this is my new dream date. it's a shame he likes drugs and is older than my dad. that, and i havent even said hello.

well boys and girls my cranky pants are on and giving me a wedgie. and the goddamn solitaire wont let me win. stupid dumb people who do nothing at work but sit against the dumb counter and look off into dumb space. then i had to tell this dumb tard that our giftcards were not free and to put it the hell back. "oh i thought it was an advertisement." ya. right. it looks just like an ad you dumb tard. and im gonna be pissed if i start to get into that boy guy cause i dont think its going to work out. dumb boy guy. and my dumb feet hurt and my dad sprayed poison under the house and i think theres a big dumb dead animal, so this room smells like a big dumb ass.

agnusthemercless: so you and yoko
agnusthemercless: tell me about that
agnusthemercless: whys it so good

MySonAnonymous: The sex?

agnusthemercless: HAHAHA
agnusthemercless: i hope not

MySonAnonymous: No, no, no, not that at all.

something that made me laugh a minute ago that no one will get:

"fresh french pastry?"

"nope, ive got corn"

"but you cant have corn for breakfast"

"nope, that is true."

hahahahahahahahahaha

ok so men. after the age of, oh, i'd say 2, for fuck's sake just say no to overalls. ok well. so what to write. hmm.. its starting to get colder. my fingers are cold right now and we dont have any heat in this house. we dont have any heat and we dont have any air conditioning.
i went to jordans last night but i had a panic attack. (good news though, i went out to dinner before hand and all was peachy.) it sucked and i didnt want to tell him about it but i did and i feel better about it. as we were going to take the elevator im just like, oh hell no, i cant take that thing right now, and we went on a short walk. you know why i like him, even if just as a friend? i think he brings out good things in people. and me. to be honest, there is a small part in me that would like him to know the me that was leading and "on fire" for god, whatever the hell that means. but all i have right now is broken me still so offended by a shit world someone perfect apparently made. so my life is full of paradoxes. id love to get some sort of picture of that. i wish i was more creative and i could express that in a painting.
side note: one of my favorite things to do is give my dogs bones. if you go near them while they're eating it they stop for a few seconds and look up at you and wag their tales. you can tell how happy they are. its awesome.
i was writing last night how mature i feel this relationship is panning out. at least for me. there is no desire in me to have this boy be it for me for the rest of my life. i remember in high school all i wanted was a boy friend to fill my needs. i was miserable when i didnt have one and would bitch and moan on paper how shitty being single was. and ive been single for so long now and heres comes a person that im attracted to that is becoming a friend. some things in my life would need to change before i started any serious relationship, and ive recoginzed that even before i ever met whats his butt. so im working on it and feeling super good about it.
OOO!!! i just had an awesome thought! YEA YEA YEA! i am really wanting a gross, addied totally farted, oh yes, i am really wanting a discipleship leader or just some woman i can talk to about my questions. and there is this woman who comes to caribou who is awesome, or seems awesome anyway. she brought sandra a big sunflower and we talked about aberdeen because she is studying at cambridge right now. maybe when she gets back we can chitty chat. BITCHIN!
hollie agrees that that word is underused. its thundering. im going to make more tea and read some potter of harry. ahhh....

This is me showing you my wee feelers.

ive got wee feeley-ers!

is it just me or is the lead singer of green day a babe? its going to rain here soon yippie! its all getting dark and breezy. well today is my day off. oh holiest of holy days. i saw a humming bird too and my mom and i reminiced about the time it flew up to the window we were sitting by and stared at me for 30 seconds. she's convinced it was a miracle. ok so i hung out with jordan today. i don't think he gets me and i dont know how to communicate myself to him so that it makes more sense. does that make sense? so im just being me which...oy...wow that old man totally has an ipod. what the hell? do old people know what an ipod is? what a hip man. i got shoes in the mail and jordan was with me when i got them and was like, dont you want to save your money and don't you aspire to move out of your house? hisquestions make me all the more sure of where i am and how happy i am to be here right now. i certainly wouldnt mind living with some people in particularbut here is not a bad thing or a place i just cant wait to move on from. i dont know why i have to defend that. so ya, im just like this is odd. whats going on now? hahahaha. i think in a past life i was an octopus. i think i had suckers and feelers or whatever because my personality is very much like that. ive got wee feelers going all over in different directions. im going to sucker them to zelda now or eat cookie dough...mmmm....

