Ilikadecake!

My birthday's in 5 days! Wahoo-oooo! My birthday's in 5 days! Wahoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
That's the new song Hollie and I sing. Yes, we are still singing about Luna Carpet; we have just added to our repertoire. Next is the Empire Carpet commercials and Mendards. What's with us and carpet?

Today I realized I am exactly where I need to be and screw everyone who thinks otherwise. I am lucky to be where I am, not spoiled or lazy or anything else.

I sure do wish it was warm outside. I do love me some outside...when it's warm. I used to have this mixed tape (before there were burners...hahaha) and on it was this Smashing Pumpkins song called Dancing in the Moonlight or something like that. It's alright, it's alright, moonlight. On these long hot summer nights. I LOVE that song, although I haven't heard it in about 6 years. I can't find it anywhere.

My birthday's in 4 days! Wahoo-oooo! My birthday's in 4 days! Wahoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I still don't know what I'm doing but I can't not not help getting excited! Je vraiment aime des présents et gâteau!! mmmmm....gat-toe! Since we don't have heat and we shut the doors in this room during the day I'm going to skeedattle because I like my appendages. Vraiment.

Today reminds me a bit of Scotland. It's cold and rainy, although everything is not brown (like it was when I was there). We don't have any heat. Our heater broke and we aren't going to fix it because when we do our addition the heater is going to be replaced anyway. Lucky us it broke. So I am in the llama sweater! YEA! Of course my wee neck is itchy. Oh well. BURR!
Ok, the book I am reading is called something like...um...The Incident with the Dog at Night....or something..by Matt Hammond. Ok, let's check my memory now:
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon.
It's about a boy who is autistic and he narrates the story. The chapters aren't sequential. He numbers the chapters by prime numbers. So 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, so forth. He is talking about this incident with this dead dog he found, but he intersperces writing about the way he thinks. It's pretty damn cool so far, although I haven't gotten far because I started it two nights ago and I was tired and last night I played Zelda before bed.

Hollie and I talked a lot last night about this thing she is dealing with with Nate. It has really been on my mind a lot and I want to talk about it to Renae. Not about Hollie's situation, but my internalization of it (if that's a word).

My birthday's in a week and one day! YEA! I'm asking for a subscription to US News and World Report. I feel like I fell off the radar and have no idea what is going on. I want ccooffee.

An addendum

Ok, so I'm not allowed to talk about gross stuff around certain people because they loose their appeitites but my dad told me something pretty nasty and I want to share it. So my dogs eat each other's shit, right? You'd think that'd be enough but OH NO! Nothing is too disgusting for my adorable wee pug Addie. When it's nice outside my dad goes and sits on our swing to pray in the morning before work. He lets the dogs out and drinks coffee as well. So last night he was telling me about how as soon as he let the dogs out that morning Jasmine (our black lab) naturally went to the bathroom. Not Addie, though. That retard (and please remember she is a pug and has no snout so if she wants to smell something her whole face is going in) started to lick Jasmine's butthole and eat the poop while it was coming out. GOOD LORD! WHY? WHY? Why does she do that?! We feed her. She gets treats and bones. What's the matter with my little pugglet? If I didn't love her I'd drop kick her into the neighbor's yard.

Boo

Ahoytee.
I felt like posting a post but now that I am here I don't really know what to say, which is a bad sign since i write too much when I have nothing to say.. Since I finished Brothers K I read The Secret Garden, which I am sad to report, I had never previously read. Let's just say I'm asking for a gardening tool set for my birthday, which is in 10 days. After that I read The Secret Life of Bees, an absolutely wonderful book as well. I am lucky not to have read a shit book lately. The life of bees book was about a girl who killed her mother accidentally when she (the girl) was 4. There is confusion as to whether or not the mother was cleaning out the closet or leaving the girl and the dad. The dad was a total prick. He beat the girl, who is now 14 and she runs away with their black housekeeper (it's 1964 and the Civil Rights Act was just signed and they are in the South and get into some trouble with some local dumb asses). Anyway, they run away. The girl struggles with not knowing whether or not her mother abandoned her, and never wanting to see her father again, even though he is searching for her to kick the shit out of her for leaving. Of course she's brilliant and a writer. She and Rosaleen (the housekeeper) end up living with four black spinster sisters and Lily (the girl) has amazing relationships with them. The women have their own type of religion which focuses on a statue of a black Mary. They rub honey on her. It's wonderful. Made me cry again but the ending was great. I don't know why Diane said it was too sad for me. There definitely are some very sad scenes, especially one, but they don't make you cry as much as feel regret, if that makes sense.

