What's the name?

Well. Long time no talky...I've been working at Opportunity this week. I created my own really kick-ass report on Gender dynamic within the org. It was pretty sweet. Speaking of sweet, this intern, Jonathan, decided that instead of Fridays being "Casual Fridays," it should be "Sweet Shirt Fridays," otherwise known as SSF. Hahaha. So I am wearing my "where the wild things are" t-shirt that I just bought. I love that book! His shirt is blue and says "George Bush is my Homeboy." hahahaha.
So I ahve been doing really well this week. I have been looking pretty damn cute too, if I do say so myself. My sense of fashion surprises me all the time. Hollie and I did something wonderful yesterday.....So we went to Hollywood Video to get a movie and attached to some HV stores is this other store, Game Crazy. We used to play Mario Kart all the time when we were little. It was so much fun. So we asked them, but they don't rent systems. So we decided to buy one! We looked on Ebay but they are really expensive. So last night we called all these used game stores to see if we could get her a Super NES system, an extra controller, and Mario Kart. So we totally did! We went to 5 stores. And I bought N64!!! YA YA YA!!! I am so excited to go home and play! I got Mario Kart (I like it better on N64, Hollie likes it better on NES), Pod Racer (that games kicks ass!), and Zelda! LOL! YEA YEA YEA!! Hollie also got Zelda, Mario Kart, and Monopoly. Hahahaha. Did you know they have Clue for NES? wow! I wonder if N64 has it.
I also decided to get my nails done with my pay check.
We now have 7 people living at the house. My other cousin is staying for the week, then she's going back to Turkey. I haven't really seen much of her, tho.
I can't wait for this weekend! I have so much fun stuff to do. I still have this puzzle that I haven't finished, I got paints for my boat lol, and I got N64. Awesome.
This week with Renee wasn't really anything special. She wants me to journal for a particular reason I don't feel like sharing, so when I need to journal, I go there. But mostly, I don't want to be on the computer at home and do my journal because I sit in front of a puter screen all day. Ok, that is all. I just ate this chocolate coffee cake crumble top thing my dad got and didn't eat from Starbucks. Damn, it was good.
He was in NY on business. He always brings back hotel shampoos and other various what-have-yous. This hotel he was in gave their customers mini Bath and Body Works lotion and soap so he gave it to me. I was showing my mom and she grabbed it out of my hand and they I tackled her. And she and Hollie kept throwing it back and forth and we were screaming and going crazy. My mom doesn't even weigh 110lbs. Hollie weighs like 125. I'm 5'10". I totally schooled the both of them and the lotion is presently in my bag. Then Hollie wouldn't leave their room when they were trying to go to sleep. And she kept smacking her ass and skipping around their room. I was in the doorway laughing my ass off. Oh yes, yesterday was a good day.
Hm..what else? Oh nothing really. Same old same old. Josh sent me an email telling me I had to be an art teacher in Chicago for this place he worked. He said I'd be great at it and the kids would love me. I hate stupid children, he know's that! I also got an email from the woman who ran my internship in DC. She is the coooolest. She started her own org. called HerVoices, Inc. I'm not so sure about it, though. I don't really think advocacy alone accomplishes much at all, unless you are that one org. whose name I can't think of right now, which is ridiculous because everyone knows who they are. Not Greenpeace...that other one. They write letters. DAMNIT! Ok bye.

The Escalator

This is one of my favorites. I used to have it but taking it up and down during college years destroyed it. You should buy it for me.

Art Is No Idle Thing

I like this picture a lot.

Boo-urns

I got my fucking period. BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Happy Fat Friday!

My dad is such a diplomat. He emailed my g-ma back and told her:
"As far as evenings are concerned, my strong suggestion would be to not schedule them. In this case less is definitely more. People will find their own way to each other. They will spend time with those they are comfortable with, and there will be plenty of time for everyone to be together. Most of those who will be there really don’t know each other well and I think will find it uncomfortable with programs, skits and devotions. I think those things will emerge on their own and as they do so naturally people will relax and enjoy each other. Otherwise I’m quite sure the reaction will not be what we all want. I don’t think performing will work; just let it unfold spontaneously. As you say, keep it loose and informal."

