yourself and list all of the things that are going bad. Like "I have no job. I have no social life. Hell, I have no friends. I have NO JOB! I have severe social problems right now that would debilitate me even if I did go somewhere. I have an overdue movie. I am going to Hell (read previous entry). I ate too many cookies today." See? Ridiculous. I feel like I've been on the verge of tears for about a week now. I cry a lot in my dreams but I can't in real life. I feel like an old clock that stopped ticking and is waiting to be wound-up. To do what, though? Tick around and around in circles, I suppose. I'm not in a sad mood, though, if that makes sense. I still run around the house talking to myself and to the dogs like I always do. In fact, I'm not even in a bad mood at all right now.
I am thinking maybe I should work at some clothing store just for a little while. I'll make shit money and meet a bunch of stupid girls. I thought more about meeting with a head-hunter. I pictured myself going to the job the first day and sitting at some crappy desk. I just know there will be the previous person's little notes everywhere. There will be binder clips in the drawer. My chair will by on those plastic rolley sheets, and there will be a fake plant near me. I'll just sit there for a moment and ask myself what the hell I am doing. Then I'll suck it up and start dicking around on the computer doing some mindless job that makes no impact on anyone in the slightest. So ya, Marshall Field's is sounding better and better.
In other news, I watched Aladin on TV tonight. I can't believe I had every song memorized. How did that happen? I think it's because I played that soundtrack in orchestra. Isn't that crazy? Ya. It is. "Prince Ali Fabulous He, Ali Ababwaaaaaaa...lalalalalalalalalalala"

Hells Bells

So last night I had this dream and I was up in this tree and I looked up and saw Jesus falling from the sky. I yelled out jokingly about it. (He was wearing a blue robe. He was white! And he had long black and grey peppery hair. I think he might of been wearing glasses too.) He was coming cause it was the end of the world, and me and the other person in the tree were the lucky first to see where we'd end up. Jesus would either take your hand and lift you up, or he would put his hand on your head and gently push you down. When he came to me I was shocked to feel his hand push me downward and my legs start to burn. I was shocked but I didn't go directly to Hell. I got to talk to Jesus about it, to understand why, because apparently you can be de-grafted from the tree. He took out these lists and it was in March that I lost him due to some choices I had made. I then went and talked to the Holy Spirit, who was pretty hot. I was so confused and I cried so much. But then the Holy Spirit turned out to be a liar and he looked like Freddy Kruger (no thanks to this book I'm reading). So when I woke up I was wondering if the Holy Spirit could ever fall away like Lucifer. I decided a definite no. What do you think?

"If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. You will say then, “Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in.” Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but be afraid. For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either."

This wee fellow likes pancakes now.

One of my favorite childhood poems

The Puffin
by florence jacques

There once was a puffin just the shape of a muffin, And he lived on an island in the deep blue sea, He ate little fishes, which were most delicious, And he ate them for breakfast and he ate them for tea.

But this poor little puffin, he couldn't play nothin', 'Cause he didn't have no-one to play with at all. So he sat on his island and he cried for a while, and He felt very lonesome and he felt very small.

Then along came the fishes and they said, "If you wishes, You can have us for playmates, instead of for tea." Now they all play together in all kinds of weather, And the puffin eats pancakes, like you and like me.

More pancakes!