Tonight I am starting this book that is red and has a sillhouette of a dog on it. I don't remember the title obviously, and especially not the author.

Today I put in the mail a letter that says I am not going to walk for graduation. I haven't really been in school for over a year and felt like I had offically graduated back in Dec 03. It doesn't really matter to me. What matters more to me is my birthday in 10 days. I was remembering last year's birthday. There was that a women's retreat, which I never wanted to go to but felt I had to be there. It still kind of hurts that they didn't even sing me happy birthday or make me a cake. It wasn't even brought up. Great fucking community. The highlight of the night was a vm saying "happy fucking birthday, bitch face." I think that is a very good example of the squeeze I was in there. On the one hand I had this group of women (and guys but they weren't there) who I felt embodied my "community," but I didn't fit in there at all. Then I had this voice mail. Oh fuck it, nevermind. Point of this rambling: it's been a pretty shit year. Scotland was great. Being at home is great. In fact on the surface level, everything's been great. I was outside yesterday thinking that I keep expecting to go back to who I used to be, i.e. little miss suzy god face. And I thought, pfshaw...that aint happening. hell no am i moving backward to anything. this is hard to explain. i guess what i mean is i can't picture myself to be a gung ho christian ever again. in the back of my mind i am sort of waiting for it to all fall together: if i go to church, if i get involved, etc. etc. but maybe its just not going to be that way nor do i want that.

im working a lot at oi which is nice cause i look cute all worked-clothed out. there is this intern, jonathan, who is pretty damn funny, even if he is from texas and helped with the bush campaign. oh ya, he listens to rush limbaw everyday. (i know my spelling calls into question my intelligence.) he calls fridays "sweet shirt fridays" or "ssf." the last time i was there we played solitare at the same time to see who would win the fastest and/or with the highest points. we bet on whether or not weather.com would be correct. per my recommendation he is going to the house on the hill in michigan...or is it wisconsin...same thing. he's super rich too. his dad owns a steel company and they have 2 ranches. but he's not an asshole or anything, although he does buy nice clothes like Theory. Oh boy I am rambling. I'm going to go back to what I had started to say...

So I am looking at this birthday in 10 days and it doesn't mean a whole lot to me. It's Hollie's and Nate's 6 month anniversary too but they are going to celebrate the 29th for me. It's really nice of them and all but I don't see us doing anything super exciting. I've had really good birthdays but this one is probably going to depress the hell out of me. Diane said she sent a card, which will be nice. It felt good she remembered! I'm really not trying to be all "woah is me." I'm just sharing what I am thinking about. And I am thinking it's going to be a lonely birthday. I had a dream about it last night. Rachel was there and she was bald. I went back to my old apt. and I think I was there alone, with Hollie, or with Melissa. Anyway, Judy showed up with tons of presents because it was her b-day too and she had presents from everyone in IV for the both of us. i was so mad because people bought presents for me. i felt cheap and bought-off. i think it was because i was thinknig about how a certain someone sent me an email recently and said he was just saying hello and he'd write more later. that was like 3 weeks ago. glad my response didn't take much of anything out of me. oh i'm not a bit angry, can you tell? hahaha. i always write about the bad stuff. i'm so passive agressive that way. in person im actually super duper friendly and fun.

