holy moly i haven't been on here in ages. isn't that weird? i think so. part of me would like to delete the whole thing since when i started this i was not in a good place. it's interesting to look back and read it, although i do have plenty of hand-written journals too. oh well.

josh jumped off a telephone poll and now his foot hurts.

Ok so I have to admit it...I signed up for Eharmony. It's so fricking expensive. And so far not worth it at all. They are all into golf and not reading. You can't even search, they search and match for you. Whatever. My dad was laughing at me for closing all the matches because the dudes are hideous. He said looks are the least important. Whatever. I'm not going to live with someone for 50 years if they are bald. Screw that.

I've listend to Gnarls Barkley's "crazy" like 50 times in the past 2 days. I love it. hahaha

So anyway, that's what's going on. Not really...

Oh what the hell

More proboscis monkeys!!!

this is a story of a suicidal proboscis monkey who had a run-in with a mirror:


when push came to shove, however, he couldn't do it, so instead he turned to the next best emoition: rage



unfortunately, while throwing a temper-tantrum in borneo, our little proboscis fell out of a tree and died. he did come back in the next life, though:

Ok, so screw all of my girl friends with crappy taste. ah well. i didn't get the coat in case anyone cares.

so tonight is new years eve, right? right. and i am at home in my jammies. and drinking a giant bears beer glass filled with jameson and diet caffeine free pepsi. hahahaha.

i could be with heather at muldoons listening to live music. or stopping into various parties with jamelyn. or eating dinner at rock bottom with hollie, abbie, and nate. oh ya, and then there was the whole "can i come over? we could cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or something."

but i turned all that down. that's kinda fucked up, right? to drink by myself in my jammies and listen to music really loud? what about to be enjoying myself? is that really bad? i'm not going to analyze that.

so....
new job=fantastic
new car=SO fantastic
new pay check=a lot (well not really at all but a lot for me!)

i had a great time yesterday at steve's, though. i was planning on being there for like an hour but i ended up being there for 8 hours or so.

ah...bob allen.....

heather and i had fun getting coffee and shopping today. and believe-you-me the puppies at petsmart were a huge disappointment. no one wants to look at bichon frises and mini grey hounds that shiver. no one.

we ran into coleman. holy hell. he looked good. goooooood. have you ever seen that friends episode where phoebe bites the guy she's massaging in the ass? ya....

this is a horrible update but i wanted to say something since it's been a while. please scroll down for proboscis enjoyment.

to my girl friends with excellent taste:

I am thinking of getting this Nine West coat. It's on sale from $179 to $115. What do you think?

Proboscis monkey time!!!

Here is a cute little guy:



this guy is a thinker:



and here is a family:



and here is a dirty, dirty proboscis:



and then one i'd like to hug or poke or BEEP:



The End

well it's been a while. a baby has even been born since i last wrote! YEA! YEA FOR LUCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm going to pinch her till she cries. oh yes. plus, she was a bit of a fat ass at 8 and a half pounds. i hope she doesn't continue trying to torture her mom for the rest of her life.

speaking of new awesome things, i got a pair of fantastic boots. hahaha, just kidding. i did but not like a kid or something.

pottery is, like i previously foresaw, bitchin. although the wheel? not bitchin. i get to finally start glazing some pieces tomorrow and that is going to be a ton of fun.

last night was another lady night talking about jesus. yes, jesus and all the crack paul must have smoked. we each like paul a certain percentage, unlike jesus, for example, who we like 100%. if you took the average of our likeness of paul i am guessing it'd be about...hmm....70%. does that seem too high? hahaha. HE'S A NUT BALL! although he did say some pretty nice things about jesus. and that helps me a lot so maybe 70% is just right. :)

i start volunteering this week, hopefully, as long as i can switch my schedule. the main thing that i want to start doing is being a "friendship" volunteer, which means i am basically an on-call family member for a specific refugee family for about 6 months. i can't commit to that yet because i may move, so instead i am going to be volunteering at the after school clubs they have for the kiddies until i can commit to the more serious...well, commitment. and the after school club i'm going to join is an all girls art club. YEA! i can't wait!!! ok so i just talked to the boss man and i CAN Start this thursday. bitchin!

so what else? caribou and coffee making and supervising coffee makers in general continues to suck my left and right one. hey! have you seen a proboscus monkey? they are so freaking awesome. i am totally going to paste a pic of one on here in a wee minute.

there are two more pumpkins out front that i think i may have to carve by my lonesome today. that is ok! and guess what else?! i may buy a car this afternoon! i figured out my budget and i can TOTALLY afford it. i'm going to get an echo i think. hehehehehehehe. well, we shall see. the good thing is that at the rate i write on here i probably WILL have one by the next time!

and my love life? still non existent and still not really an issue. except when we go bowling and everyone has someone to high five. and i dont. hahaha. just kidding. ok, time to look for that damn monkey!

Hi-ty hi. I thought I'd post a little something something since I am online and do not feel like looking for more jobbers. I applied to 4 today. I am guessing I'll hear back from maybe one of them. I'm pretty confident, right? I'm doing better than I was on Sunday. That was the day I laid down on the bathroom floor (never a good sign for me) with my head on the floor. Geeze! I don't know why I lay down in there when I get really upset. It's a bathroom floor for fuck's sake! I know I am trim but I can't say for sure the rest of the family is, if you know what I mean. But anyway, I am doing a ton better. No thanks to my lady group on Mondays. YA LADY'S GROUP! And my pottery class stars on Wednesday and I have volunteer orientation class on Thursday. This is going to be bitching. Oh shit, I close on Thursday. Hm...I specifically asked for that off. Damnit. Anyway. I went to Walgreens tonight and bought a lot of little things that added up to $82. Thanks Heather. I am looking at cars right now because it keeps me motivated and excited. Then I like to look at apartments too. And i went onto Myspace cause I haven't done that for a few days, although I can't open people's sites because our computer will shut down, which it did today in the middle of an application (for the second time!!!) josh texted me today with a pic of a butterfly belt buckle. aparently i have one coming. Then he texted more pics of Law and Order shooting an episode at his studio. That's weird. I don't really have anything philosophical to say, nor anything really to bitch about. i am reading romans 3 right now and it is fantastic. oh and shit! yesterday's oswald chambers made me cry my little eyes out. but with HAPPY TEARS! I love happy tears. it was so awesome. he said we should praise god in silence because it is silence where god teaches you. basically that you grow up when you realize talking to god is silent really all around. so then i started just thanking god for crap and not thinking about anything and i just sort of sat there with my eyes closed just feeling him. it was so great. this might mean im going to start listening to jesus is my hot lover music. riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. oh ya, and i got my winter clothes down from the attic today too. they are bitching and i was happy to see them. hello!

