You can ring my be-eh-eh-eh-ell, ring my bell!!

ok so i want to write about something that happened last night. i went over to jordans after work to drink beer and play mario kart. it was me and his four roommates. one of his roommates just moved in with them a bit ago and will be going off to iraq in december. i was playing mario kart with coleman and that kid (they call him bomb) brought out an air gun from wally world. immediately i was uneasy. but then the fucker shot me with it in the knee! i was really shocked and couldnt believe he shot me with it and it hurt like a bitch. so i was just like OWWWWW and i think i called him a name or something im not sure but he kept playing with his gun and i kept playing mario kart. i was REALLY nervous and wanted to put my hood on. every time he played with it i tensed and then i ended up scooting way close to colemans legs (I was sitting on the floor) cause i was so scared. slowly everyone went to sleep but me and bomb played zelda till 4. hahaha so it didnt really bother me at all. and i think he felt bad about shooting me cause he asked me if i was going to be ok and i forget what else. but then i got home and peed and looked at my leg and i started thinking about it. i thought about how i pretty much did nothing after he shot me. i didnt jump up and say fuck you and leave and i didnt calmly confront him about it when we were alone playing zelda. i cowered and was just afraid and didnt want anyone to become more upset. let me tell you, when i realized that i lost it. well, in combination with being extremely tired and slightly pmsing. i basically sobbed for the next half hour. not just for that realization but also because i was so scared and since i did nothing about it my body still wanted to be afraid and not just tense so we cried. im worried that ill allow people to abuse me. hell, i know i have always let people walk all over and mentally abuse me ever since i started having friends, but shoot me with a gun?! josh used to kick the crap out of me no matter what id say. naturally, a lot of this stuff has been dealt with and im very aware of it. but last night was odd for me. i dunno. fucked up, right? im going to have some words with that kid though. i have to.

Well Harry Potter turned out to be a fantastic movie. I need to see it again for a better overall opinion, but not for the special effects; they were perfect. I watched Chamber of Secrets with the old Dumbeldore in it and Heather was right, the new one sucks my left one. All the old one had to do is raise an eyebrow or give a flick of the lip and you know exactly what he's thinking. It's almost playful. This new one is a jackass. He's supposed to be wise and old. Why did he cover his eyes when the Goblet of Fire spat out the names? What the hell was that? Dumbledore afraid of a little fire? Fuck no! I'm not quite sure how I feel about Voldemorte either. He didn't seem naturally evil enough. Biting a lip and wide eyes doesn't seem sufficient. It has to be inherent in his being, same thing with Dumbeldore. And I'm not sure those actors achieved that. Well, I know this new Dumbelfuck didn't.

In other news, Jordan is again being a fanny tit wank who just doesn't get me. I'm also meeting with Renae today and for some reason everytime i have to go see her these days I get an anxiety thing. I REALLY don't want to take a Klonopin but I guess I might just have to anyway, I have a lot I want to talk about. I really hope we have cinnamon toast crunch. mmmm. nope, we don't. i am absolutely starving. bye.

Harry Potter in 24 Hours!!!!! EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

In preparation, I am doing laundry so I have as many clean pairs of underwear as possible. How long is that movie again? :)

Well I did it. I finally sent Clarke my resume to be a Caribou Coffee manager. Yikes. 8 weeks intensive training all over Chicagoland. That's scary! But if I get it I have to get a car and if I get a car I think I am going to get a newer one and just make payments. I think I am going to get a Hybrid. How much are those things? I'm thinking of a Prius here. Is it a waste of money? Are they not fully tested yet and are over priced? I wouldn't get a 2006 but probably something like an 04. Does anyone know anything about that? I just want to get a car I won't have to fix for a very long time and one that isn't going to hurt the environment. I'd probably get the garage if I bought one. Hahahahaha!

So Jordan and his dumb friends found three toilets in our neighborhood and lined them up nicely on our front lawn at 3 in the morning. The full length story is a lot funnier but I don't feel like writing all of it.

Harry Potter is in a few days! (Instead of commenting on your blogs Heather and Andy let me just say, I think you think I want to dress up way more than I actually do, and if you don't want to dress up I am totally fine with that, unless you want to sew and buy stuff. In that case I will definitely put on the chicken hat and wear it proudly.) I am so excited to see it! There was an article in the Trib about how Harry and co. are all preteeny and full of hormones. It was great.

