we were talking about unconditional love and it fell apart rapidly

me: i unconditionally love my family
me: and addie
me: but i dont ahavah addie
jordan: do you dode her?
me: LOL
jordan: you're sick
me: you said it!
jordan: you do don't you
me: yes. i have sex with my female dog and our souls become one
me: seriously man
me: big boy pants
me: wear them

good news! so because we are not ripping up the kitchen we got a christmas tree!!!!! YEA!! they bought a little fake one but we couldnt stand it so we got a real one. its a wee little fellow (or gal) but i still love walking into the house or down the stairs and smelling pine. jordan and i took coleman to the airport tonight and jordan and i talked on the way back. thats 3 conversations weve had total that havent been poopy. or rather, that have been great.

well, if you were wondering, i am officially sick of christmas music as planned. its funny, however, since i am in no way, in the holiday spirit. im around bull shit crap all day long but our house has no christmas cheer due to the construction and whatnot. i really really miss walking into our pine smelling house. oh well, at least my mom will be cooking and thats super.

Johnny Depp makes my ovaries somersault.

ahoy. so this weekend was fun. i saw narnia and had a great free dinner afterwards. I went with Hollie for her bday and invited Jamelyn and Andy along. I had a great time with those two. I still can't wrap my head around Narnia in terms of whether or not I liked it. I definitely enjoyed it but I don't think it is a good theater movie, if that makes sense. It was slow moving in the beginning, although I loved the beginning because it was beautifully done. Lucy was an amazing little actress and watching her go through the wardrobe was something special. Aslan was also pretty cool, although I wish he had a more central role. I will have to watch it again. I also have to see HP4 again too, dag namit. I am so stoked about it. I want to go now! But I have to see it with Jordan to hold his hand so he doesn't get too scared. Last night was Heather's soiree or fiesta. Tres fantastique! That girl knows how to throw a party with the best food and drinks ever. MMM! Pears with cheese and bruschoooto. Ya, I have no fucking clue how to spell that. Bruscuitto? I dunno. Today I met with Sandra to go over again this Shift Supervisors meeting. I think she was drunk cause every other word she said was fuck. I was starting to feel uncomfortable because she was getting quite angry and worked up. Basically our meeting consisted of her going off for about 45 minutes with me paying attention and whenever she would ask, "you know what I mean?" I'd nod or say ya or totally or something. It sucked. The boys were here this weekend working on the house. It's gotten so much colder since there're no walls. I am wearing this huge old Adidas jacket right now actually and drinking tea. I am kinda sick too. Tomorrow I don't meet with Renae which is nice since I don't have much to talk about, nor do I really welcome that anymore. Before, all I wanted to do was have soupy poopy of the mouth with her. Now that we are actually to the meat of stuff that can't be solved in like one session it's a lot harder for me to willingly go. Perhaps if I brought the Dunkin Doughnuts coffee to the appt. it would be better. Hmmm...I don't really know what else to write about on here.

So I'll make a new paragraph.