oh momma. i don't know what's wrong with me today but it's a good thing it's my day off. i have some serious soupy poopy issues. i woke up and went to the bathroom and out it came. i dont have a stomach ache, i just went to bed with some really kickin gas. and now ive pooped like 5 times. weird..... hollie said, "This is exactly why i don't trust you being in my room!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

in other news, yours truly just signed up for a pottery class. also, im applying to a job in pittsburgh that i am at least qualified for. also, the stupid volunteer coordinator at world relief hasnt emailed me back. i am trying to volunteer there asap. ok im going to see if i can get a new phone because my flip phone is all loose and crappy. then i am going to apply.

TOday is a day off! Bitchin! I'm on my second americano. I think that's about 8 shots. Anywho, I've been looking at cars to buy. Looks like I'll either get a Toyota Echo or a Hyundai Accent hatchback, post 2003. My dad's childhood friend, Ronny, and his wife are staying with us till Monday. Ronny has long curly grey hair and wears Chuck Taylors. He also chainsmokes so they just stand outside and smoke with the door open so we can still talk. Last year their house got broken into and their daughter was raped in her bed. That's it. Nothing was stolen. The dog was killed, though. But the girl became a Christian through all of this. Ronny and his wife are not, in fact they are quite the opposite. But Dad and Ronny and his wife keeping speaking in Afrikaans and I have no idea what's going on. The language is pretty damn ugly. It's like Dutch. Gross. They missed their flight so they couldn't go see the Ghords last night. Hahahahahaha! But tonight Ronny and his wife are going to see Johnny Winters. Mom put her foot down and refuses to go. She hates Johnny Winters. No duh. Diane is in Glasgow and wants me to visit for the wedding next year. That would be awesome. Ok bye

ok so i'm pretty much screwed if i can't spell councilor. why is it with an "e"? it makes no sense. that's it. i will change it. i will be the employment concilor. ok i forgot the "u" but now even better. the EMPLOYMENT CONCILOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bitchin.

addie got a bath and then a bone and she was eating it on my rug and i said to her that it smelled like wet dog bone and hollie laughed from inside her room and i asked her why and she said because addie and i were like an old married couple. it's true.

here's the wee little car i want!

Ok, well I am still pretty much freaking out here. My interview went from 2:30 till 5. I met with Adam, the VERY cute employment councilor I would be working with. and we talked for about an hour-ish or so. He asked me about myself and my faith and my passions, etc. And I asked him about the rewards and downsides to the job. I also asked how many hours he worked a week. He said he did a lot of 60 hour a week weeks. He said it was because he is a perfectionist work aholic. That's great...just like me. But we had a really nice talk and then I met the other person I'd be working with, Dan. Also cute and very funny. Then we went to this apartment complex and met with some refugees. The first guy we met with was Somalian. The next two families also. Then we went to the Iraqi family's house. They were crazy. I had this banana drink and it smelled like frying meat and now I smell like frying meat. They were hilarious.

This job is way over my head, friends, and if they offer it to me I will probably take it because clearly God wants it cause I am not sure that I do. Well, I do and I don't. The great thing about it is that it's 50% in the office, 50% out. It's just working with refugees and helping them find a job and keeping that job. But Adam and I talked a bit about me being a woman and how that is a potential area for conflict. The makes me nervous too. Am I a big enough ball-buster? Cause that's what I'd be, one big ball buster. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! It feels good and it feels weird and I am scared and excited and I feel ignorant and I don't know what else. I'm gonna need some more Jesus because I can't possibly imagine doing this full time without that at my core. I just don't have enough faith in myself but I also do. I just don't know. I want to talk to them more and get their perspective because I want them to have the best person for this job. Cause if they hire me and I'm not that would be horrible. But if I am, well super. I really admire Adam for what he does and will look up to him for support and guidance and leadership. He's going to be a great person to work with, instead of starting a super scary job and having a shitty manager. That would suck. So, as Adam told the Iraqi family, Inshallah!

Well, there's a block party. We were invited. The front said "you're invited," then you open the card and it says "he's not" with a pic of a shirtless guy holding a beer and sporting a mullet. i read this book in college called the declining significance of race. what the hell was the author's name? william something. anyway, his theory, which many people including myself disagree with, is that racism no longer exists because it has been replaced by classism. i think racism definitely exists but so does classism. there wasn't even anything creepy looking about the guy. he was smiling and looked like he lived in galesburg. our block is retarded anyway. there are 50 million kids wearing helmets right now on trikes and scooters. i don't think my kids will wear helmets. what's the point? you're like 3 feet from the ground and unless you have a head the size of a watermellon, chances are you won't split your noodle open. we've had this "block party wagon" trailer sitting on the corner for the last two days. they paid for it. a specific block party trailer. that's dumb.