Wow, not an interesting blogger. Oh well. Did you see the Simpsons last night? It was awesome.

last night i worked from 8-2:15am. That's right. 2:15 in the MORNING. It was a blast though. It was me, Sandra, Dickles and Ashley. We smoked in the store and drank beer too. You could not believe how much shit that place has in it now. Christmas shit. They have a special present for you if you put $100 on a caribou card, which is basically like a debit only for Caribou. $100 on a coffee card? It's so odd to me because I just cannot support that type of wastefulness. But we do have sparkly lights that are going to be on ALL THE TIME for the next 2 months. I am thrilled about that. I do like sparkly things. if i ever get bored i can just stand behind the counter and squint so that the lights look cooooool. i laughed so hard last night my stomach hurt. that hasnt happened for a while. but we were talking bout these chocolate toffee almond things that have powdered sugar on them and dickles is like ya, like those egg noodle things. and we're all like, what the hell are you talking about?! and he goes, havent you had egg noodles before? and i go, ya in my chicken noodle soup. hahahha. i screamed a lot too last night and told my boss i would munch her bou'. hahahaha. oh boy. bye. harry potter in one week!!!!!!!!

ok don't tell anyone but my new favorite coffee is dunkin doughnuts vanilla spice with a wee bit of cream. i got a doughnut there today after i got my wart zapped off. you know why i got a wart? i had fake nails for a while when i started at the bou and decided it would be nice to hand people their drinks and change with nice fingers and not bleedy stubbins. but the lady who did my nails had a wart. and im almost positive thats where i got it from. gross! a wart! oh well. oh and by the way, you can NOT bite a wart off no matter how many times you try, it just doesnt work. the doctor kept telling me how much this might hurt and then the dealy wouldnt work so she had to leave to fix it. and she came back in and said something like now my anxiety level would really be up and im thinking, oh lady, you have no idea. im about to shit myself. hahahaha. oh! and when i got there they wanted to weigh me. oh yes. i lost 19 pounds. thats what gastro intestinal funness will do to you. thats also why i got a doughnut. mmm. chocolate glazed.

so i talked to jordan last night. apparently he was praying about calling me and then a half hour later i called him. ooo i wonder if it was divine intervention! who the hell gives a shit. that doesnt make one difference to me and im not going to worry about it. but ya, i did call him since im sick of my passive agressive nature coming out in anger. and we talked and it went pretty well. my respect for him shot back up by a lot. a ton actually. i told him i didnt like him, nor had i ever. which isnt totally true but i didnt want him to think im like coveting him like nuts.

then last night i had this wonderful wonderful dream. well, hmm...youll think im crazy after i tell you about it. so i had to hang out with this younger guy, sort of look after him. he was probably 17 or so. maybe even younger. who knows. and when his friends saw him following me around and stuff they teased him. at the end of the night or whatever and when our time of whatever it was was over he kissed me. and let me tell you, it was a DAMN good kiss. my fav! ahhhh........... HAHAHAHA even in my dreams the boy im kissing is illegal. hahahahahahahaha....oy, my whole thumb is numb now from that damn freezey me warter off.

im going to play outside with the dogs now. and pee. yes.

i think i peed a little

well today is a lovely day off and that is good because i have a lot of little wee whatnots to do here and there. mainly, though, i need to get some serious writing done. i met with renae yesterday for the first time in like 3 weeks. by the way, i misunderstood dr. elliot. i have a panic disorder withOUT the fear of public places, not with. haha. yea for me! but anyway, i learned a lot of new things yesterday and am trying to think about myself objectively. here's what i mean. um...oh its so hard for me to explain. i need to think and put it into words! but basically. if you see someone doing something over and over again you assume there is a reason behind their patterned behavior. there is an area in my life that i have neglected to apply that template to, if that makes sense. and she raised a lot of interesting questions for me to think about too. like i have extremely high expectations of people (which basically comes back to me having high or unrealistic expectations of myself). and if i have that type of perfectionistic (for lack of a better word) outlook, then why is it so difficult for me to confront people i love, or disagree with someone? i have some ideas but like i said, i need to write about it. although yesterday at work i was feeling angry at sandra and lorreen told me to call her immediately otherwise it would drive me nuts. and i believed her because..well, its true, but also because she knows exactly what im talking about. so i called sandra. YEA FOR ME! and i told her how i felt and it was a good conversation. i know that may sound lame ass but it was an important thing to me.
i got a ticket to see harry potter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok enough i have to get a move on, dawgs.

