disclaimer: ive got my bitchy pants on

well today has been a frustrating day. i realize i am kinda dramatic but i try really hard not to be. i just am so passive aggressive and i dont let things slide off the way they do to some people. i dont want to get angry but i do want to express how im feeling. ok heres the thing. at our store this new line of food is coming out and its a huge deal. its going to be pretty complicated at first because its very detailed and us shift supervisors have a lot of inventory, etc. to get used to. you would think the manager would be there to help us, right? wrong. she has decided to blow us all off and take the week off (nothing was set up today. shit was stil in boxes and it starts tomorrow at open). its bull shit. so we have to figure it all out on our own. shes also showing up to her shifts like hours late. and theres this kid kevin, who rules, and she thinks so too because every shift he works she works. also, when you work with the manager you dont have to split tips and get to keep them all. everyone has noticed this and is pretty uncomfortable about their lack of professionalism: i.e hugging for 40 minutes. and then i have to deal with it and try to play it down. but its pissing me right off because she needs to be mentoring people, so-to-speak, and not showing up late to hang out with her friend. and now this whole food thing. oh ya and i havent gotten my goddamn raise yet. im still doing all the work of a manager but getting paid like a regular worker. this is bull shit and i just feel like im ready to throw in the towel. im way too smart for this crap. in fact this guy who knows my dad and who i met in little rock (he makes the Pover-tees) wants me to go live in Rwanda with their family and help establish a bank and shit. see thats the kind of stuff i could do but i still dont feel ready. the good thing is that im moving in that direction. i also have my room to sand and paint and hollie is coming back soon and so my dads getting pissed at me for not doing it. also, we've got this shit reunion coming up. ive also been feeling pretty empty lately too. i feel kinda lazy again and get frustrated when things dont go my way, which is really not good. just all this stuff is on my mind today and what i really want to do right now i cant do-which is to have a great piece of ass. hahaha. but seriously, i'd really like some sex. i hear that solves your problems. no? well, i'd still like to give it a whirl. i took a shower when i got home and tried to calm down because i had such an angry tight feeling in me. i tried 3 times, if you know what i mean, but i still feel kinda frustrated. i wish i had a punching bag. i should buy one just so i have something to beat the hell out of. i made chocolate chip cookies recently and i stupidly left the bag up in hollie's room. point of story addie is outside now with a stomach that is as hard as a rock. we are hoping shell throw up out there. oh ya, other point: unfortunately, addie is not something i can beat the hell out of even if i do want to drop kick her down the stairs. argh. i wish i wasnt at home. i think a lot about my apt. in galesburg when i was all alone when both melissa and judy were gone. i smoked cigarettes and was just by myself. i wish i was there right now. it was so peaceful and it was all mine. like if the world blew up id still be in there smoking cigarettes all by myself. mom made pie. its time to put my more content feeling less sorry for myself pants on now. see you.

well i am totally going to return my sex and the city dvds. wow. how dumb.
mom and dad are going to this huge millionaires party tonight. he throws himself an enormous bday party every summer at his estate or whatever in lake geneva. ever seen meet joe black? it's kinda like the party at the end. my dad met the guy through his work and asks him for $. hollie went one year. she said it was way crazy. each year there is a theme too. one year it was the theatre and this guy had broadway actors flown in (holy shit, how do you spell flown? flone? oh boy). ive never gone.
the famly reunion is coming closer and closer. my gradma was going to have all the girls and all the boys room together. in other words, all the little girls and andrea and two little boys and josh. all the rest our age are married. umm...ya...no.we're going to room together.this place we're going to is actually a christian lodge and there is no drinking or smoking allowed AT ALL! isnt that great?
my mom keeps telling me to read this kite runner book. a year ago my g-ma was in a book club and told my mom they were reading it so when my mom saw it on sale she got it. so i'ma gonna read it. apparantly its now a best seller. im fucking hungry.