I completely agree. I don't know these people and I don't want to perform. I want to sit in a chair and smoke and drink and/or drink and smoke. So that'll be interesting to hear what happens. Josh may not go cause he'll still be in AZ in school. What a butthole. I want him to come! Maybe I'll put a puzzle together in a corner somewhere. By the way, I started and finished a puzzle last night for the first time in a few weeks (since I was cut-off..hahaha) It was of a boat! HAHAHAHAHA! AND I finally finished all 7 Mitford books. Now I am going to study me some religions. I was embarassed to take out "Hinduism for Dummies" but oh well. You never know with religion books. You could get a winner or a loser, depending on the author, so I thought it best to keep it as basic and objective as possible for now.

I just got back from the AIDS Summit thing. Last night I didn't go cause me, Aunt Bonnie, Hollie and BR all hung out. We drank coffee and ate lots of sweets. And when I mean lots we had: my homemade eclairs, Hollie's V-day cuppycakes, Hershey kisses, leftover other desert my mom made, Hagaan Daas Ice Cream. Oh yes. Fat Friday on Thursday. Mmm MMmm! And we played Nertz. Then my mom joined us for Cut-throat Uno. It was fun. We were totally trash talking, which for my aunt was, "OH YOU!!!" LOL hahaha! It was a ton of fun.

But the AIDS Summit thing today was pretty cool. It was called "AIDS Research and Treatment." I don't really know much about how the virus destroys people physically. So it was amazing to hear this doctor from Loyola explain how you can get one or more strains of the virus that attaches to a certain type of cell, injects its whatnot, which then enters the nucleus of the cell and literally becomes a part of you. It's really fascinating. There were some terrible stats. that I wrote down too, like um..1/2 of all the new cases of HIV will be found in teens!

And guess what else? No panic attack! I covered all that by pooping before I left and drinking no coffee. (How do you drink no coffee. I think I should have said, by not drinking coffee.) Plus, I sat by the door in the lecture hall. So when I started feeling a bit anxious I said to myself, "Self, I am interrupting your anxious thoughts that turn into physical actions! You are done! Ears: do your thang!" So there you go! Happy as a piggy in a pile o' poop. It was weird, let me tell you, being in college again. What a bunch of suckers. hahahahahaha

Ok, I am going to have some coffee and hopefully poop sommore! Oh! And I am working at OI all next week and I am going to wear my nice shoes. I'll finally have $ to send a package to Dianers. Jess, where are my PICTURES?! Diane, where are my PICTURES?!

I am REALLY stoaked! Or is it stoked. Anyway! I am going to Wheaton College's Student AIDS Summit that starts tonight and ends Saturday. It is going to rule. Tonight someone from World Relief is talking. Then I am going to watch a movie with leading people in it, like Bono (big deal) and Peter Piot, who happens to kick some serious ass! I LOVE PETER PIOT! And then tomorrow I think I am going to go to a seminar on current HIV/AIDS research. Then someone from World Vision is talking. I am excited. What else...Oh ya, there is another talk titled, "Formulating an Appropriate Christian reponse to AIDS." That one is given by the World Vision guy, who is their VP of Church Relations. That one is going to be pretty interesting. Apparently he's pretty well known, being quoted by CNN and NY Times. I think there definitely is an appropriate response: helping, loving, etc! I'm really interested to hear about what this guy, a supposed expert, feels on the subject. I love to learn!!!

(You know what's not an appropriate response? Posting on someone's blog saying, oh you have AIDS, glad I found you, I put you in a search engine. Now I can tell you to read the Bible. There, God, I did my deed for the day, beam me up!" That'll be helpful to everyone! (Oh ya, these are words. If you could hear me you'd sense my SARCASM!!))

So this conference will be cool. Look at me going out and doing crap!