i've been looking online at cars and apartments. i wish i had more money so i could get a nice one of each but chances are i won't be able to. i really want a scion xa, but it isn't rated as the safest and i want the safest. i don't care really what it is as long as i'm not going to crunch up like tin foil if and when i get into an accident. and i want it to last me a good 15 years too. the scion xa is in the top 10 most fuel-efficient cars though, so it's still in the race. the honda insight is pretty bitchin looking but it's too much, whereas the scion xa is only about $10k if i get an '05. i want marroon. i looked at a picture of it today and i laughed at it because it's awesome.

jamelyn said she didn't want to live in warrenville because it's too "hickish." i disagree since it's still in dupage but i specifically want to live in a "hickish" area. lindsey says west chicago is little mexicano. i hate lindsey and that was a terrible thing to say. but good cause i am going to look into west chicago. if i still have to work in wheaton i at least will be working with refugees and living outside of wheaton. hollie says i have a lot of animosity towards wheaton. and by wheaton i mean the college and the town. it's true. i do. oh ya, thunder! i hope those helmets have metal in them. HAHAHAHAHAHA! stupid kid on a scooter getting struck by lighting cause of his dumbass helmet. hahahahaha. that's rich!

hollie and mom are at a bridal trunk show. i had so much fun trying on bride's maids' dresses. hollie is going to pick something too informal, though. she wants it to be a dress that people can wear more than once. seriously? that blows. i want fancy and hot! none of this calf length crap. boo! oh well.

addie got a new little bed. it's a wee couch and she looks so cute in it. mom pinched her nose. lalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalalaaaaaaaaaaa.

today is sunday and tomorrow is monday. the day of my second interview and my bibley group. so i haven't opened my bible once this whole week. not a once. it's already bibley group again and i haven't done shit. that's no good. it'll be nice when i get a job that won't require me to work every sunday. then i can commit to going to a church. or at least commit to thinking about committing to one. i gotta say, though, that recently i really have wanted to move to chicago. i'm secretly hoping i won't get this job and that i'll find one in the city so i can move there. if i were to say that it is more diverse and open-minded in the city some people might disagree with me because people are people wherever you go. but i gotta say, i think that in certain areas or even in most areas, people are similar. galesburg had a certain type of person. st. simonds did and even aberdeen did. and believe-you-me, wheaton does. and i don't like it much. hollie read a quote that said if you surround yourself with like-minded people you end up not doing much thinking. well, i'm changing it a bit, but it's close. so bring on the atheists and muslims and lesbians and irish and latin american! hopefully this job will bring that.

oh boy this kids are chanting. hey, that reminds me. the guy at world relief said their biggest group of incoming refugees is a group of turks. anyone know what group it is? he said something like mankee or something like that. with an "m". anyone? yes? no?

i've been playing donkey kong for n64, which totally rules. but when you load your game it tells you how many hours you've played. i have surpassed 24. that's lame.

this is nice. it's like a buffer for my stupid last post. in case you need some clarification, it's a pug dressed up as a monkey.



Here's another I like. I dedicate this to Andie.

someone's got a poopy diaper

Mom and Dad are being really supportive of my whole job suckassness. I appreciate them coming into the "computer room" (corner in the sunroom) to put a hand on my shoulder while I fight tears back. It is so discouraging to...wait, let's count them...check out jobs on...14 non-profit job search engines and...21 organizations' websites. Josh told me today that I am a loser basically for still working at a coffee shop and that if I really wanted a job I'd have one. Not having one is because I am not trying or, as the Buddhists say, envisioning myself in a job thus finding a job. I told him he didn't know what he was talking about but I'm feeling kinda weak and shitty right now. It makes me want to cry when I read "Driver Needed! Drive a bus because they're great!...." Or that some Wheaton grad nabbed a job I'd rule at. I didn't even get an interview. Heather said that they see Wheaton Grad or Harvard and drool, and that maybe I want to edit my resume to highlight my "other" good points. That's nice...Silly me and my shitty liberal arts education from Bovine University...They just read my shit and threw it in the "no" pile. Dad said "I'm sorry Andrea, you're doing a great job and soon it'll just snap." Mom said, "I don't believe that God just lands things on our laps, but I do believe that when we are actively searching for something he meets us," or something like that. I really appreciate that. They are encouraging to me a lot, and even though it does seem like the wisest move would be to just manage Caribou or take some radom office job, I know that that's not what's for me and that they support that. I hear lots and lots of no's when I think about those options. I hear keep waiting and looking and trusting when I think about the fruitless pursuit of what I really want. Meh and Boo.

Megan called me the foul dog mom today. That made me smile. Vince got kicked off Project Runway. That was bitchin. I got some new games and movies so that's also good. And fancy beer. I'm going to sunless tan now and try to beat Yoshi. Oh no, I can't do that. I need some Jesus. He's helping me out lately and I like him. Well, I'm trying to, but it's like he smells or something. Even though he's cool and all he still really stinks like B.O. and I don't really want to spend that much time around him getting stale butt fungus stink in my nose. Does that make sense?

ah yes, today is a caribou-free day. i'm still in my jammers sipping on coffee (so not completely caribou-free). just had two croissants and i'm wearing clogs. ahhhh... i read some blogs and am just really enjoying listening to addie snoring before i head off to the job search portion of my online extravaganza. it's so nice that fall is coming. not winter though, i hate winter. fall is nice. and i have all the coffee and friends episodes i need to make today a wonderful day off. (mumzy bought me season 10 at costco!) oo! and tonight is return of the jedi night. i couldn't be more thrilled.