so i just spent $195 on the entire set of Sex in the City DVDs. Oopsie. I should never have come on here to look at the prices. Damn. HAHAHA. Oh well. I got a random check from Knox for $200 and I still have no idea what it's for but it's to me and there you go. Don't worry, I am definitely going to be giving some moolah away. I am thinking of sponsoring a woman in the Congo. Shit, it sounds so arrogant to say I'm "sponsoring" her, you know? How could I say it? I guess it doesn't matter. I'm trying to get a bunch of people from work to also do this. It sounds like a good thing. I do need to be careful with my monies though. It's weird because I actually have more than $50 in the bank and because I have it I feel like I should spend it because it doesn't really matter: as soon as I spend it I'll make more so it'll even itself out. Is that not right? hehehe. I have been better though. I realized that it's pretty dumb to be buying summer clothes, winter clothes too for that matter. I just don't go out enough to wear all my cool clothes and when I'm at home I'm in my pjs. SO my cool new gaucho pants still have yet to be worn. That, and they make my butt crack look..well...obvious. They do that to everyone I noticed. Oh well. I wore my new mullet t-shirt to blockbuster tonight. That was cool. Anyway, so I am trying to cut back. Although I have been thinking about spending $300 on a rowing machine to work out on. Also, I thought momentarilly about putting a downpayment on a new car and adding yet another monthly payment. What the hell, right? Decided not to. Still thinking about the rower. I love Addie, did you know that? Oh gross. So I went to this bar last night with 6 guys and this guy that works at Cub Foods that is a customer started hitting on me. It was not so fancy. I mean what the hell? I turned away from him like 4 times and answered all his questions with like one word. Boys are weird. I just don't get girls who meet guys at bars and then go off to sleep with them. It makes no sense to me and I feel bad for them. Hey, I'll be able to find out with my new Sex in the City DVDs! Holy crap, I already forgot I bought them. See, that's my other problem. I buy stuff spur of the moment and I never look at my bank account balance, or keep track of it. And then I get something super cool in the mail like DVDs and I think, wow, what a nice present! And it doesn't feel like I lost money for it cause I never knew how much I had to begin with...well, roughly I know but still. Ok who cares about this? Not me. bye!

Oh hello. It's my day off and I have a ton to do but I don't feel like doing any of it. Since HOllie is gone I have moved into her room because we are going to re-do mine. But I do NOT feel like sanding. I feel like watchig Sex in the City for hours on end. In 2 weeks the horrid family reunion is going to occur. I do wish Hollie would be there but she off in Europe being a poo head. Poor Nate, he said he'd go visit her but she's out in the boonies. He said that if she were in like downtown Rome it'd be another story. I have developed this horrible havit of chewing the insides of my cheeks much worse than normal. I think I want to be smoking, maybe that's it. Like right now I don't even want to type, I just want to chew my cheek. So it seems that the Illinois draught isn't so bad. Yesterday's storms were marvellous and there are supposed to more today. Ok this is the lamest entry ever. I have nothing to say. OH! I saw Chralie and the etc. at the drive-in. My first drive-in ever! I don't care what people say about Jonny Depp being like Jacko, I loved him and always will, damnit! One of my favorite lines, "Do you like my meadow?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Fantastic 4 was after and it was THE shittiest movie ever. No plot, horrible acting, no character development. It was pure shit. I could go on but I won't. It just made no sense and I don't know why people were dating and breaking up and why some people were good and some were bad. They had no motives. SHIT SHIT SHIT! But we both knew that.

there are really only two things i wanted to say. first, harry freaking potter came out today and i havent stopped reading since work, except for dinner and except for a short break now. ive already read 200 pages. it rules. second, so i wrote my bro this really long letter and he wrote back to me but not a letter a song. he wrote a song called "andrea"!!!!! he even sings about addie and my scarf. its so damn good i first had tears in my eyes then i just started to laugh nervously cause i dont know what to make of a song that is about me. its so good, though. no surprise it took less than a week considering he's in a studio every night from like 9pm till am sometime. its thew lyrics thought that surprised me. they are good.
ok im going to eat some pie and watch friends and read on. YEA!

don't you totally wish it would rain?

argh. so i am going to demonstrate my passive aggressive nature:

i just read this girl's blog and it was about how depressed she's been. so she decided to "claim" things and then speak john whatever "into her life." that was after she went on and on about how life is so painful and how hard it is to wake up and stuff. end of her entry: life was less...less bad shit. and more...more good shit. and that was it. am i the only fucking person to see that as a bad thing?! i mean basically...what the hell? here's how i read this: extreme depression for a long time that lead to suicidal thoughts. read a bible verse. talked yourself into feeling better. i would bet my entire next paycheck that this new life of hers will last only the day she wrote her blog. or maybe god has decided not to create processes for everyone and wave his little wand for some good people who decide to "claim" things into their life.