I had a REALLY good talk with Josh on the phone last night. He's in school in Mesa, Arizona and he's really loving it, although it's hard for him cause he hasn't been to school in like 80 million years. He says it's warm too..bastard! I think the highlight of our talk was when he was thinking aloud trying to place August in the year: "February, May, June, August." No, Josh, not so much! So I am gong to make him a funny picture with the months and like...oh what are they called...like "Every Good Boy Does Well.." I don't remember what they're called, remind me!
Posse out!

Oh Dear God, This DEFINITELY deserves a head role on a poisoned-tipped, rusty metal-spiked wall.

Ok so my grandpa is turning 80 this summer and my gradma has been going nuts planning this surprise reunion. Seriously, I haven't seen these people in like 8 years and I REALLY don't give a shit about that! Oh no oh no oh no. To be honest, I am hoping that I have a job that will not permit me taking off for 3 days. Hollie thinks it's pretty selfish to not go. I realize that, but that doesn't make me want to hide in a hole everytime I hear about it. I do NOT fit in with those people. Me and Josh have always been the black sheep of this side of the family. I am going to count how many times they ask me when I'm going to get married. Apparently getting married and having 80 million kids by the time you're 25 is the purpose in life. Oh man, this is going to suck so bad. I don't know how I can put on a happy face. The reason I am bringing it up is because I just got an update email from my g-ma. Here's a bit from it to explain more:

"I would appreciate some volunteers to help with the plans. We want to keep this loose and informal, but I do think we should have enough structure to make the time meaningful and fun for everyone.

Here are some areas to be covered—let me know what you’d be willing to do.

Transportation coordinator
Sports and games, especially for the teens and young adults (A trip to the Florissant Fossil Park ?)
Evening get-to-gethers—we’ll have three evenings, and we’ll want music, family stunts or presentations, memories. If you’d like family slides I can pull that together. There’s a campfire pit for smors etc. available. (Need to bring the smores)
Photos, videos and someone to coordinate those afterwards
Devotional times
Program coordinator – just to set a general schedule for meals and any coordinated activities.
Child-care – we have six little ones and there are children’s recreation and game rooms, but it would be nice to share this responsibility around. Perhaps this person could check with Sarah or Tamarah before hand.
Other?"

I will be the Program Coordinator! Oh shit......Sarah and Tamarah are under 25 and I think one has 4 kids and the other 3...or is it 5 and 4? They were both under 21 when they got married. Tamarah's hubby is 10 years older. He proposed when he was 28 and she was 18. Is it just me or is that a bit on the fucked up side? Poor Josh, me, and especially Hollie. Oh man are they going to rag on her for having a nice bf. Poor girl. Ok, I promise I will write more upbeat things next time.

Why can't we have a normal family with people who would rather just "be" by the fire and smoke cigarettes and drink beer? That's what I want to do in the mountains. Not a family bible study or slide show time. Hollie thinks I should be careful what I wish for, and also be the sports coordinator!!! HAHAHAHAHA! I will plan...hmmm...We should totally play "Hit The Person Running With The Slipper!"

These stars are for you.

I fear that we have lost that special spark.

pink lollipop

I heard I could find God here.

My lungs still hurt!