i made a committment to the girls last night that i would talk to god more. i want to be successful in that but i already feel like maybe it's a lost cause. i really don't want to be the only loser in french class who has no idea what the hell is going on because i just don't understand the language. i have to remind myself of what annie told me, which is that my "checklist" should be to be quiet and have no checklist. i like that idea. i also have to make sure i don't ramble on and on. renae and i both pointed out on numerous occasions how the question would only be answered if i went full circle with it. sometimes it's doubtful when i'm staring at the other side but don't worry, i try to come back. heather is not like that. she is a linear talker who is good and eloquent and good. (hahaha) i really appreciate people like that. hollie is like that too. another tangent: annie told the three of us that we already knew each other, etc. but to still say a little something something about ourselves. she was kind of right, but i was also very happy to learn a lot about andie and heather and to see them not as my friends but as people who have a story with god. it's very different to see someone objectively like that and to love them more because of it. man, i have missed that. i'm a little skeptical of the naughty place book, however. the wisest people i have talked to or read from always end up saying that the more they know and the older they become, the more they realize how much they don't know. so christian living-type books leave a TERRIBLE taste in my mouth. we shall see.

ok, time for more coffee and august 28th jobs.

ps- i hate it in books when ok is written as OK. it's mean. "i was ok" turns into, "i was fucking OK, damn you!" so if you say you're OK i might not believe it.

what is berto's address? someone tell me. i emailed him. kurtz was supposed to let me know but he didn't. so what is it?

me and harry potter are like this...

so yesterday was the engagement party. first the two fams had dinner together. i got flowers for the moms and hollie cause i rule. even tho nate is adopted he really looks like his mom. it's weird! then all the mom's friends came over and then hollie's friends all came over. and by over i mean to nate's house. it was a ton of fun. i can't wait to party again in a big hot awesome dress. and i will drink way more, believe you me.

i hate work like i hate wearing tampons. it would be way more fun if i only worked with megan or lisa, but it would still suck to be on my feet all day long. i am really surprised at how there are no jobs. i've got like a million search engines and four applications in and here i am still sitting and hanging out with my thumb up my ass. i also have celery in my tooth but that's kinda unrelated.

josh is coming home on the first. so that'll be fun...hurricane josh..let's make some predictions at what could and probably will happen: he'll discover gold in some rock, he'll get arrested punching a window (oh wait, that already happened), he'll finish his novel, he'll get hit by a car skateboarding, he'll get sick and whine for hours and hours for my mom (that already happened too), he'll get in a big fight with all four of us and make us all feel like shit, he'll beat nate up, he'll call us selfish for wanting to drive the car, he'll punch me in the arm, he'll spin addie around till she gets dizzy and piss me right on off, he'll make me want to do a head roll for 24 hours straight. we shall see. i think i will write down every little weird ass thing he does, from bringing the underwear model over, to dumping a huge pile of dirty laundry in the livingroom. it's going to be a nightmare.

opening three days in a row and going to an engagement party is great because it helps you forget about how you have no friends or money. mike's being a douche bag and hanging out with all these 19 year old lush sluts. richard is getting a tattoo, perhaps even now. i can't wait to see it, seems a bit impulsive, but i have no idea how long he's been thinking this so i'll shut up. andie is still my hero and i can't wait to call robby's wife when she gets back and get together. she's going to hopefully help us become more of who we really are: passionate and not complacent. and not selfish either. that was one thing i noticed about the engagement party that i really loved and want more of: to be less about me. it was all about hollie and nate and i wasn't the center of the universe. it's so nice to forget how your life is mostly a waste and useless, and to remember that there are other things that are way more important. harry potter felt that way a lot. i just felt so happy for hollie and the families that i forgot about how miserable i was not having a job. bring around things that were deeply important made me feel less empty. like it filled me to be less about me. does that make any sense? i'm expectant for a "new" me. i feel like i cant be there until i move on. i'm desperate to be around people who love god and want to change the world. i think once i have that things will be very different. yea!

so that's the ring

HOLLIE IS ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well tonight is getting no stars at all. i was supposed to do something with this one person and she never called. then i texted 4 people and the only person to text me back was hollie, and im giving that a stretch. ive been up since 4:40am and im not very tired but maybe i am cause im pretty pissed off. i feel totally ditched right now by pretty much everyone. i feel so damn stupid. i look at my work situation.i hate that but am waiting to hear from places. and ironically im waiting to get a fucking call from a friend, altho i did give up on that for tonight. i just dont think either is gonna happen. so now what. part of me just wants to move away and never even say anything. yes, i know, im feeling sorry for myself, very sorry for myself. so fucking what else is new. the only place i really complain about how im really really doing is on here which is fine since its mine anyway. but i want to. i want to complain and beat the shit out of something. and i want to yell and call names and throw things that will break. and i dont want anyone i like to ever ever ever pick someone over me ever again. i fucking hate that! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ok I'm going to complain.
I am so sick of this job thing and not having a job. I've been looking for the past hour or so and there is nothing. I have 3 applications in right now but haven't heard from any of them, nor am I necessarily thrilled about any of them. I'm pretty much miserable and I hate my job like I hate poverty and sexist men. This sucks ass and I can't really do anything about it.
The end.

so if i could be with anyone dead or alive here is the man.

and he's even hotter with black hair.

i just wanted to paste this for myself so i could come back and look at it. and also for other people too.



HIV/AIDS By The Numbers

15 million children have been orphaned by HIV/AIDS. That's more than the combined total of all the children under the age of five in 48 of the 50 states in the U.S.

96 percent of all HIV cases are in the developing world.

25 million in Sub-Saharan Africa are HIV positive.

Every 60 seconds a child dies of HIV/AIDS related diseases.

14,000 people contract HIV worldwide every day.

75 percent of all the young people infected are women and girls.

So I was washing windows yesterday and was listening to a Beatles mix I made. And for some reason this song struck a chord:

Michelle, ma belle. These are words that go together well, my Michelle.
Michelle, ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble.
I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all I want to say.
Until I find a wayI will say the only words I know that you'll understand.
Michelle, ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble.
I need to, I need to, I need to. I need to make you see, Oh, what you mean to me.
Until I do I'm hoping you will know what I mean.
I want you. I want you, I want you, I want you.
I think you know by now I'll get to you somehow.
Until I do I'm telling you so you'll understand.
Michelle, ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble.
I will say the only words I know that you'll understand, my Michelle.