Nothing too interesting has happened lately. Today Sandra said something about having a sleepover if she was too drunk to drive home and that she would sleep in my bed and we would cuddle and then I would love her. And I told her in response that love is not conditional. I don't know, I just totally heard myself saying it and not really thinking it beforehand. I don't necessarilly believe it myself but I enjoyed telling her that. If someone told me that in response to something I had said I'd say, since when? I'm almost finished with Blue Like Jazz. I think I have less than one chapt left which is a bad sign. I never stop reading at the end of a book. I guess I was just exhausted last night or something but anyway, his main point in this one chapter was that accepting God's love is pretty damn important. Of course, he's a good writer so it actually sounded good, but I got quite a bit from that. All I want is to accept that God loves me. Can you imagine how your life would change if you were to believe that? Mine sure as hell would. Course there's the whole believing that Jesus is love and blah blah blah, that I'm not quite sure I completely buy still. I want to though simply because it sounds so great. Loving people and helping them. Giving people crap and being holy. Dying to yourself. Sounds kinda nice. I suck ass at all of it though. I read also in BLJazz that my money is God's money. Hahahaha! It really stumped me to be honest. Like, ya, no shit, I've heard that few gajillion bajillion times (always from rich ass white bastards) but I had forgotten that because my money is really mine. I earned it. I punched in to get paid. I trained and I signed forms to get insurance. I went to the bank and set up an account and I deposit my check into my account with a password no one else knows. It's my fucking money and I spend it on me and occasionally other people if I have extra. Am I wrong? Yikes! It's God's money? Well spank my ass and call me Susan. And let me just say as I am thinking of all of this still, being a follower of anything, especially Christianity, is hard as hell and I am no good at it. Not at all, Precious. I can't commit to it because it seems to hopeless. I need to tithe, I should love my neighbor as myself. I should accept God's love and grace. I should pray every day. I should go to church. I should think of all the shit I do wrong and then ask for forgiveness. I should enjoy God through nature and other things. I should be still. I should talk to people about their faiths. And I should not have the attitude of what I "should" do. Does that make sense? It's exhausting. And all the while I'm in this relationship with the creator of the world who I cannot see, hear, feel, taste, or touch. I mean seriously, what the fuck is all that? OY. But I still must say, it sounds mighty nice and I'm going slowly but surly knowing that I'll never really get it and never stop doubting. Isn't that great? Riiiiiiiiight.

Anyway, as we've been ripping apart the walls we've found a bunch of old shit in them. Our house is about 100 years old and we found a baby's first birthday card from 1939 and a doctor's reminder appt. card from 1941. Pretty cool, eh? There were a bunch of old playing cards and giant puzzle pieces too. I play cards and even got a new puzzle yesterday (although it's an ugly one my mom picked out). I've written a lot and I want to go sleepy now, or at least get into my toasty bed. I have three days off this week. That sucks my left one but I might be getting a raise! We shall see. Ta ta.

I just have two things I want to say. First, the moment I finished listening to that sermon I knew Steve needed to hear it. He just signed online to tell me over and over again, "That's it! That's it! That's it!" I'm super glad to hear that. I really feel like this Mr. Matt Chandler guy has got something here so it's nice to pass it along to someone like Steve because there is so much worthless and needless bull shit floating around out there. Well, that's too ambiguous. Rather, so much bull shit forcing you to bend over so it can shove itself so far up your ass you get light headed and faint. So yes, glad for Steve!

Second, I am getting irritated with how "girly" I am with Jordan lately. Yes, we all know I fancy him but our relationship just drives me fucking NUTS! ARGH! GRASH! DSke! I find myself even taking out some of my frustration on him by calling him names or being kinda bitchy. Isn't that retarded? Ya, it is. I tell him I like him and then I tell him I don't even think we should be friends. Hollie always rolls her eyes at me and tells me not to be surprised when he becomes confused by me and I end up taking a bath in the shit pool I just built. (I would just like to add here, however, that it is important to remember I am far too hard on myself.) But anyway, what the hell?! She's totally right. The less I see him the better I feel about a lot of things. But then I love to see him. Oh holy hell, I am so cutting myself off.

well it's true. I haven't written in a while but I have been thinking a lot and hearing a lot and writing a lot too, for that matter, and I just havent wanted to put it here. well friends, i think the time has come. i am no longer interested in not being a fan of anything christianity related. dont get me wrong, i still loathe the church to a certain extent, but i kinda have a bit of a thing for god and jesus. :)

ive been listening to this AWESOME pastor from (believe it or not) a texas church. it is AMAZING! in my favorite sermon so far he said something funny about mormons and then goes, oh wait, yellow card me. not only is he hystarical but his teaching will knock you on your ass. so ya, SO good.

in other news, i visited my first hookah bar last night. its my new favorite place on earth. thats right! screw rolling hills and mountains and sunsets and oceans. the hookah bar is where its at. they have tribond! heheheheheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

ps-why didnt anyone ring my bell?
pps-my sisters bday fun is friday at 7pm. narnia! so let me know if you want to come and we'll get tickitos