Well Boo-urns. Tonight kinda sucked. The day was nice. I read a bit, made chocolate eclairs. Cleaned up some poop and throw-up in the basement. Watched Desperate Housewives (I know, I know, don't judge). I also watched Kanye West on the Grammy's. Man, that Jesus Walks song could definitely bring me to tears. Him with angel wings was a little lame ass if you ask me, but man, that song rules. Then I went upstairs to have eclairs and coffee with Hollie, Mom, Dad, Br and Aunt Bonnie. Mom started bugging me about that job I was writing about and I was like, NO I don't want to work there, just accept it. And BR told my dad I should look for ads for housecleaning (she does housecleaning). But she said it in a not so nice way. It's too bad shit like that really gets me going and I should NEVER open my mouth. She just drives me fucking crazy. I love my aunt, she's the bee's knees. And anyway I said in response, ya but I have a college degree. Which was a stupid thing to say because I would work at a coffee shop that would pay less probably anyway. Then my mom said something like, "I don't want my college-graduate daughter to do housecleaning. When I graduated I had a terrible job, but housecleaning..." (I don't remember what she said after that.) I couldn't believe she said that! My cousin house cleans! How snobby, offensive, and just plain old shitty for many reasons. So then I'm like, I have to get the hell out of here immediately. So I put on my running shoes and I decided I'd take Jasmine on a run and I'd run till I felt like I was going to throw up, which didn't take more than a few blocks because I'm very out of shape and hate running as it is. It was great, though. It was raining and very cold and my lungs felt like they were going to burst and I kept having to spit. Then I came home and took a VERY hot bath and used up all my bubble bath. It was great. I even played with the bubbles like I used to when I was little. I blew them and popped them and gathered them and spread them out. I also put my hand, flat, right above the water. Then you quickly push it down into the water and it makes this great boing sound and there is a big splash. I felt like I was a dirty pan that was soaking.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better. I don't know what bothered me most. I guess I feel bad for what I said to BR and then was pissed at what my mom said. And I was pissed that she keeps telling me what I feel. Like the other day we were talking about movies and I was saying how I did not want to see Hotel Rwanda with them because I only like movies with happily ever afters (for the most part). And she compared that to this woman she once knew who refused to watch the news because it was too sad. What I want to be entertained by is a personal fucking preference. She said she likes movies to see some type of "truth" in the world. I watch movies to be entertained, even if they are crap, like most romantic comedies are. Sheeesh! But she kept implying, nay, saying, how I wanted to isolate myself from the "truth" of the world. Bull shit. That's what that conversation was. Hollie defended me though, thankfully.

Man, sorry to be unloading this all but hey, that's the beauty of a journal. Typing is so faster than writing anyway and my hand doesn't hurt. I do love my mom, she is the best. I made fun of her tonight, which I probably shouldn't have. When she answers the phone her tone of voice is like that of someone talking to a 2-yr. old.

I think I need to find some stuff to do. I guess it's just so weird still to me to finally be done with college and have nowhere new to go, you know? Like it's the first time in 4 yrs that I don't have another home to go to or some plan in the future. It's an open book. You know what else I realized that made me kind of sad today? I haven't had a phone call in God knows how long. It's not a big deal and I don't really care all that much but I didn't ever think about how many phone calls I get. I know I'm definitely not a nobody loser, but it made me feel like one. I know, boo fucking hoo. Did I mention I took Myers Briggs? Oh ya, I think I did. Weird. I wouldn't mind going to the Watering Hole and smoking cigarettes and drinking a shit load of Tenents. What the hell am I doing in this shit suburb?

Not sailing

Well, no boat movement at all yet. I haven't even opened it yet. Well, I did take a wee peeky inside but that's it. Apparently they want me to paint the boat as well.

http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/09_16_2004.html
That's a funny thing you should read. Jess has it on her blog. She doesn't comment on mine but I comment on hers. What a low down hoe. Just Joshin
Speaking of Josh, I have nothing to say about him.

My aunt Bonnie is the coolest lady ever. She just got back from India in the mountains where her father died. She was telling us about it. It sounded wonderful. That sounds bad but I don't mean it. I mean that the way he died sounds so peaceful and joyful. She is helping BR a lot too, which is good, like getting her up in the morning. Aunt Bonnie calls the Himalayas the Him-all-ias. I love learning how stupid everyone but the native are.

I sent out my resume to a few places. The lady immediately responded and offered me a position I didn't think I was qualified for at all! Weird! But it's in a bad neighborhood in Chicago and the hours are bad so I'm not too sure. Plus, I'm just not too keen on being a Development Coordinator. I worked at Opportunity today. Made $70. Not that bad. I think I am going to buy Napolean Dynamite from Hollie and get my nails done with my mom. We are becoming friendy friends. She gave me a foot corn dog today while I was laying on the floor with my dad. We were looking at the cars in the paper. We are getting a new car! The one we have is about to explode Simpson's style. I almost ran out of gas to Opportunity today but I decided I wasn't going to fill 'er up. Oh ya, back to that. It totally sucked my left one. I did office bull shit all day. Collating, stuffing, fed exing. BOO URNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, I haven't been shopping in a few weeks. I'd say it's high time. Maybe me and my $70 will go to TJMAXX, the greatest place on earth. In Scotland it was TKMAXX. Weird, eh? They haven't invented a "j" yet. HAHAHAHAHA. (Good one, eh Diane?!)