So we did some more shopping yesterday. I only went because my mom asked me to help get something for my dad's birthday. We didn't get him anything. I, however, got a great Nine West skirt and a $90 suit for like $12. It's for if I ever get an interview. haha.
I had the craziest dream where Steve was leading music at this church and he didn't agree with what the people were doing and basically stopped in the middle of the song to swear and call people out. Kurtz and Elizabeth got mad at him. People started lining up at the back to ask questions like they do on Jenny Jones. I woke up.
Last night's time with Renae was awesome. The confining space of her office still kinda bothers me but maybe it's a good thing. She's teaching me how to do deep breathing. She wants also to look at how I relate to people in relationships...like what do I normally do and what all my relationships have looked like (the important ones naturally). Then she wants to compare that to my relationship with God. Her point is that we relate to God the way we relate to our most intimate relationships. For example, if you don't trust people, you'll probably not easily trust God. It's interesting to me. I think we often assume that because we are believers now and "living for God" we are going to do that differently. I think that's why people try to hide things or make themselves seem perfect. I think maybe she's right, bottom line is that it's going to be connected and you should understand that. That is to say you believe you're having a relationship with the creator of the universe and not just talking to yourself, which is a statement I am not confident in.
Melissa came over too on Monday. I realized something in the shower last night: even though we are extremely different in a lot of ways I think we are also very similar too. She is the bee's knees.
I got more puzzles, by the way. They are cute. Both 1000 pieces. hehehehe. I also got a bookshelf so I rearranged my room last night. I got a bookshelf twice as big as the one I had in there but it's still too small. Oh well. Addie got a new squeaky toy. She loves it. For some reason she loves toys that squeak and she'll run around like a mad person squeaking the toy over and over. It's too funny to be annoying...yet.
I am also rereading Memoirs of a Geisha. Man, I love that book so much! It's better than a movie. I am going to make pancakes and read some more.

Pancakes and Public Showers

Ok so I just have to write about this dream I just had. It was a long one. In the beginning of the dream I remember being with this girl, Ruth, who I was friends with 4 years ago and who I really don't like now. So it was her and her boyfriend, who was this enormous bald black guy and I think he was wearing a bright green or yellow shirt (yes, I see colors in my dreams). Anyway, he liked me and he kissed me a few times and when he did he always made a kissing noise to go along with it, like "Muah." I hated it. Well we were all going to go out that day but I needed to take a shower to not only become so fresh and so clean clean but so that they could have sex. The thing was, though, that I had to go to this public shower house. So I got all my crap and I went over there but I forgot a whole lot of stuff, including a tampon and a towel. So I ran back home, which was my grandparents' home. Ruth and her boyfriend told me they were going to buy me some soap because of my pimples. On my way out my grandma came out with this pancake that was like 3' x 4' and she wanted me to not leave without having some. While she said this half of the pancake fell on the ground. We dusted it off and I was on my way. On my way back to this shower place (and it was a long way away) I saw Maggie (she was Ruth's friend and we all used to hang out together) sitting on a branch smoking a cigarette. I kept walking as fast as I could and I remember thinking it would be ok if I didn't meet back up with Ruth and her boyfriend because they were assholes. I saw Andrew Cassin, a kid I went to grade school with. I also saw this girl Pamela, who I knew of in high school but was never friends with. I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian. But anyway, I ran past all these people on the path to the place. I also so this girl, Lynn, who sang in the gospel choir with me. She got my attention by saying, "Shalom," which is odd because she's Indian.

There is more but it's not as interesting as the other stuff. Basically, when I got there I didn't have any money to pay for my shower. You see, they were like a mechanical bull or something: you had to pay. And I was furious, but I borrowed the money from this girl with enormous feet. She was wearing boots that had all these different colors on them. They were huge feet, let me tell you. I told her I liked her boots and she said something like they were the coolest boots ever. Quite frankly, if this were a real story I don't think I would have complimented them. Although maybe I would since she was getting the money I needed out of a pocket that was in the right boot.

The dream ended when it was finally my turn to shower. I promise this is a real dream, that' why I wanted to write it down. My dreams are never happy anymore and usually involve people who have dicked me right on over.