so speaking of throwing up and gagging I have an addendum and oh shit it's a good'in.

so mom picked hollie up from the train today and as they were driving home all of a sudden hollie doubles over and starts gagging. apparently a guy that they drove past had started projectile vomiting all over the sidewalk. HAHAHAHAHA oh it's so funny if you picture it. poor hollie and her weak stomach. dickles said he had to clean the girls' bathroom and someone puked next to the toilet and it was all noodley. he thought it was probably some dumb girl purging her dinner. he also started to gag and almost throw up. throwing up is damn disgusting. tell a funny throw up story. do it.

im going to read and go to bed early because im sick and very sleepy and i think i have a fever too. boo-urns.

ok so has this ever happened to you: my throat is absolutely killing me so i sprayed that cepachol stuff on my tonsels. but i think i missed or it went down the wrong pipe because i couldnt breathe. i was swallowing and swallowing and if i wanted air i had to gasp it. so i made weird ent-like wheezing noises. and i went into the bathroom and i started retching but not throwing up. basically throwing up without any yummy bile coming out. hollie booked it. she said she would have lost it if i started throwing up. and i cant stop swallowing or coughing now. so what the hell, eh? now i need to go to sleep. i was so looking forward to sleeping in cause i havent slept really well and my body wants to chill out a bit but now apparantly i have to pick my mom up from the airport, which really blows because i so badly wanted to talk to renae (we switched meeting times). well. no more retching so i think it's time for some sleepy. i closed with dickles tonight which is always a blast. every time i say something he knows exactly what im referencing and we laugh our asses off. and there is zero sexual anything cause he's married. its so fun. oh man so i called whats his butt and i guess it was ok and he came in later tonight wearing my all time favorite cream in the pants ensemble for a male to wear. but i was feeling so so so sick and i still feel really sick and i think i have a fever. i just want some cuddling. and maybe a foot rub. i feel like ive had a really long 24 hours and i just want someone to hold on to me for a little while, you know? like its been a lot for just me to manage getting through and i want someone to put their arms around me and for me to take a deep breath. oh well. ill just settle for another cough drop.

well. im finally starting to meet people in the area. went to a party last night. i felt a little out of place but did meet some very cool people. of course one was drunk out of his mind. i was supposed to go to church with this guy this morning but i was awake all last night thinking and freaking out. at one point i just starting counting to not think. at another point i had to tell myself to shut the hell up because i was being too analytical and stupid. i texted the guy at 7:30 and told him i wasnt going to go. shitty, right? right. so i was talking to hollie about it and she told me that was a dumb thing to do so we called nate and nate told me that was a dumb thing to do and now im going to call him. nates like be sincere but dont tell him you're a psycho.
anyway, being there last night made me miss my friends. for the first time in a while. meeting people, especially guys, is really rough. so i sent rachel an email and i sent kurtzy an email and im going to send berto an email. and im going to mount a plane and visit dianers. maybe on her christmas break. oo! hiking in the snowy mountains, eh diane? i also realized that deep down im still this incredibly awkward gothic teenager, even though i now accept and love myself and look different on the outside. im truly a nerd though. let's just be honest here. i like putting model pirate boats together. i love playing video games in my jammies. i love reading. i love being an introvert. i do love my few friends even though i have blown them off recently, and id do pretty much anything for them.
ok so this party was a house warming party and i told the kid that i was going to buy him this vine-type plant. and he asked what it looked like and im like, have you ever seen the fear factor where they have to eat horse rectum? it looks like horse rectum...kind of like my shirt! (cause my shirt had these weird ruffle-dealies on them. so he's like, so thats your horse rectum shirt? oh holy hell. ooops. HAHAHAHA. ya like i wrote before, i think im too much.but thats pretty funny, right? i thought so. screw everyone. ok hollie keeps bugging me to finish harry potter and like my friends, there is really nothing i wouldnt do for harry potter...i mean..um...hollie...riiiight....