Tuesday night I went out with HOllie and Nate and some of Nate's friends. They were all ok. Nate is a ton of fun to hang out with, Hollie too of course. He ordered this drink called mellonade, which I of course made fun of him for. I embarrassed Hollie of course when I told Nate, loudly, that I had mouth Herpes when he wanted to try my beer. Even though they weren't that much younger than me I felt like a complete dumb ass because they were all younger than me. Nice to hang out with and meet, but not good for meeting and being friends. Little boys with greesy hair and pimples just DO NOT do it for ANYONE, especially me. They were all really nice, tho. I told you about how I covet A.C. Slater's body from Saved by the Bell, right? Damn. That's what I'm holding out for. No jerry curl mullet though. Looks like a head full of oily pubes cut in the worst way ever. Oh brother, I have to create a live journal account for Dianey. Should I take a bath, though? Mmm...no. I think I will eat chocolate and wash my sheets instead. I don't like to say that, it makes it sound as though I came all over them or Addie sharted on them or something. But no! None of the above! Ok, I am going to do some reading. I am exhausted. I went to bed at 3 and woke up at 8:40. How fucking stupid is that? I wanted to find out who won the election in Mitford! hehehehehehehehehe!!!
bye!

Cap'n Andrea!

Ok guys, so this is totally the pic of my new Boat. I will send more pics as my boat looks more like this. I was very disheartened to discover that there is no boat stand that says Captain Kidd. And it shouldn't be "Captain," either. It should be "Cap'n." hahahaha!

My Dad has picket fences and tassels on his shoes.

I have a lot to report and I feel like putting it all down. First the short carp: Hollie thinks our hairlines are very bizarre indeed. You should see them. CRAZY. Um... Oh YA!!!!! I totally bought a model boat today from Hobby Lobby! hahahahaha! Hollie and I went to Hobby Lobby because I wanted to get something to do that would be fun to accomplish. We looked and looked and since I temporarily have no money and was borrowing some from my mom I wasn't able to get the cool birdhouse for my dad that I want to make him. So instead I bought a model boat to put together! HAHAHAHAHAHA! It's all cheap ass and plastic but it rules. I will put pics on here and you can laugh and me because I know I will look like a goddamn 5 year old and his boat. Hollie's boyfriend came over tonight and I ran up the stairs and said, "Nate! Nate! I bought a boat!" And I showed him and he said, "So the job search is not doing so well, eh?" And I said, "mm..Not so much!" I was laughing my ass off. A boat! Oh wait. It's not just any boat, but Captain Kidd Pirate Boat with people and everything! Even a "detailed canon!" HAHAHAHAHAHA. I should write a song about my boat. If you would like to, please feel free.

Ok, more importantly. I met with Renee tonight. She rules. I don't know if I've mentioned but she's always giving me stuff, which really makes me feel super. And not like clothes and food and carp, but like exercises for panickyness, books, seminar brochures, etc. Tonight she gave me this diagram that is called, "How the Good News Became the Bad News." And she also gave me a Myers Briggs test! Of course I immediately took it when I got home. I didn't like the results at all so I took it again. Same thing. Hm.. I agree with two of the letters, the other two I'm not so sure. My cousin who is here is the exact opposite. EXACT OPPOSITE! Just like Judy I bet.