It's so damn simple and so damn sweet. I just love it. Course that sounds more like infatuation than love, right? I wouldn't mind some infatuation with a person. My faith in that lasting forever is very small and it terrifies me. Guys look around and lie. Mostly, they lie. Hmm.. I really wasn't planning on going there but I guess I did. In any event, it's a nice song that I wouldn't mind hearing "Andrea" in.

So this is hilarious! We just bought a couch. Or should I say FINALLY!!!! And we all moved it in. Then Hollie and Mom left to go eat and Dad and I took off the plastic wrapping. Addie of course was standing about two feet away the entire time, watching. So then my dad and I decided to move the couch out of the doorway and against the wall. So we each picked up a side and set it down. It was heavy so we were both very relieved to get it down. Then I heard a very faint little scrambling. I said, "Where's Addie? She didn't crawl under there, did she?" Well, no, not exactly. All of a sudden we saw the skirt come up at the bottom of the couch and a little nose poking out. Louder scrambling. Then two little legs. The space between the floor and the bottom of the couch is about five inches. Like I said, she didn't crawl underneath. We put the couch on top of her!

I have never heard my dad laugh so hard in his whole life. It was wonderful.

I'm feeling miserable. Anxious, depressed, frustrated, angry, lonely and miserable all around. I think I'm going to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling and get wet cheeks.

Ode to Keith's "Bible Gateway"

So my bahvior last night got me thinking about what Christian guilt really is. I felt just that last night: guilty. At lunch I didn't want to say "guilty" because when a Christian says they feel guilty I usually want to punch them and tell them they don't know what they are talking about and are more concerned with rules and Christian culture. Also, I want to punch non-Christians when they say that they don't like Christians because God forces guilt onto them. Anyway, I felt guilty. I had potty mouth and was vulgar. I think of those verses in Ephesians 5:
I wish I could paste....um, ya I can paste the whole thing. It's my blog:

1Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them.
8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

So me feeling guilty I think comes from a desire to speak to one another with psalms. Or rather how I interpret that, to speak to one another honestly and focused on what really matters-our relationship with God and each other. Sometimes I get so excited and want to make people laugh and essentially like me, so I say things that are absolutely outrageous. And I came home last night and felt almost fake and kinda dirty. People aren't going to see God in my life if I am making jokes about vaginas. And why do I want people to see God in my life? Well, I think because it's so important to me and I want to know what's really important to other people. I really miss talking about him. This verse says to be an imitator of God. Gladly...he kicks ass. And feeling guilty is a feeling I had because I was not being authentic or a person I am proud of. If a person cried because they were being honest about brokenness I would feel more fulfilled any day than to hear someone laugh about my period stories.

I don't know what the point of writing this is. Other than me just writing how I was feeling and to remind myself that I suck sometimes and have shit to work out.

I'm ready for some new Harry Potter. NOW!

POOP I SAY!

I feel like Carrie Bradshaw because I'm typing on a laptop in my underwear and drinking a beer cause it's so damn hot. Although my bra is too big cause my stupid boobs shrunk. Oh well. Anyway, I am leaving tomorrow. I am mostly disappointed about the food I am leaving behind and essentially the money I wasted on said food. For example, vanilla chocolate almond Haagaandaaaaas. Diet caffeine free coke. Banana nut bread. Cream cheese. Peanut butter. Mashed potatoes. Hot dogs. I am thinking that maybe I should bring them with me on the plane (minus the ice cream and beer and coke)? I would have reduced the amount of food had I not gone to the Phillips Collection where my aunt bought me a $7 chicken caesar wrap, and then had too much BBQ and desert at her home later. So I am trying to clear out the beer. No more ice cream though. I have pigged out on shit a wee bit these past 10 days. And ice cream two times in one day is a sacrifice I am forcing myself to make. Ya, I totally feel like a cow. Boobs don't fit the bra and the belly is all hanging out and my ass is hanging out of my boy shorts. Isn't that hot? I probably stink too cause I'm all sweaty. It was so damn hot today. My feet are killing me.

So at the Phillips Collection today was the first day of umm...what the hell was his name...john Kee? Jack Kee? Something Kee. Long story short, he is a shitty artist. Momma was not impressed at all. It's like, if I picked up a pencil and had some paper I could do the same damn thing, man. In one year he created on average 3 pieces a day. Does that explain anything? Also, nothing looked the same. I'm all for creativity and using different medias, but this was just a bunch of crap that looked like a college student trying to decide if they really wanted to be an artist, and if so, what the hell were they going to draw and with what? The brush strokes on his paintings were crap. You don't draw a mouth with one brushstroke unless you're cool. The only impressive thing about the guy was his ability to title his "paintings" and "drawings." Perhaps he should have been a writer.

Renoir, on the other hand, has his shit together, along with Degas. I just loved it. The one painting was the outdoor picnic one of Renoir's. It's amazing. You stand far away and the guy literally painted a shadow so it actually looks like it's the lighting in the room (it's not cause you can tell from the way he painted these two different dudes' arms). Momma likey. There was also a sculpture by Picasso that momma liked. It was called the Jester. I did not like his eyes. He reminded me of that guy from the OT that got his eyes dug out. Who the hell was that? Sampson? You know, the really strong guy who takes out the stone pillars? That guy. That blind strong guy.

Aw damn. It's 11:50 and I need to clean the bathroom and pack. Boo-urns. When is my flight? I have no clue. I'm remembering 1-ish. Meh....

