people who say that drinking by yourself is a bad thing are stupid. i think it's a great thing. i don't have to worry about driving. i don't have to worry about getting hit on by a nasty guy. i don't have to worry about having to pee in a dirty bathroom. i can just sit and drink. and drink. and that is what i have done. and drink. and you know what else?! i can eat the carmel from the carmel popcorn right off my chest that fell there. and no one will see me! mmmmmmmmm! i can lalalalala as much as a i want too. i talked to this kid from college. havent talked to him in a while. we had eyes for each other at one point. he's the kind of kid i could picture myself having casual sex with. too bad. ian is online too. i could have casual sex with him too. man i wish i was a whore i could have casual sex with everyone. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
oh boy.
seriously though it's nice to have integridy and goodness. i can squeeze my lip and barely feel it. that is how i know i am not sober. when i squeeze my lip. i have to pee and since i am not at some dirty ass shit hole piece of crap bar i am going to pee. and enjoy it. good night.

wow synical andrea just showed up

i don't know why i keep writing this blog but it was always for me so here i go yet again. first of all, the mail lady always sits a long time outside our house so i sit and wait till she's gone and then go get the mail. sometimes i buck up though and am like, i don't care if she sees me. but most of the time it's 2:45 in the afternoon and i'm in my pjs. so i'm going to have a wee peeky. nope, nothing for me. so i went out last night to this bar with this kid from my work and ive hung out with his friends before but one in particular was so damn loud and obnoxious. so that kind of ruined it for me cause i just wanted to sit there and enjoy my beer. why did he have to break shit and scream the whole time? bastard. then we went to this playground to play adult lava monster, which is like lava monster with a blind fold. as we were walking to this park they were hitting a bowl and making sure there were no cops around. it instantly reminded me of highschool. also of the displacement that i always feel: disconnected from christians because they are lame but attracted to their sense of worth etc., disconnected from non christians because they just don't get it but attracted to them because i am like them in so many ways. (what a horrifyingly simplistic way to put that.) that's not the point though. the point is it was kind of lame ass. but i played and i was the lava monster. i sucked at it but i got this girl who was really nice. i felt bad cause i kung fu kicked her in the stomach. the whole night was kind of depressing though.i just wanted to go home and be by myself because these people just didn't seem worth me potentially being caught by police. goddmanit, i hate pot so much. it's such bull shit that people have to be stoned to have fun or even "more" fun. it's stupid and anyone who smokes it knows it makes you stupid but apparantly that's the appeal. what the hell. be yourself. so i came home and tried to think about something else, i.e. watch new 6th season of the simpsons. see....my....vest! hahahahaha. like my loafers? former gofers. i need a haircut so bad but my appt isn't till november. can you believe that? yowza. hahaha. im thinking about yesterday driving by wheaton college and seeing this kid who had long hair and a cool tshirt on. i was like, ooooo, but then as we got closer his pants were all way up high and his shoes were lame and his hair had this odd part to it. and i was just like, go fucking figure. it's like from far away christian boys can actually attract me but when i get up closer they repel me by how phony they look. judgmental i know but im not gonna lie about what im attracted to and it definitely isn't a bunch of posers. holy hell that is so mean and i cant believe im saying it but that's what i feel like!! i can just hear them singing a song but not singing the word fuck or something. why? or their hair almost looks cool but really they don't quite know what to do with it. the boys that do are assholes. and they don't want to know what you believe in and what you love. and i feel like im the exception to both of these things i see all the time. i think a lot of girls are actually. and maybe boys are too but i havent met any in a LONG time, if ever. no wait, i totally have. my cousin's new husband rules. hes totally himself and just an awesome person but he also has incredible integrity. maybe its cause he's 30. i would definitely not mind dating a 30yr old. but right now id much rather have some good friends. i miss diane. she wouldnt smoke pot and play on a playground. we'd swing on swings and then go for a walk and just laugh and talk. a lot of my friends have been like that but they all just sort of trickle out and away. i miss diane i guess because i didnt know her long enough for that to have happened. no one is ever good enough i guess or something in me just stops caring.
ok this has gotten way too revealing and way too honest. pretty cool though i think. you get to see the bad parts of me and the vulnerable parts of me. knock yourself out.

trivia: what was clark gables' real name?

ahoy-t.
well i am officially back from collyrado. i just love love love estes park and the rocky mountain national park. i've been there i think now 4 times and know it pretty well. I wanted to put some pics on my blog but when I tried to pull the cpu closer to me i might have accidentally pulled out the phone cord and ripped it clear in half. oopsey. that, and this shit computer doesnt recognize when something is connected to the usb.