Me and BR had a long talk tonight. Nothing in particular really. Not only do we argue on little things, can't communicate well, and have nothing in common, but we also don't agree on anything. Poor sentence but you see what I mean. Yowza. Why would I start a conversation about God with a super conservative fundamentalist Christian who is a MK, a Wheaton College Student, and a first time reader of Harry Potter (she avoided it because of the DEVIL!)? Why? It wasn't that bad, but boy howdy, we do not agree on much. Raise your hand if you're happy you're not in a "community" right now. OOO MEEE! Talking to Renee about God is enough for me. The last thing I want to do is debate about God's character and the reliability of the bible. I've done that for the last 2 years and I am fucking spent. SPENT! No more bible studies that squeeze God into my pirate boat. No more churches that want you in a mold. Nope, nope, nope.

Oo! My scarf got washed today! It was looking a little yellow so I asked my dear mother to stick 'er in and voila! (Not to be confused with "viola"...the most useless instrument in the world besides a woodwind. hahaha.) Remember, I say a lot of things I don't mean in this blog to make a point. I do believe, however, that woodwinds (I initially spelled it as "would") are poopy.

In all seriousness, I don't really know what the hold-up is on me pursuing God again. I really don't. Fear, confusion, doubt, disillusionment, laziness, lack of self-discipline, perfectionism, not accepting particular things about myself, lack of faith, lack of trust, no community, not wanting to deal with old issues. There, I think I answered my own question. I guess I do know! The reason I bring this up is because tonight while talking to Renee I wondered why I was so opposed to being a Christian, and the things I was telling her I was questioning in my head. The more and more I think about all of this I realize there are few black and white issues. I am glad that I am on the fence..god damnit, I hate dial-up and MSN! Oh yes, on the fence. What a nice fence. Ok, this computer is ass and the monitor is making a very high-pitched noise. Auntie Bonnie is coming tomorrow, oh boya.

Dial-up is carp

Ahoy.
So our internet hasn't been working at all. I am actually on dial-up right now. Boo-urns. Nothing new, other than that my cousin continues to be a nut case. She slept until about 6pm yesterday and wouldn't come out of her room when she finally did wake up. It's highs and lows with her. Her mom is coming from Turkey. She was supposed to be here today but her flight from Istanbul was cancelled and she'll now be here tomorrow. She was just in India taking care of her dad, but he passed away last week and now she is coming here to look after Bonnie Rachel (my cousin, ya her name is a bit weird). I'm trying to be really nice to BR and do stuff with her, but it's hard because we have a hard time communicating. She is really competitive with me and argumentative. I don't think she means to be, tho.

I watched the Super Bowl yesterday for a bit. Not that entertaining. Sorry nothing fun or exciting to write about. I have more to say but I don't want to write it here, so I'll write it in my real journal. In other news, the weather is pretty awesome. It's been about 50 everyday. Last night I fell asleep listening to rain. Today it's all misty and cool. Pretty nice descriptive writing, eh? Misty and cool. Just likes Wordsworth. My mom went to observation today at a pre-school. Apparently this little boy walked right up to her and stuck his stupid kid face in hers and said, "Hi! I'm happy!" Hahahaha..Kids are so damn dumb. I really have nothing to write about, oddly enough, well, nothing I should write on here.

I like dough.

Everyone seems about ready to murder my cousin. Well, not really. She drives my mom up the wall, and she is so different than me I have a hard time communicating with her. Today we took the dogs for a walk and I didn't even know what to say. We walked past a trampoline and I said something silly like, "I wonder what they'd do if they came outside and saw me jumping on their trampoline and I said, 'Hi!'" And do you know what my cousin said? She said, "They'd probably be worried it would break because of the elasticity in the cold." Can you believe that? I know it doesn't sound like much but it's a good example of how we cannot communicate. I mean what the hell are you supposed to say to that? I was making a joke. I realize not a good one but I was just trying to be silly.

I know in my head that what this girl needs is some grace but I am having a hard time showing her that. She made cookies today but decided to double the batch. She used 4 sticks of butter, 2 cups of p-butter, 6 cups of flower, 6 eggs. We had to put the dough in like a 6 gallon pot used for stew. Pretty expensive recipe, wouldn't you say? My mom wasn't too happy about that. So all this to say, we're having a hard time with her and I don't think we are being as flexible as we could be; it's just difficult when she gets on your nerves because she is the most socially inept person ever. Not to mention the fact that she is dealing with some SEVERE issues right now, which is why she dropped out and moved here in the first place. It's just hard to remember that when she tries to be argumentative and has no idea what the hell she's talking about.