So tonight I must say kicked some serious ass in terms of me conquoring my anxiety. Renae once encouraged me to write a letter to my panic attacks and to basically think of them as a person I am in a relationship with. How do they make me feel? It was rough and I cried. I told them to go away and that they made me hate myself. The reason I mention this is because if I were to write another letter tonight I would be like, "that's right be-atch!" what is it that Golum said? "We told him to go away and away he went!" Yikes, I am Golum. Anyway, so how awesome am I to not even had gas let alone a full blown panic attack with shitting every 5 minutes?! I didn't even feel nautious or light-headed and I don't think once I felt my heart begin to race! I didn't have to put up a fight and remain determined to win. Ladies and gentleman, no one but me could understand how liberating and awesome that last sentence is. Thank you Jebus. And thank you to me! I worked really hard. That's it. I worked really hard. And it took me a year. SO FUCK YOU!, you dumb panic. lol! YEA YEA YEA YEA!!!

I think I will run around in my underwear. Oh wait, already am! Uh oh, now it's 11:55 and I still have cleaning and packing. Hey, does anyone have any clue as to when I'm working? Eh...gross. Caribou...if I have to make one more damn drink I will poop on the blenders so no one will be able to blend until new, sterile blenders arrive. POOP I SAY!

I'm at Starbucks again. But I'm very uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. For one, I think anyone who wants can read over my shoulder. And two, you know what coffee does to a girl like me, right? Comes right out, that's what. So I went to the bathroom to fix the problem but you can't very well shit in a public bathroom if someone is sitting in there as well not making a peep, clearly also taking the advantage of a crapper. So I just flushed and left. Then I walked around a bit and came back and the lady with the orange shoes was still in there, silent as the grave. Lovely....

My cousin and his friend came over to the condo last night. It was great, although we got the security guard called on us. She's like, the guy downstairs called and said you guys were too loud. I looked behind me and was like, "um...we're watching a movie." She clearly knew the guy below was a tard but still had to do her job. Oh well, it definitely put a damper on the mood. Ok, so some back-up. My cousin is named Danny and I've always thought maybe the kid was a bit of a poser although he's funny and smart as hell. I couldn't believe what he looked like. He has half a shaved head, the other half is long and shaggy. He also has a rat-tail. He was wearing a black t-shirt and had a pack of cigarettes rolled up on one sleeve like the fucking Fonz. Then he was wearing these tight stone-washed tapered jeans from the 80s tucked into Rebok classic high-tops. What the fuck...seriously...Oh well. His friend, however, was mighty cute and normal looking. They have been best friends since before high school. We sat on the balcony for a while finishing up some wine and listening to music. After that we walked around for a bit and had dinner at Chi-pot. Mm!! But this is the same Chi-pot I went to when I went to American University. It is actually down the street from the condo. Every 15 minutes or so I would be like, I fucking hate hate hate this place. Everwhere I looked reminded me of something. Like the 7/11 reminded me of cigarettes, lunchables and bananas. On the way back we walked past my old dorm. It looked the exact same. Poor guys had to put up with my complaining and whinning. I needed to at least see it tho. And I'm glad I did. Now I never want to see it again. So then we went back to my apt and sat on the balcony for a while. Oh ya, we bought 2 bottles of wine. I almost bought this pomegranate marguarita mix but decided against it. So when we got back into the apt. I looked to see if we had any tequilla or marg. mix and lo and behold she had the exact same pom. mix and really good tequilla!!!!! Hot diggity! So we made drinks and I drank out of the blender. Those boys are hillarious and it was really nice just to be around people who make me laugh. I also got to share with them how I was feeling and just have fun. At Chi-pot I told them about op-ish and the bong language and we made up a new language called "ini." Basically, you put "ini" after every letter. So my name would be anini nini, dini, rini, eini, anini. The faster you say it the funnier it is. Then, holy crap, we watched Godzilla vs. MeccaGodzilla. And I think this is why we got security called on us. The movie was fucking outrageous and like an acid trip or holy shit I have no idea. I still am not quite sure if I was just dreaming or if I really did watch a movie where when the guy got shot in the face he turned into a man with a gorilla head. Did that really happen? Oh lordy, I don't know. After that we smoked again on the balcony and then they left. I had to wash the window sliding door because Danny ran right into. It was so funny. He's like, "I have never done that before in my whole life." I was laughing my ass off. It's not like he bumped into it, he walked full force into this door. Dumb ass. So I had to take out the organic and toxic-free window cleaner this morning and wipe off his grease marks.

This neighborhood is really ritzy. I don't feel like I fit in at all. It's weird because I live in a wealthy neighborhood at home so you would think I'd be used to it. But I'm not and really dislike it.

I talked to Mom yesterday. She told me to look into the mirror and smile and say out loud "I am happy." hahahaha! Ya, I definitely made fun of her for that. I'm feeling pretty discouraged about a job. Nothing is looking too promising and I can say I am doing my best to find something. The only thing that is is this shit data entry position. I would be miserable. I feel like I have no experience, no specialties, no real skills. I think I'm a good teacher and a great leader...so? Teach? Ya fucking right. And lead? Lead what? I just don't know. I realize having all the answers at this point in my life is pretty unreasonable but I'd at least like to have some sort of goal. And that's the trouble, I have no long-term goal. I love being on my feet running around. I love managing others. I like organizing and problem-solving. I'm a good worker. So what should I do? I need money too. I hate having nothing. I would take a crap paying job if I didn't have loans, or if I had a car and an apt. But I don't have an apt or a car and I have tons of loans. I do not want to live at home at all any more. I love independence. But I love my family. I think maybe moving to DC is a good long-term goal but maybe not yet? I don't know. I'm rethinking Chicago. I wish my dad would send me this guy's email address so I could pursue the World Vision position. A huge motivator to relocate to DC was pursuing a stronger more focused spiritual life. But now Heather and Amy and I, possibly Andie (haven't discussed it with her) are planning on meeting once a week. I miss that. And I think I could be honest and I think those women would pray for me and with me and support and love me. And I want to be that for them too. It's like in the OT when whats his butt's only job was to hold up Moses' arms. I feel like that is why I pray for people. Or rather, why I need to pray for other people. I can't make them hold up their arms if they refuse to, but I can support them when they get tired. The arms, not the person, hahaha.