Addie is my date

Well, you guessed it, nothing new! I did leave the house for a substantial amount of time yesterday to go shopping with my mom at this outlet mall in pretty much the middle of nowhere. It was awesome. I think my favorite was the Miss Sixty store. Even though everything is marked down and outlet it's still way too much. I mean there was this black v-neck t-shirt at BCBG on sale for $64. I found some good stuff at Banana Republic believe it or not, including a kilt! Not like a plaid one. I also got some Kenneth Cole shoes. Damn, they are nice. I went into Diesel and oh boy, they had this dress. And there was this skirt at Miss Sixty. I know it sounds odd to some people but I think it's really amazing and I leave those stores happy. I mean you go into Gap and everything looks the same. Then you go into those other stores and you've got some crazy shit that looks very artistic. I would like to be a clothing designer/maker.
I had this dream last night and I drove a truck around. It was my first car I ever bought myself. Stupid Berto in my sub-conscious. It's better than that dream a week or so ago, where I killed a baby killer whale. HAHAHAHA. I totally shot the little bitch! Speaking of whales, I watched Whale Rider last night. I've seen it so many times you would think I wouldn't cry at that one spot, but nope, still cried.
Today I woke up late because I went to bed at 3. I was going to take a nice hot bath and then read and go to bed early but while I was waiting for my mom to use the bathroom I started at my sea scapes puzzle. Long story short, I finished it.
So today I bought a new puzzle of the beach. It's stupid. Really fucking stupid. And it's only 500 pieces. I like 750. (I am laughing at how silly I am. But I think it's cool too because I like me.) I also got hair dye and some movies. I was going to by fun fetti Valentine's Day cupcake mix but decided against it. Plus, I hate Valentine's Day. Or is it Valentines' Day? Ya, that would make more sense. I know I'm rambling here but it's ok cause no one reads this anyway!
So I never wrote about Hollie's date with Nate before she left for San Diego! So Nate has this big unused basement where they play pool. So what he did was he curtained off a big section of the basement and strung up white X-mas lights on the ceiling. Then he shredded hundreds of pages of green paper and they had a picnic. They watched movies, drank sparkling grape juice (they are both over 21, but I think this is cooler), and ate grilled cheese sandwhiches. They did all of this on a blanket with candles. Isn't that adorable?! I'm so happy for her. Maybe I'll do that for me and Addie. hahahahahaha and my puzzle. oh boy...

The Butcher, Andrea, and the Candlestick Maker

I went to bed last night pretty excited about a job in DC. About moving and finding an apt and all that. But then I woke up and looked at the job description again. I am not going to move to DC (a city that I think sucks ass) to be an office clerk. I spent a few hours looking online for more stuff in nonprofit work. Then I took a career test. And guess what? Apparently I loathe administrative crap. What a big surprise! Even though I cringe to picture myself in front of a computer for 8 hours a day for the next two years, maybe if I cared about the cause it wouldn't be so bad. I don't know, though. I have no idea what to do. I'm discouraged.
For diner I had a bag of popcorn, some strawberries and three pieces of bacon. Hahaha. I decided that it would probably be better to make something, so I started making bread with yeast and it's rising now. I also wondered if I should become a gourmet cook. That would be pretty fun. I also watched this shark think on PBS and thought how cool it would be to swim with the sharks. Of course I'd be underwater with a mask on in a cage, 2 VERY constricting things that make me nervous just thinking about it.
So ya, I don't feel closer at all to knowing what I want to do. I'd go back to school but it's not a good idea to accumulate more debt when you're already in about $30k. I should sell drugs. I bet the International Justice Mission would like to see that on my resume. That's it...I'll sell drugs and bake bread. And make puzzles. Super!

Question

Do you think I should move to DC and work for IJM? Might that be the WRONG thing to do?

If you don't know me, don't answer the question.