Well, I think I will go check on how the 500 million cookies are doing. She insists on rotating the cookies in the oven. It's just little shit like that. You don't need to rotate the damn cookies! hahahaha. I found myself just telling myself, "Self...it is ok that she does everything different than you, let it go, because it really doesn't matter how she gets a cup of flour. If she wants to fill a 1/4 c and pour that into a 1c and take a year to get 6c, then fine, let her have it her way." The good thing about the giant pot-full of cookie dough is just that--a giant pot-full of cookie dough.

Sorry for the lame entry but I write what's on my mind, and there really isn't anything very funny or philosophical in there today.

Now for something that will make me even more happy.

Here. Here is a pic that will be nice to look at. It's Josh. My brother. Thought I'd put something happy on here. There he is.

I give this entry a C

Ok. Doing much better now. Took Jasmine on a walk and wondered what the hell was going on with me. It was really nice outside. I then came home and talked to my dad for a while. I told him I wanted to live in a quiet little town maybe out east. I'd get a fun job and get to know everyone in the town. I think that's why I started to really like Galesburg. I told my dad that it would be fun to live with Diane and have something great to look forward to. He was skeptical, though. Like of course it's a blast at first but then when the relationship gets hard, time to move on.

Anyway. I gotta do something. Gotta get a schedule and keep moving, otherwise I'm going to get bored and then write horrible blogs like the previous one instead of posting pics of shoes.

I talked to Courtney for a bit online tonight for the first time in a way long time. I was just about to go on my walk when she IMed me. I was sad because I don't feel equipped at all anymore to really listen to someone and support them. But then I thought, I don't need to be anything to love someone. I don't need to have all my shit together, nor do I have to have had a quiet time earlier that day. I found myself feeling more free to just say, damnit, I feel like that too. Not that I was dishonest, but I prayed for her for day after day that I forgot to be her friend. It's so hard to explain. But it made me want to cry to not be able to be there for her, or for anyone else for that matter. I don't know where I'm going to find it yet, but I need support to be able to love people the way I want to love them. I want to be at a place where I can tell someone I am praying for them and actually mean it. Not because my prayers matter to God necessarily, but because I love the person so much that I would speak to God about them. Now all I can really say to someone is that I am thinking about them. I want to say I am praying for you. Whether or not God is really listening, intercessory prayer is an amazing thing because it helps you really love a person. At least, that's been my experience. It helps me try to understand what's in their best interest. Whether or not the Holy Spirit guides those prayers like it says in his job description I don't know anymore. I am no where near ready to start praying for anything. I have found myself over the past few weeks wanting to tell someone I was praying for them because I want things for them that I can't give them, like a group of close friendships, guidance, protection for their families, peace. I am interested to see how other religions deal with prayer. I checked out books on Buddhism, Mormonism, Hinduism, and Islam. I know a little about all but hell, I have a shitload of wasted time, might as well learn about something important that I didn't learn in college. Isn't this great? I mean, I just think it's the coolest thing that I have no idea who I am. It's so great.

I keep refusing to pray for a job, or for anything for that matter. But especially for a job. It seems like a ridiculous idea. Turning God back into a slot-machine. If I pray only to ask for things, what the hell is that?! I already have too much anyway. I read Steve's blog recently, which I hadn't done in a really long time. He wrote how if he died right before crashing into something in the winter God would be like, "Oh shit, shit, shit, shit?" For me, thinking about that only once is a bad idea. Seems to question God's unconditional grace, etc. blah blah blah. I could ramble at that more but nah.

Wouldn't it be fun to wake up at like 4am and go to work in a bakery?! Hell ya, it would. MMM...I love to bake. Although I need to lay off the baking because baking = eating and I probably ate half of that chocolate cake I made. Whang-do! (That's what the retards in my book say instead of holy shit.)