So what should I do these last few days? I have plans Friday night. Family BBQ! WOOP Woop! Not nervous about that in the slightest. My mom's family is so awesome. They are brilliant and funny and the most down-to-earth people. They really care about me too even though we've always lived so far apart. Another reason I can't move to DC is Hollie. She needs me to help her plan a wedding. I would regret not being there for her to do all of that. Maybe God doesn't really give a shit what I'm doing. It's not like I'm getting married. It seems like a huge transitional period in my life but really, it's not, right? I don't think so. If you are faithful and obedient and surround yourself with opportunities to grow, how could he disapprove? I get really frustrated with the whole "purpose driven life" mentality. "Everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah blah. Oh really? I'm not too sure I buy that. Oh man I have to pee.

So I'm going to go down to the mall. Not like the mall but the MALL mall. I'd like to sit by the relecting pool dealy and read Hebrews. Oh man. gotta pee. bye.

Well hello hello. Here I am sitting at a Starbucks wi-fi spot. Wearing a wife-beater and a turquois bra. Pretty bitchin. This laptop just happened to be on the desk in the apt. I am sitting and I am hoping she won't mind me taking it a block to check email and remain part of the world I love. So I have been here, what? This is my third day? Today is....um...Monday! I got here Friday. So it's my third full day. Oh great, 4 little girls. I have fucking pre-teens. So let me tell you about DC:

DC is split up into lots of little neighborhoods. I'm not sure how Chicago is sectioned off but DC is cut up and each neighborhood has its own characteristics. Like if you live in Anacostia, you will probably get shot. And if you live in Glover Park/Fox Hall (where I unfortunately am) you will feel like you're in Beverly Hills. And if you're in DuPont Circle you will think you're in la la Gay Land. And if you're in Adam's Morgan you will think you're in Frat Land. The good thing is that the buses and the Metro fucking rule. And you can pretty much walk wherever you want. I myself have walked probably at least 6 or 7 hours in the past 2 days. Today it's flip flops and internet. I am pooped. The area I want to live in (which I walked all around yesterday) is called Mt. Pleasant. Hahahaha. Adam's Morgan is pretty kick ass during the day (I went there yesterday too) because the frat kids aren't out and you can enjoy your lunch at a nice little Mediterranean restaraunt. I will show pics of Mt. Pleasant. It looks very European with brick houses all connected on a hilly and narrow street. Trees and flowers everywhere. The other reason I love it is cause the neigborhood is very diverse. Mostly Hispanic, but there is a fairly large African American popluation and white population. It's nice too cause a few blocks away from the houses is a busy street with a ton to do. Well, not really. But you are close to Adam's Morgan if you want to drink, etc. The bad thing is that if I live there I will need a car. And I have no cars. Ok...what else?

I was supposed to have called my aunt back to hang out with them but I am afraid to. I am afraid I will have a panic attack and die. I am afraid that will happen if I get an interview too. That is why I wasn't very excited to come here in the first place. I was afraid I would have to confront my anxiety and fears head on in a way I haven't had to in a long time. I'm in a boring comfort zone at home and I don't have to do anything uncomfortable at all. But here, it's all new and I have no one to lean on. Oh ya, Jesus... Well, He sure isn't the best advice giver. I did get a Warren Wierserbe or whatever book on Hebrews. Coleman and Amy are listening to Chandler's sermons on Hebrews and in the past year I have shied away from the NT since I think Jesus isn't really who people say he is. So I wanted to do a study on Jesus and since I heard Hebrews is the shit (Hollie said it's awesome too) I got this book. And low and behold the title is "Be Confident," and it's all about faith. What I learned so far from the study (the first study) is that this book is written to second-generation believers who are being seduced by false teachers. And since they have doubt and since they neglect what they were taught by the dead first generation, they need a little chastening. Hot diggity, sounds like me a lot. I don't think chastening is such a bad thing at all.

So what does the rest of this week hold for me? Some touristy-whatnots. I've visited pretty much all the areas that I could consider living in. So now I think it's off to some museums. The shitty thing about that is that I want someone with me. It sucks running ideas by yourself. And if I have a question about a painting or notice something about it who the crap am I supposed to tell? It's a great thing to be moved and have experiences with yourself, like if I were to go to the Holocaust museum. But I don't think life is meant to be lived alone in, you know? Of course you know, everyone fucking knows that. I was thinking about this on the bus the other day. I am SO used to feeling lonely and only having me in my life. It's not unfamiliar at all. Like in Scotland I was alone a bit. And definitely when I was in DC the last time. And in college I did quite a bit alone. And then DEFINITELY when I came back from Scotland and had no friends and all I was doing was puzzles and model pirate boats (HAHAHAHAHAHA LOL!!!). It's just a very familiar feeling to me. It's a huge part of me. And you know what else? I fucking hate hate hate it. I like being an introvert and I love having alone time. But too much tends to be incredibly unhealthy for me because I become too introspective and too selfish. Can you blame me for being self-absorbed when I am always alone? It makes tons of sense I think. I think that also explains why I'm so damn weird. I really look forward to being married because I will always have someone to share things with. To never have to take buses alone or go to museums alone. Or to watch funny movies alone. By the way, I think I am going to see the da winky code all by myself. I just have to find when and where it's showing and then I will go see it by my lonesome. I read a review, sounds like pure shit. Oh well, good movie to see alone then, right? I should gain 200 pounds first and where a cat t-shirt and then go. That would be better, right? No. Not at all.

So I'm going to try to find a jobber and hit up some museums. And contine to drink ass loads of coffee. Bye bye

ps-heather send me the address of your blog since when i click on your name your blog link is not there. what the hell? so i cant read your news.

Alright, tell me if you think this woman looks like me.