i dont know why this shit infuriates me so much and brings out all my resentment for mainstream christianity. im telling you i dont see god anywhere here, i only see this girl's christian environment. something like depression can't be solved overnight. i mean of course it can cause you know god can do whatever the hell he wants. it just seems incredibly unlikely to me. and im not trying to judge this person. i just dont understand peoples' "relationships" with god. i dont want that, does that make sense? i dont want to be depressed and then remember a bible verse and go YES! all better! where is the grey relationship? why is it always black and white? i mean thats what i saw here: claim things like i learned at church--check, read a bible verse and speak it into my life--check. ALL BETTER! see?

(obviously im a pretty reflective and analytical person. i completely recognize that this chick isnt me but that i feel like i was sort of doing what she was doing and became incredibly confused and lost after none of those "black and white" checklists worked all the time. there is no relationship with an invisible god in them at all and it makes me sad that maybe just maybe this girl is missing it. obviously i also wrote this more about me than her so please take that into consideration if you are a you and are reading this.)

as my boss says, "i'm going to cut you all!"

ya...that's what i'm talking about. no one can ever be as cool as this chick with the epcot center hoodie and scottish dumb hat on. oh and a kiwi fruit salad shirt underneath.

and this one too! what a bunch of whores.

and this one!

this girl has the same name as me.

i don't think i made one whole point

my feet are freaking killing me. but i have 2 days off in a row for the first time since early may!!! SWEEEET! i totally got my period the same day as my boss. she was yelling, "COME OUT" to her uterus all day. i just kept reiterating how i had a WWII fighter submarine shoved up my crotch. it was pretty damn funny. it's been fucking CRAZY at work. but it'll get better soon cause of these damn dirty coupons. people are doing a lot better too and i don't feel like i'm baby sitting anymore. this one girl still does my tits in though. ahh....

im going to start ripping my room apart now that hollie is gone. im going to move into her room and camp out there while we sand and whatnot. glad i already stripped all the paper months ago. so i totally put down at the back of the north wind and am rereading (for the 3rd time) the 5th harry potter cause the new one comes out on SATURDAY!! (i'm doing a jig). i want one of our trivia questions at work to be something like, "what awesome book comes out on saturday?" but im afraid they might yell at me for putting a trick question down because harry potter is NOT awesome, but demonic. what a bunch of bitches. i saw a bumper sticker that read, "terry was murdered" and the person had that car paint crap all over their rear window saying "choose life!" why is that the only platform? if i had a brick id throw it. my dad saw a bumper sticker that said, "no one died when bill clinton lied." word.

speaking of bricks when we were little and would go camping hollie and i found bricks and scratched faces on them and called them our brick babies. haha. so i heard the G8ers are cancelling all debt and doubling aid in africa. we'll see if that happens. im not sure about the debt cancellation. i mean its a good idea but im concerned that itll be like, "ok good, we see you've done something, now lets move on," you know? like because they achieved something black and white they will cross off their checklist and forget about helping people. im not one for writing checks as a solution. but im glad about the debt being cancelled. i just hope the governments get their poop in a group. im always sad about africa and skeptical this will be as great as some like to think.

mmm i want some pretzels. and beer. if you were wondering, jasmine is ok still. addie is too. i watched friends tonight with my mom and it was the one with the pug puppy. holy hell i almost shat on the floor. SO cute! i want one! I WANT A GOLDEN GOOSE, DADDY! ok im going to read the devil book now. wish me luck. if i start casting spells and punching holes in the wall don't blame me, it's the children's book i'm reading. i have no autonomy whatsoever.