in honor of the weather and because i was in the mood for it, i made soup and a grilled cheese. for scotland. but there was no hard apple cider or diane to play gin with. oh well. today was my day off. last night i was feeling like i just wouldnt be able to sleep again so i decided i should take a little extra of the recommended dose of tylynol pm. yes. at 1:15 too. long story short, i woke up at 2:51. damnit damnit damnit. i was like, thanks for waking me up, no wakey. hollie couldnt believe i took that that late. so im feeling rested. and about $200 poorer. i went shopping. i ended up at the nordstrom rack store. holy hell. not bad at all. totally organized in a way that stresses me out but oh well. i wish they'd redo it. man it feels like halloween outside. rainy and kinda cold. just like scotland. i didnt get any shoes. not a one. the only ones that struck my fancy im going to think about. and guess what else? i bought a pair of jeans that are a size 29. thats right! hot damn! i tried on the 31s thinking theyd be just right but no! too big! and i refrained from buying $78 jeans but i did have them in my hand. i saw all the new marc jacobs stuff at von maur. of if i had $500 to spend on a sweater....its funny on here because i never really say anything important to me. i write all that down in a wee book. speaking a books, i need to start reading a new one but i dont know what to read.

apricots make you shit

i dyed my hair red. like i used to in high school. its way too dark. so im feeling yucky about boys right now. i never have issues with them and i certainly don't want one around. there are moments when i want some lovin but other than that, see ya. this 30yr old music teacher keeps coming in. like 20 times a day. and he got me apricots and he said im the funniest woman in our town and i said thanks and he said, no thank you. he tells me im gorgeous and he winked at me and asked me when i get off work. boo urns. im going to have to be a cold bitch i guess and hopefully he'll get the hint. i like to be nice to people and talk to our customers but i guess youve gotta be careful how nice you are. i dont flirt really at all with anyone but some men take being nice as lets make babies. it jsut makes me feel poopy cause i do not want to be like piss off but i might have to. its sucks rejecting someone. maybe he'll leave me alone. yes, i will ignore him from now on and will throw out my apricots. the good thing about getting hit on a lot after years of awkwardness and rejection is that i dont give a shit what people think cause i think im hot and i feel great about myself and i think that shows too. i just dont feel odd in my skin anymore. and although my worth as a female does not come from other people, it is nice to be complimented and feel like you stick out because of all of who you are, not just how you look.
there's this other new kid at work and he's a foxy fox. i havent figured him out yet though. i would consider dating him but man, just thinking about dating makes me cringe and feel panicky. what an odd paradox. in high school when i was sad all i wanted was a boyfriend. now all i want is a few good girl friends and no boyfriend. and i really dont feel like ill want one any time soon. i just havent had that desire for a person. i liked ian but not really as a person. there was no friendship there. and i loved lucas but i just wasnt attracted to him. i liked luke but that's cause he tickled my pickle. but not in forever, maybe even ever, have i wanted to date someone because i cared about them. well, i think maybe i did with steve, but that was a fucked up relationship because i didnt feel equal to him and was never really attracked to him consistently. maybe im just not meant to be a wife. ew weird. me as a wife. theres a title im not into. mrs. andrea. gross. so ya, ill just keep being hot and sexy for me and be happy and alone forever. sounds good to me.

if you've ever wanted to see me angry you should come over now. i was supposed to be at work an hour ago but i thought i started at 12. so then im all ready to race out of here at 1125-ish and there's no car. so no one can leave work till i get there and theyve been there since like 6. had i known i had to work at 11 i could have at least taken the 1120 train. of course there is no 1220 train. so instead of being only a half hour late now ill be 1 and a half hours late. dum de dum de dum. so here i am with my thumb up my ass waiting waiting waiting for either hollie to get home or dad to get home. im going to cut everyone. i hate waiting. it gives me the farts. ive got the toots oh ive got the toots.

yesterday was my mom's 50th birthday and it was such a success. the night before i went to dominicks and got flowers and balloons. then i came home and decorrated everything. i made "honk!!! happy 50th mom!" signs and all day yesterday people were honking their horns. the little kids going to school would yell "honk!" it was funny. we went to this really nice restaraunt which i was not too happy about. the day before i pooped like a million times i was so nervous. but then after i started decorrating i got a little excited and then yesterday decided to just try really hard not to have a panic attack but to enjoy the company of my family minus josh. so at first i was absolutely miserable at this restaraunt but it got better quickly. for one thing our waiter was awesome. he spoke french so he and i talked the whole night in french. he also knew dutch cause he was from holland, and since my dad grew up in south africa, the two spoke dutch the whole night. ive never heard my dad have a conversation in africaans. it turned out to be a great time. we were far too stuffed to eat the cake i made so we opened presents when we got home. all three of them. oh ya, though, there were 2 flower deliveries so that counts. mom opened all her cards first and she was giggling and bouncing her legs. i dont think ive ever seen her that giddy. it was so cute. she opened her pearl earrings from hollie and her tiffany's bracelet from me (worth an entire week of work) and then the sapphire bracelet from dad. and after she just sat there looking at her wrists and looking at her earrings in the mirror. im like, "wow mom, jewelry and flowers. not too bad." it was so nice to know she had a great 50th birthday. it was really special and we had such a great time. yea!