Happy Easter

So there is this hysterical Easter Egg thingy on the Extended LOTR on the second disk. It's in the last scene selection. It's an interview of Elijah by Dominick. It is so funny I was practically crying. And let me tell you, my ovaries go into super power whenever I see Elijah Wood. I definitely covet him, especially since he seems intelligent. Ah well. But ya, if you know of any other Easter Eggs let me know. Not that anyone has been commenting on this thing! You know you can comment anonymously.
Dad is going to call people he knows at World Vision. I have absolutely no idea where to find a job so hopefully that will be fruitful, especially since I would actually like to work there. I've looked a ton online at all these non-profit job searches, newspapers, and other crap and I can't find anything. My resume rules so I don't want to settle for waitressing or just some pee-on office job. My goal is about $30k. I have about that in loans.
Good news! I am going to be getting the house to myself for four days! I won't say when, though. People on the internet are crazy.
I'm bored! Bored and lonely and Hollie is leaving for 11 days. What the hell am I going to do? I guess I'll keep trying to find a job.
What a crap entry.

Ramble Rambe Ramble

Well nothing new really. I finally finished my puzzle. I know, pretty lame, but I was pleased with myself. Onto the sea scapes! I also gave Addie a special fleabee bath. She did not like that. Not at all, Precious. I'm still trying to teach Jasmine to speak. But every time she makes a noise it's usually when she stretches and yawns. So I will always say "Good Girl" and then "Speak!" right after. Then I say speak again and she bends down as if to stretch. Needless to say, I don't think she's getting it.
The deadline for that charter school I was going to apply to is in a few days. 4 actually. I don't want to work there at all. People always say God has a plan for your life. Well maybe he does but he sure as hell has never clued me in on it. It is only years later that I have been like...oh my, would you look at that...Does that mean it was God or me saying it was? Of course I haven't asked him either. Oh, well there's your problem, I can hear some say. That's crap. He's not like that. There's no bible passage I know of that says God will tell you in black and white what you want to know, all you have to do is ask him. Anyway..
I met with Renae last night. She was pretty cool, had on some nice boots. It was actually pretty nice. She basically interviewed me, which was so great. It was SO refreshing to be asked questions because the person genuinely wanted to know. I guess I felt like since I discipled 3 people and had a bible study and most of my friends had their own stuff to talk about (and I would ask them), I just got plowed over. And because of that I haven't wanted to talk to anyone about myself so I haven't. Barely even myself, which is odd. (I told this councellor lady in Scotland that because of that I was sort of a stranger to myself. I was listening to my Fiona Apple cd for the first time in about 5 years or so and she said that too. Isn't that great? Fiona Apple and I are like this...) Not in Scotland, and definitely not before Scotland in the summer. I felt like everyone's councelor at times. Christine, Rachel, Ian, Melissa, Judy, my family group, my girly girls, Diane...I do not resent these people in any way, I feel lucky to have been someone they confided in. I just didn't do it right for myself, you know? I am really sensitive now to relationships when it comes to that. And asking myself, what do I want from people? I don't want my friends to be my social worker, and I don't want to be theirs. But I do very much want them to trust me and confide in me and know that I try hard to think about what's best for them. So what's the healthy balance? I guess I'm just feeling sort of spent in that department. Although I talked to Kaye for a bit yesterday online and hearing how she is doing and how she is growing just made me feel so happy. I really know that I love someone when I smile at how they are doing and I get tears in my eyes because I am just so moved by who they are. I'm so proud of her! I know that sounds a little cheesy, but my point is that in some ways I do really miss being there for people that way. Encouraging them and listening to them. I just need to figure out how to do it, if that makes sense. I am really thankful for my friends. I miss Kelly and Kaye and Suzanne a lot. And I miss Diane, although that relationship somehow seemed to blow away and I don't know why. I am glad Melissa is in Chicago.
And I am glad for Addie!
I wasn't going to write on here but it looks like I did.

EGGSHELLENT!!! (For Melissa)

So this is totally Fowl Words, only the coolest game ever. My score is officially up to 500,000. Unfortunately, Hollie needed to sleep and I was using her puter so I didn't get to continue. You can download the game for yourself and challenge me at http://www.m-w.com/game/fowl_play.htm

This is the one who did the terding.

This is the terd eater.