germans: 1, Jasmine: 0

so holy crap. we took the dogs for a walk (my dad and me) and this big stupid german shepard came running out to us so of course jasmine and this dog went at it. i tried to pull jasmine away but my dad was pulling on the leash and ripped up his hand cause its a retractable leash...took the skin right off his hand. they were trying to bite each other and this dog is HUGE and jasmine was on her back cause she was pinned. so my dad wanted to get this horrible barking growling dog off jasmine so he kicked it in the ribs. not too hard (he says not hard enough). of course addies all barking and trying to bite this dog too. her leash is all tangled so it was even more hard to get jasmine out of there. we eventually got away and jasmine had blood all on her mouth. it mite have been from the other dog tho because i couldnt find a cut anywhere on jasmine. either that or it stoppped bleeding. i feel bad for my dad. that rope burn must KILL! its too bad we didnt see the dog coming so cause we didnt react well enough. i cant believe my dad kicked the dog, he just said he tried to get between it and jasmine to protect jasmine. that dog could have turned on my dad, good thing it didnt! its just funny how you react when weird shit happens. if i ever see that german shepard again im going to pee on it.

I keep hearing about the Congo and how crazy fucked it is there. This time I saw a little bit of Oprah. They sent in a woman journalist to interview women who were victims of sex crimes. Some women were held captive in the forest for months and gang raped tens of times every day. Sons were forced to rape their mothers. Many women have children from their rapists, and many husbands have left their wives because of this. I just went up to my room and pretty much cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I rarely cry and if I do it's just watery eyes, nothing to drown a mini Alice in. So it felt good for me to cry about this but it sucks because when you cry about something like this you don't necesarily feel better afterwards because the world is still just as fucked as ever and many women are still up in the mountains. So there's a numbing and depressed self-acceptance which made me feel empty and just that I had to move on. I need to deposit money into my account but I think I am going to sponsor a Congolese woman. You send money but you also write her letters and stuff, which will be incredibly odd for me. What in the hell do I have to say to her? I feel kind of hypocritical too because I am pretty much against writing checks and feeling like you've done your good deed. But I have some money and I want to support a woman and her family. Prayer just doesn't seem to be cutting it. The next day London was bombed. Good news though! When I was in DC I had one friend and her name was Rose. She was going to become a lawyer, not sure why really, I guess cause that was her plan to make money. But she got kicked out and now wants to go to the Peace Corps in China to help victims of sexual trafficking, and women who have HIV/AIDS. She is going to get a masters in public health to help establish health programs in countries that don't have a great system. She said I was like the first person she ever met who had a social conscience. That's pretty much the nicest compliment ever. I wish I lived up to it.

On a less serious note, I totally got a green purse. It RULES! I also got a Ligre t-shirt and a t-shirt that has a guy with a mullet and it (the shirt, not the mullet) says, "Workin' for the weekend." Hahahaha! I also got One Campaign bracelets but they haven't come yet, the non-profit bastards. I also got some of those gaucho pants from Guess. HAHAHAHA! It's like wearing a....well, pretty much nothing. Hollie is gone now and won't be back till August 18. She missed her train from Paris. Dumby. Not her fault, though. I hate traveling, it's way too stressful. Here's our trivia question from work today: what is the outermost layer of the sun's atmosphere called? If you have any other good trivia let me know, I could always use it so the people can get 10 cents off. OH! So this tan monkey-looking army guy came in to my work yesterday and ordered a drink and this nerdy guy with his son said, "Please let me buy that for you." HAHAHA. It was funny. My mom thought it was sweet. "Here, please let me buy you your coffee before you are unnecessarily shipped off to a country to be blown up in...There, I have done my civic duty." I told the army guy that I wished I could get an outfit like his so I could get free drinks. HAHAHAHA. Now because I'm nice I said it all sweetly and flirty and jokingly like, but I fucking meant it! hahaha! bye!

So I totally fell at work again. It was pretty funny. It's funny when you fall because you react without thinking first. I fell and I yelled, "I FELL!!!!" Weird, eh? It was funny so I started laughing. Oh guess what? My bro has no money so he doesn't eat except for garbage that he finds. Isn't that super? Yep. My dad is now telling me each of his expenses for the month and where his salary goes. He has no savings account. It's retarded and I just don't get it. Makes my one loan payment of $56.12 for the next 12 years look like nothing. Anyway. So work is much better now. We are firing Miss I suck the Big One herself, so that is pretty niiiice. All us managers had a meeting at this Mexican restaraunt. It was very fun. Ok I have nothing to say. I was having a conversation with my mom and dad and now I lost all drive to write. Goodbye.