which reminds me of hollie and me playing mario kart yesterday. we had the giggles and were laughing about everything. she was mad at me because i made her spin out with a red shell. she had been in first the first 2 laps and then came in 2nd. she said something about how she was in first that whole good lap. HAHAHA. had to be there...then i was yoshi because we like to face each other and blind-choose our cups and players (keeps things exciting) and i was thinking about dinosaurs and death. then i was thinking about sin and death. isn't sin a result of the fall? and didn't dinosaurs come before humans? so if there was no death before the fall how come the dinosaurs all died? im going to have to look into that. we actually did at dinner yesterday. god talks about death as if adam and eve knew what it was. im still not convinced a specific man-adam and a specific woman-eve existed. im a player for the whole "people groups" christian belief. in sum, this issue has not been resolved because none of us have the first few chappies of Genesis memorized.

im totally stoaked because this weekend my dad and i are going to start painting!! YES! i stripped all the wallpaper, soaked the left-over gloop in this crap, scraped that off, put more stuff on, brillow padded that off, rinsed the wall, dried the wall, sanded the putty crack filler shit off the wall, sanded the windows, doors baseboards what have you, and now we get to PAINT! hot damn! i love it. i look ridiculous though. i wear my "fetish" shirt with the shoe on it, with my red chuck taylors. but it's so great. my dad and i listen to the beatles and sing together. (he's building a closet in the same room because my mom has too much crap.) i did not like the sanding. i pride myself on silky smooth hands and now they feel gritty, because, well, i sanded my fingertips off basically. but it is all done and the painting will commence! i found drinking a beer because i was thirsty an odd concept. my dad came in one day and handed me a beer and i was so thirsty and chugged it down (not like diane chugging a pint in 28 seconds though HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! sexy!) And I was like, huh, this is the first beer I've ever had because i was actually thirsty, and ive had many a beer.

ok i just lost all urge to type. bye.

Bye bye

Well I don't really want to write much. Little Rock was cool. I could write a lot about that but what's the point. The weather is fucking amazing. I am so happy not to be wearing socks. Or bras, but I don't wear those ever. I'm getting $500 in taxes, which is super duper because I owe $30k, plus another $2k to my parents. They're charging me rent now. Whatever. Josh's gf is in a movie with Christopher Lloyd. I finally finished Brothers K. It surpassed Neverwhere and any other book that was previously a favorite of mine. I cried my eyes out near the end but it wasn't sad, it was just really good. Ya, I could write a ton on here but like I said, there's no point. So I don't know how often I'll write on here at all anymore. Goddamnit, kids are annoying.

Ah blahp blahp blahp blahp...

It's been a weird few days. Well, at least for me. Right now I am looking at a cardinal in our bird feeder. We moved our puter downstairs to re-do the room it was formerly in. I, in fact, am re-doing it. I stripped all the wallypaper and then removed the "gloop." I just washed Jasmine and Addie outside because it is a LOVELY day. Then I had my mom in tears laughing so hard because Jasmine took a huge green, soupy poopy in the basement and we were cleaning it up and I was making lots of throw-up noises. I am leaving on Wednesday for Little Rock. I'm feeling a bit better about that. I am refusing to entertain any type of anxious thoughts. There is this other wee "technique" to calm oneself down. Each one of your fingers (on one hand-I use the left hand becasue I'm a southpaw) represents a different sense. Then you pick something nice for that sense and when you get all nervousy you look at your hand and think of the things you like. It helps to interrupt "anxious thoughts." So for taste, mine's coffee or creme brulee. For smell, that would be a coming rainstorm. For sight, it is ing inside Dunnotar Castle's ruins and watching a fammy of dolphins swimming in the ocean. For touch, that would definitely be my scarf, and for sound I have two. One is Hollie singing "I love spring, I love spring, I love everything" to the tune of Saria's Song from Zelda. The other is her blowing out a candle, Hollie style, which is sticking her face right near the candle and going "ah blahp blahp blahp blahp." hahaha. See? Not nervous anymore.