Maybe tomorrow I will get into the car and look for a fun place to work. Fun Fun Fun. Now, which way should I turn out of the driveway?

Well, it ended. That's right, the happiness that I felt for the past few days has melted back into bored sadness. I spent most of the day in bed reading. It's so pathetic but later I found myself just lying there under all my covers never wanting to move or get out again but not wanting anyone to find me that way.

I looked for some jobs today. Nothing really hit me as exciting except for these two restaraunts. My mom immediately shot that idea out of the water. I don't even want to work for a restaraunt. I also finally looked more into BSF's young adult bible study, which meets tonight. The more I imagined myself going all by myself the more sick I started to feel and had to go to the bathroom. I ended up sitting on the floor for a while after.

I think I need some air, I'm going for a walk.

Let's play "Two Truths and a Lie"!!!

1.) Andrea cannot spell for shit.

2.) Andrea's feet are always toasty warm.

3.) Tonight Andrea put on a peal-off mask and after 20 minutes thought it was the funnest thing in the world to peal crap off her face and throw it in the garbage, leaving her skin smooth and silky, comparable to a baby's caboose.



So which out of the three is the lie? Eh? Eh? Eh? It's easy! Or should I say "eazey." Wow...that was a Dad joke.

These are my new Kenneth Cole's! Ya!

Ok, this is a scone that Hollie and I made. They are jam-filled walnut scones. Picture the dough pre-golden and pre-puffed up. We had to make a slit in the dough and spoon a t-spoon of jam into the slit. Hollie said, "put the jam into the butt hole." So we took this pic with it being a butt hole in mind :)

Addie vs. the humidifier.

This is my room. Hey, I see me and I'm waving! That weird face thing on my dresser is my Rapunzel mask that I made for my African Art History class. The assignment was to make a mask that told an entire story that people would know. So, there you have it. I also have some glue on my dresser to make puzzles for people I like. And check out my plant! My goal is to have it go around the ceiling of my room, but I'm only 1/4 there!

This is the view of my room from the door. 10 points if you can find the dancing ballerina hippo!

This is Hollie pre-sledding in her toasty winter wear.

My mom just made me coffee! That's sweet. She's always trying to keep me "regular."

Well well. What to report? How about I start with the first thought that comes to my head? Ok! Diane called me Andrea the Nipple Face. Just because I like to sucker people's fake stupid nipples to my face doesn't mean I deserve such a title. Oh wait, yes it does :)
My dreams are so irritating!
Oh, and that cake I made? Damn! It was good. I made the icing and everything. mmmm...I came home from meeting with Renee and ate a ginormous piece. My dad said that the first third would satisfy my taste buds and desires but the rest of the two-thirds would be stuffing my face. Point of story: last bite: me = "Dad, I am still satisfying my tastebuds and desires."
I took this test to see how much of a Taurus I am. 40%
The element I am is fire. Most of the tests were incredibly wrong and I ended up yelling at the computer and asking it what the hell was wrong with it.
Hollie said she needs to get me on a date so I can wear my pink shirt. Gross. I hate Ska music. I need to go on a date to wear my new Kenneth Cole's! ahhhhhhh.hahaha
But seriously, guys, I really need a job. I am smart and my resume is kick ass but I just don't know what I want to do. Renee sort of hit in on the head: The reason I want to help women, or people living with HIV/AIDS, or work for an INGO is because it was a response to my slot machine relationship with God. Now that that relationship is dripping with disillusionment, I feel kind of lost and not really eager to do those things. It's like part of me is gone, yet I am not sure if I want that part back. Well I know I do but not like it was before. Anyway, it feels like I'm only searching for a job that requires you to be bi-lingual and I'm not. But that's the only job I want. Does that make any sense? Ya, it's kind of losing me too. Anyway, I'm feeling good about letting stuff out but I'm kind of wanting to return to my old self. I mean, I would stick some fake nipples all over myself any day of the week, but I'm just ready to get going. That's a good thing.