Dear Diary

Hi.
Today is Sunday. This weekend was nice. It was good to hang out with Melissa. I wish I wasn't such a dork loser who dislikes going places. I was half wanting to go somewhere but we didn't even have enough motivation to go to Blockbuster. Relaxation is a good thing but I wonder if it enables my panickyness. That's right, and tomorrow I am going to see someone about it. It's related to other things but basically I feel paralyzed every time I want to go somewhere. It started in DC eating at an Indian restaurant. The next big time was eating Indian food with Ian...what a disaster that was. And in between then I would get weird at certain moments but nothing too disruptive. Then it happened again and then again in Scotland, although this time a lot worse. Now it's like every time I want to go anywhere, I mean literally anywhere, I feel like I have to run as fast as I can. I feel sick. Dad said it was time for him to take me overseas again to see what real problems are. Not in those words, but that was definitely insulting. No one seems to really get it, I don't know quite how to explain it. Mom says if I didn't focus so much on myself it wouldn't be a problem. But I'm proud because I conquered the dentist and I went out to eat twice this week. It's gotten me to think a lot about our brains-like how much of what we do is a result of some mental thing. I have to go to the bathroom and want to flee any social place because I have psyched myself out. Are we religious because we condition ourselves that way too? Diane told me about a research dealy in DC and all these people meditated on there being no crime. Long story short (and lost details), for however long it was DC was crime free by 75% or something crazy like that. I told that to Melissa and Steve and how I was playing cards with Hollie and the only card I needed was the nine of clubs and I kept telling her and me she was going to give it to me and there it was. Melissa and Steve thought I was crazy for thinking there'd be a relation. I don't know why, it doesn't disprove God or anything.
Anyway, we went to church this morning. Probably the first time I went to church in months...maybe 6? Since Easter?! Maybe...it was good. It was in my goddamn high school, though. I could have corn dogged my mom. But it was good. The guest speaker had to sit cause of an upcoming operation and it felt a lot like story time. There was no preaching whatsoever. It was all teaching. He wasn't like, "oh you evangelical tight asses, you must preach and do step 1 but only before step 1.5. then you must cry and feel sorry for people and pray this prayer and say these words, oh and have this attitude. blah blah blah fucking blah." I don't really mean that, I am just trying to make a point. And that is that it was nice to hear someone speak about theological issues and actually use the bible to prove what they are saying. I guess I am basing these opinions on IV anyway, not really church. And bad IV experiences at that. Anyway, it's a journal, you don't need to defend things you don't always mean, you just put them down to put them down. So ya, I enjoyed it. I went up to communion and felt panicky. I think my hands were shaking. It was the HOLY SPIRIT! No, not really, I had to crap and I was feeling so weirded out by being in that shit hole unexpectedly. He was a funny guy, though. He was talking about how pleasurable sin is and how Satan isn't like, "hey, take up that pitch fork and stick it in your eye. and then we go, oh God in Heaven, please help me not to succumb to Satan's temptations."
Hollie went out on a date with Nate tonight. Melissa and I were sitting in her room in our pjs telling her what to wear. I thought that was pretty lame ass of us. haha.
Melissa also told Hollie how Lucas and I used to have sleepovers. I was pretty damn mortified to say the least. Ah Lucas, I had a dream about him last night, which was odd since he's not really a main character in my subconscious. We were in a truck I think. Was this really even last night? Who knows...
My Bart Simpson puzzle is also coming along swimmingly, although I get a headache every time I work on it. I think I'll dick around with it after this. I have a new sea scapes puzzle to do next. It looks retarded...sea turtles and dolphins and lame shit like that, but it's a perfect puzzle because there are a lot of colors...ok...I don't even care about that...
I am stressed about finding a job too. I have finished my resume but I don't know where to apply. Heifer Project is in Little Rock freaking Arkansas. What the hell do I do in Arkansas?! I dunno. I am going to work out again. You might not think having a six pack is a cool thing, but it is. Not that mine was ever really defined but it feels nice. Although I must say, there is no feeling like poking a bit of your own lard.