the reunion was not as bad as i was expecting although there was some crazy lame ass crap like singing and dancing and playing guestures. bluhk. tons of dumb little kids too. but i understand about myself that i take a while to warm up to people i dont know, so by the end of the second day i was rather enjoying myself. where we stayed was really nice too, although the guy that ran it was a complete nut job. there were signs EVERYWHERE and we made fun of him a lot. there was a sign above the pool table that said you must be 13 to play pool. i asked someone to turn on the fan and my cousin Rachelle goes, "you have to be at least 15 to turn it on." im like, "ya, and you have to have been born between 8pm and 10am on a tuesday." see? we made fun of him. dumb bastard. haha.

i talked to dianer today which was nice and i am still working on my room. all i have to do is wash the floor and then i can move on in, since today i had to scrub off dried plaster and scrape off tiny paint drops. ok so at work there's this drink called a reindeer drink and what it is is steamed milk and flavor syrup. so this guy ordered an irish cream reindeer drink. ashley made it and calls it out as "medium irish cream reindeer milk." HAHAHA. i laughed my ass off.

anyway, we saw elk and deer and lots of mountains. it was definitely rough on my body to all of a sudden be in dry, cooler air 10k feet up. climbing too, no less. my buns were-a burnin'. but that park just fucking rules. tons of streams and waterfalls and beautiful flowers and trees. it smells amazing and the clouds are awesome. the tundra is the highest level of mountain and no trees grow there because there is not enough oxygen. you can literally see the difference between that level and the next level, the subapline level. we hiked mainly in this, which was around 9k miles above sea level. at the top of 2 climbs there were lakes with fat chipmunks due to hiker friendliness. my mom was wearing a drawstring-type backpack for her water and she set it down at this lake. she turned around and this porky wee chippy was tugging at the strings. and my dad fed this other chippy a peanut but he stuck it between his fingers so it would have to work to find the nut. and then my dad hid a bunch and the chippy stuck them in his cheeks. HAHAHAHA. what a fat ass! we three also made up a new word: tit nose. i was like, "mom, did you just call me a tit nose?" hahaha. so now we call each other tit noses. hahahaha.

im glad to be back home with the puggo and labba. travelling REALLY stresses me out because no matter where i am i rarely feel safe. we went to this historic lodge to have this awesome walnut topped
trout...mmm...and there was live classical music and an amazing view but i still had a panic attack. i got over it though and made it go away after shitting a log. it was a nice accomplishment if i do say so myself. oh shit, and staying with josh is a story in itself. you wouldnt think a person could create a ton of chaos in 2 short days with 50 family members around...or maybe you can...either way, he definitely did. he got in late and jumped on my stomach to wake me up. it was really fun until i found a pic on his digital camera that still upsets me. im not sure what to do about it and im really bummed out. his gf dumped him there, the selfish bitch, so i didnt feel like discussing this pic was a super duper idea. argh. i dunno. i won't tell my parents or hollie about it but i did tell renae. it felt good to tell someone and talk about it. i met with her yesterday actually and we talked a lot about the reunion. i told her how much more diverse the family appears. she said that i experienced it finally as an adult esp. since the last time i saw them all i was like 17 and that at that age you can confuse reality with perception, and i do believe i achieved that. there's still some bull shit though in reality. my g-ma commented on my tattoo and wanted to know what the "new age" people thought of it. hahaha. what the fuck? seriously. haha. "i like unicorns." hahaha. we ate pretty well too and i miss the walking but now i am here back in retard land. its strange to be back here with this life as my "home," if that makes sense. i wonder what it will be like to have a life that doesnt seem temporary. maybe it never will.
well sir, i am going to look into buying me some shoesies on my favorite shoe website now. bonsoir.

well view hellew. it is so hot here but i love it. oh crap, coffee running through me!!! ah.. much better.
i made pancakes and bacon and now im having iced coffee...ahhh....so lovely. hollie is coming back in 2 weeks although i probably will continue to not see her very often. my room is almost done. my mom wants to paint it a khaki color, which i dont really like but i dont plan on living here for much longer so my say doesnt really count. this time next week ill be in colorado. im stoked about the hiking and chilling with mom and dad but the reunion still sounds like a whole lot of not fun.
so i am still reading this kite runner book. almost done. its good but a bit on the depressing side. my mom knows better than to recommend a depressing book to me. ok im going to lie down before i have to get ready for work.

well i am feeling tons better. plus meilleur mes petits amis. je me semble comme une mile...eh...chausettes! hahahahaha
anyway, i drank a bunch of wine last night and stayed up till 3:30, fell asleep nice and toasty and had dreams of confronting my boss and kevin and everything working out. not bad, eh? now i dont have to deal with it! but seriously, im going to stop getting into conversations that would insight a lot of anger. ill just say i cant do it. it's really hard though especially if people think youre the dramatic type that is understanding to bitching and will always chime in on cue. ill just have to change my image a little. it wont be very hard.
so i kept letting addie out last night. she puked outside once, but she did leave a nice little soupy poopy chocolate chip surprise in the basement this morning. and did she have the decency and consideration to eat it, or rather slurp it? no. of course not. so my parents decided to leave ME a nice chocoalte chip poop surprise to deal with. im living with mental people. nate is here to sand crap!