I had the weirdest dreams last night. I feel kind of funny admitting that in one of them I was a gay man having some good ole' gayman sex. But it was so werid because I was still a woman. Talk about being sexually confused. I still have no idea what the hell was going on there (I'm watching too much TV I think. Boo-urns on TV. I really hate TV but I keep watching it. I'm glad we don't have cable and I'm glad when I live out of the house I don't have TV). In the other one I was hanging out with this pretty cool band, but they were all like 13 and I felt really old. It was like "Almost Famous" and Hollie did a lot of drugs and I had to carry her out of there because she could not say no to drugs. hahaha. I am supposed to work at OI tomorrow but I thought tomorrow was today so I made an ass out of myself by leaving some weird voice mail messages. Oh well.

I keep feeling guilty about decisions I make. I need to take some fucking responsibility for them and just accept them and be ok with that, and not be redundant redundant. Like it's perfectly fine if I set a goal for myself and don't meet it. For example, I wanted to be walking Jasmine a lot, but I haven't been, so I feel like I am a bad person and that is bull shit. I told Renae that I need to start building myself up because I am so hard on myself, almost like a perfectionist...or maybe exactly like a perfectionist! So I am trying to tell myself good things that I like. But it's so hard; try it, it's really hard. For me, beating myself up comes so naturally that I barely have to think it. But complimenting myself takes a lot of conscious thought, which is not stream-of conscious, tangent thinking, which is how I think (I assumse most people do this too). Like, um, I rule because I got my dad a bird feeder and I painted it like woah. HAHAHA, it's even shaped like a bird! I found a pair of ESPRIT $55 black flats for $5, which is pretty damn sweet. I have been dominating in the wallpaper-stripping department. I do a mean dog washin'. I am a good baker. I play Mario Kart with Hollie when she wants, and even let her be Bowzer (my new favorite). I helped Mom wipe up the hershey squirts. See...not super things, but it's better. Hey, a girly cardinal is here. She's looking rather plump and fuzzy. I like watching birds because their heads move like that are continuously in a strobe-light in a rave or something, but when they fly their bodies are so graceful. Half of them is a stoned teenager at a party and the other half is a ballerina practicing for a play. Ok! I think on that note I will walk away from the computer.

Some blabbin'

Ok, so I have a ticket for Little Rock next Wed-Fri and I should be so excited but I am really nervous. First of all, I am actually getting to go to LR! Second, I am going to be hanging out with the coolest people. One guy is the honorary CEO of OI and he set us up with the coolest hotel apparently. I'm also going to be meeting this guy who is making these shirts called pover-tees. The honorary CEO knows EVERYONE, I've heard. He's like superman. So I'm getting to make some amazing connections here and spend time in a supposedly cool place.
But I'm nervous as hell. I have to go sit in on meetings, my dad said. And I am going to dinner with these people. No matter how many times I explain it to my dad he does not get the panic attacks, nor does he seem to give a shit about them. It's like he doesn't listen to me because he refuses to believe their anything but me siking myself out. Goddamnit, what the hell is that? Like yesterday at OI I was in one of the exec's offices chitty chatting with her and I got a wave of panickyness. I told my dad later and he's like, why did that happen. And I know him, he expects like a 2-3-word answer and I just can't give it to him. So he set up all these meetings for us that I have to go one because it's "part of the deal" with the free ticket and all. Real supportive, eh? I totally can understand his perspective but this keeps happening with him. I probably won't have a full-blown panic attack (hopefully!) but I will definitely have to calm myself down, which takes an immence amount of energy. Crap. So I feel bad about feeling apprehensive to go on a great experience. I guess I just gotta keep reminding myself of the great stuff that will happen there.

In funnier news, yesterday was my first mooning ever. I mean I've showed some crack before and I've ran around naked, but I have NEVER mooned anyone! So this was great. I came home from Opportunity ready to slit my wrists on the first sharp thing I saw (it was soooooo boring and dull!), and all my crazy pent-up energy came rushing out as I was putting my jammies on. I was wearing butt floss and I ran into Hollie's room and asked her if she wanted to see "this" and then I ran out and did the same to my mom. HAHAHAHAHA It was super.