and her name was ann.

so this girl comes into work tonight and kevin was on the register and i was making a drink and she goes to him, "are you religious?" and kevin is a lot like me in some ways although probably more believing. so he said yes or something like that and she's all like "i'm your sister in christ and you are my brother!" he was pretty polite to her but he was definitely caught off guard. i was watching and was like, "wow" or something but either she didn't hear me or she did hear me and didn't want to talk to me. i wanted her to ask me but she didn't. i would have said yes, i worship satan and nature godesses. or i'm a devout muslim. i wonder what the blonde princess would have said. she didnt even want to say anything to him; she pretty much left right away after they found out they were related. how fucking inappropriate. he was at work behind a counter. what if he had said no. oh well, i bet she's happy she filled her quota for the day. im like "wow, you are a target, kevin." he said, "ya, i feel like a target." if you were not a christian you'd have probably feel insulted and experienced no real introduction to god's character other than a shit one. and if you were a christian it's kinda belittling and just awkward and oh lucky you your sister is a dip shit. i just dont respect contact evangelism at all unless you have this super duper discernment and feel like speaking to someone about their life is necessary at that moment. otherwise it appears so meaningless. it's like casual sex or something. it's way personal but leaves the person feeling empty and used afterwards. i remember being on the spring break trip and we were walking back to our place after the christian festival and doug randomly said hello to this guy walking by and the guy goes, "ya, i'm already a christian!" like he knew exactly what doug's real motives were. it's kind of bizarre. the guy didnt even want to say hello back but wanted to shut off all doors of communication. anyway, that's all i wanted to say. i was infuriated afterwards but am feeling emotionless about it now...pretty much anyway. people are dumb. that's always the best conclusion to make.

oh ya. that movie we saw last night. the big chill. it was insane. it starred lauren bacall and humphry bogart or however the hell you spell it. my mom and i basically laughed through the whole thing. it was so sexist and weird. but the interesting thing about it was that it seemed like witty flirting/banter was like foreplay. i dunno. just the relationships between men and women were pretty fucked up. there was this really old comic that i saw at the flea market that was titled, "the three kinds of women." they were mrs. miss and missed. the first was a pic of a VERY fat woman in a moomoo with kids climbing all over her. the second was a pic of a pinup type girl with her hand on her hip. the third was a cartoon of an ugly librarian. i was like, wow that's kind of offensive. then like a few seconds later im like, hey. that's REALLY offensive. i told kevin about it and he told me that he went to an antique store and saw a pin of a guy strangling this girl and the caption said, "treat em tough" or something like that. as much as i dont think we are totally there with gender equality i am definitely thankful i'm not from the first half of the 1900's, no matter how many hats, muffs and hoop skirts i would get to wear.

Hello. Haven't written in while, at least on here anyway. Today I took off to go to this giant flea market to buy a big old chair but there weren't any. I did however buy a necklace and a baby hat. No joke. This hat is so damn cute and it was only $2 so I got it. hahahaha. It was really hot and dusty. The flea market, not the hat. Last night there were 4 of us at work. Me, Kevin and the 2 new guys, both of whom I was training. It got kinda exhausting at the end cause I was feeling so bossy. But I bought them all pizza and had a nice talk with one of the guys. I have a crush on him. MMM mmm. He is a beautiful boy. But I am probably too much for him I think especially since he's way christian.
can you believe this bridge tradgedy in iraq? that just made me cry.
we saw a pug at the flea market today but he was ugly. I still played with him and got him all hot and hyper. his name was newman. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! oh newman. i loved him. oh i am going to go now and watch this old movie with maman. i felt like updating but i havent really said much. oh well.