I haven't talked to Josh since Christmas. I want to say I miss him but I really don't know him. I like him a whole lot, though.
I think Diane went back to Scotland today. It feels weird that I will probably never go back. I can't wait to hear about Marion's reaction when Louise tells her I stole her candy. Hahahaha! Who says I'm passive aggressive? Hahaha...stupid Marion. Plus, Lousie took a lot too, she's just going to tell Marion it was all me. Hahaha. What do I care?
Hollie was saying tonight how people always say "I love you." It's so simple.."I love that ice cream." "I love that kid." But if you say it in a relationship it's monumental. Why should it be that way? People never mean it anyway...they should just say, oh I'm infatuated with you. Maybe it's because I have never been in a healthy relationship where I was truly respected, but I'm pretty damn skeptical when people say "I love you." What a load of horse shit.
For some happy news, I am teaching Jasmine how to speak. Right now, thought, pretty much every time I try she just jumps up and wags her tail. How the hell do you teach a dog to speak? I don't know but I promised Melissa that the next time she comes over Jasmine will do it. She's such a smarty.
In other news, I'm really liking this live journal deal. I like writing but this helps me to get out what I say faster. Or rather, what I am thinking about. Cause when I write I don't have time to follow my thoughts and write at the same time. Dad told me he submitted his book to the agent who is also the agent of the guy who wrote the Left Behind Series. I hope his book is a success. I hope one person reads it and is affected. I know that sounds cliché but it's true. He is so sincere and he's put so much of himself into it. He was having terrible head aches for a while and I, the pescimist (I never can spell that word. I hate s's and c's next to each other. I think it's crap. Wait, does this word even have a c?), thought he was going to die. But he felt like God really wanted him to write. Even though his book now isn't even really a Christian book, part of me is scared that he will die after it's published.
Oh here's a story! So today Melissa, Dad and I were in the living room, just talking and relaxing together (what a surprise). And Addie was there sleeping and snoring. Jasmine was there too but she walked away. I was on the couch, Melissa on the heater and Dad in the chair. So Jasmine walks in and guess what she lays at Dad's feet? That's right, a fucking terd. A big terd too. Melissa was like "what IS that?!" I started laughing my ass off. Dad said it was my dog so I better clean it up. The thing is though, Jasmine is NOT my dog, Addie is. But it was Addie's shit. HAHAHA. I think we need to establish some rules if we are going to decide who cleans up the random dog shit presents. I mean, it was a gift from Jasmine, right? And Jasmine is his dog. I don't know... On that note, I am going to go.

Formal email

Well I don't really have anything interesting to report today. I helped Hollie get to this wedding. She looked great, of course. We had a cousin over too. No comments there. I rented Snow Falling on Cedars cause I just finished the book. Might I just say the movie blew. Melissa is coming over tonight, which will be nice. Maybe we can just go to Starbucks and talk, but it is weird. I feel like a lot of me is still in Scotland and it's weird because before that, she knew everything, and where I was at any moment. How do I explain Diane and Lousie and my favorite above all, Howard? If this was a real journal I'd say more on the subject but I can't do that I guess.
The neighbors have all their lights on and the windows up. Don't they know they're living next to the nosiest person ever? Not like they're doing anything. Just a lot of family and kids.
Ok I am going to look for a poster.

This is that fox I was talking about.

Look at those nipples!

This is me. Not a good pic but oh well. It amuses me.

BOO!

Hi!
I am probably the only person who is going to read this but that's ok with me. Since I have no life and no job and I'm always in my pajamas, I thought it would be fun to have myself a wee bloggerette. Basically, it's like writing a whole lot of an away message. Thought number one: the left side of my face is numb and I am starving but I am worried that if I eat I will bite my tongue off. Thought number two: I just saw a fox.

Ok, I am going to play with this now.