and i wanted to be lisa.

so last night was dickles' birthday party. i almost didnt go because of the psycho introvert in me but im glad i did. his friends are all really cool and funny. and his wifey is so sweet. after hanging out with kevin and his friends, then jordan and his friends, it was nice to actually meet some people who i consider to be normal. this kid across the street was obviously told to rake but he doesnt want to and keeps waving the rake around. personally, i wish he wouldnt rake. if you look out the back of our house the sky and the ground are all yellow. its pretty cool. so we are not going to start ripping this house up until after thanksgiving which means that grandma and grandpa are coming. boo-urns. im still wanting to go to the crappy concert. i mentioned it to dickles and them and maybe the idea will blossom. i also told sandra. and rachel. holy shit, would sandra and rachel love each other! that would be the funnest time ever. the three of us. whew dowggies. ooo! and you know what else? last night jordan put this finger condom thing on for when you have a cut and loreen asked him if he had a boo boo and he said ya you want to kiss it? and then hes like no ill just make jamie kiss it later. and i go, wow, you flirt with everyone. and he said something about it being charming and im like um no, its obnoxious. what the hell? since when did flirting become charming and not the most immature thing ever? flirting is charming?! to me flirting is something you do to send a message to a particular person that you like. if you dont like them i think its a very obvious form of dishonesty probably routed in insecurity or manipulation. but charming? not a chance in hell. thats something you should have learned in sunday school or "how to be a christian boy 101." dumb ass. i fancy telling him that too. we didnt get to play simpsons clue! i was jipped!!
ps- i have made it so that if you comment you have to do this word verification thing. it prevents automatic computer spam. i recommend you do it too.

ok so i want to go to the ok go concert on the 18th but i dont know who to go with. i think their music is pretty lack lustre but i still want to go. they lack a lot of talent and their lyrics are filled with too many cliches. but i still want to go. i wish steve were around. steve and berto. where the hell are you?

i like these lyrics a whole lot.

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit like a perfect gentleman. I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day. I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning and an open tab when your judgement's on the brink. I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there, drifting offto sleep. I'll be the platform shoes; undo what heredity's done to you: you won't have to strain to look into my eyes. I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch a cold.
[this is my favorite part:]
I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth.We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony. Where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names. Identities erased.The sun will heat the grounds, under our barefeet in this brand new colony.

ok so wheaton is pissing me off more than ever these days. it's the whole damn place really. let me just say, though, that there are a TON of really great people there. there's this one family that always comes in that are so so nice. and this old guy who was reading a book by a christian "feminist" from the 13th century. and the leprochaun is alright. his co-worker is definitely all right..yowza! but holy crap, i want to blow off the heads of some of them. and it's so hard because everyone is christian so you judge them all the more harshly. and then you realize you're being unreasonable and that's irritating. like the driving. these people cannot drive and i find myself yelling, "and you call yourself a christian?!" that's not cool of me. and it's not just the lame human-like shit that they do. EVERYONE IS SHELTERED! a bunch of my co-workers are really pissed off that we might be open on christmas and i'm like hello, it's retail, grow the hell up. and this other person didn't know what it was like to work for a nonchristian. it's just the general vibe i get there from everyone and lately it's driving me bonkers so i felt like writing about it. there also seems to be a running joke among wheaton students who have drank or smoked pot. it's so against the rules and it's like the coolest or funniest thing ever when students break them. why go to the school then? too afraid to be "in the world?" mommy and daddy won't allow it? too afraid you might fall away from a god you don't even believe in and just follow because that's what your youth pastor and friends told you to do?
see? i'm unfair.
i was a fat clown for halloween, and i wore blue shoes and purple eyelashes. bitchin. hollie is in the bahamas right now. nate's mom paid for her airfare and everything. oh ya, it's a cruise. poo on their heads, all of them. i rented "friends" dvds. tomorrow is a day off. i have two appointments to go to. i'm going to go now.