I have something to say:

Ok, so this is REALLY gross so if you get grossed out easily, you may not want to continue reading. I am dumbfounded, though. So I noticed this bump on the side of my butt yesterday, not really on the cheak itself, more like a bit lower on my hips and over a bit. I thought it was a bug bite. Today I was wearing my little shorts that I wear when it's hot as hell inside of our non airconditioned house and I happened to see it again. I rubbed it and it hurt a little. I showed Hollie and she said gross, stop it. It was a little red. Same thing, totally a bug bite. The kind that hurt a little but didn't itch. I was wrong........................................

So tonight I happened to see it again, had totally fogotten about it. I squeezed it a little and puss shot out of it like a canon. Then I yelled out, "WHAT?" Then I squeezed a little bit harder and a whole shit load came pouring out. It was kinda yellow. I'm telling you, like the size of a number two pencil eraser head. It was fucking awesome. Oh ya and I yelled, "WHAT?!" again. So then I put all that fun stuff into a tissue and figuring I probably had it all, gave it another little squeeze. There were a little blood, which is always an idicator that you're nearing the end of the puss line, but some puss and blood shot out and actually hit my hand. Another wipe and repeat three more times......

So what the hell was all that about? An ingrown hair perhaps? Totally didn't look like it. (Plus, I might add, I have never shaved my ass for crap's sake, so why would there be an ingrown hair?) And it wasn't like a normal pimple that you can tell needs a good squeezin'. It was a red bump that looked like a big spider bite. Maybe it was and it got infected? I don't know but I am definitely clean and never have pimples or whatever the hell that monstroserous mutation was. It kinda hurts a little but just in case you're worried about me, I think the worst is over.......

I ave not acomplished much for a while, other than training 5 people and ending therapy. Other than that, I just haven't been challenged. Hmm..Maybe that's why I can be dramatic-because I want something to challenge me so I make a bigger deal out of little things. Like what? Nothing comes to mind.

The whole wanting sex thing is still floating around me but I have since changed my mind: now I would like to have underwater sex. Or at least in a giant tub. Ya, probably that.

No jobber still. I'm looking everyday. They updated their site today for the first time since the 24th of April. I got all excited, only to discover they had removed a few jobs I was never qualified to apply for to bein with.

I am not a big party person at all and I think drunk or high people are pretty pathetic, but last night I feel like I did my share of party party. Not that I got wasted since I still had to drive, although I probably shouldn't have, but there was just a lot of drinking, smoking, swearing, dancing, yelling, whistling, harp playing, blues playing, foot tapping, hip swinging, screaming across the table, and of course too much laughing so my tum tum hurts. Most of all, however, I have been coming over a pretty intense cold and smoking a ton last night has me on my ass now. (cough cough ow ow).

So I discovered the multiple Zelda games for Gameboy in Richard's drug money/collectors' knives/stollen jewelery/tiny guns "briefcase," and I have been playing ever since. I know consider myself an avid Zelda fan and would like to beat every Zelda game ever made. I have beaten the following: Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker, Majora's Mask, Link to the Past...ya, that's it. And now I'm on the Munchy Forest one...what the hell is it called? Munichs? Minchies? The Minky Woods? Shit...Now I have to find out. Minish Cap! I was close. Anyway, I love love love Zelda. My name is Linky. hahahaha. So ya, been playing that and drinking Chai all day. Gonna play more now. Bye.

Well hello.
This is the most bloggin I have done in quite a while! Weird! But I feel like pooping on here even tho I am hungry and, well, I do have to go to the bathroom (not poop tho, it just sounded funny!).

Tonight I worked with my new favorite coworker, Heather. Also Robby and Noah. It was so much fun! Very crowded and very silly. Soop-air!

Know what else? I usually am critical of people who have sex on the brain, but let me tell you, I want some sexin! Sometimes, and I have posted about this very subject in the past, all I want is some sex. I want some sex. Now. Sex now.

well i did it, i didn't leave my room except for when i had to get the antenae out of the car so i could watch tv. i don't think i peed so it really isn't breaking the rule. i yelled rudely at my mom when she came it to talk to me, tho. i told her i didn't want to talk to anyone. she didn't leave so i yelled, mom please! leave me alone! man, i feel like shit for doing that. that would have totally hurt my feelings if she or hollie had done that to me. i just spent an hour writing an email and then one to her apologizing and now i am going to beat zelda. damn you, ganon!

Today was pure shit and I don't plan on leaving my room for the rest of the night unless I have to pee.

The End.

So will you dumpster dive with me?

well I thought this was funny so since I'm on here I decided to share it:

When I sign online the MSN main window pops up and on it are headlines from the day's news. Today's was "Bush bikes on Earth Day." I read it outloud to my dad who is sawing right over here "I just love this saw...." And he yelled out, "BUSH BITES ON EARTH DAY!" And then I said, "now, now, dad, you can't say things like that around these parts," and he whispered, "Bush bites."

Hahahahaha.

"I love this saw, it's just that easy...You know what else I love? My new orange hammer."

He keeps coming in here to show me the edges.

And you know what else? Every other year for one Sunday people are allowed to throw away whatever they want. That weekend is now. So if you want to look for a lot of nice crap that people think is garbage, come to DuPage County. We've gotten snowblowers, lawnchair cushions, lawnmowers, speakers, "GOBS OF SPEAKERS," says Dad. Wood, doors for our current addition, etc.

well today has been a pretty bitchin day. not only do i have today and tomorrow off, but our new appliances came in the mail and our new fridge has a water thing that you can get CRUSHED ICE from!!!!! BAM!!!! i have always wanted an ice despenser with crushed ice. it makes every drink so much better! so be jealous cause its awesome!

not only that but i won a freaking ipod today. the managers in our region picked two people that did really well promoting our music thing and then the district manager put those names into a hat and drew twice. the winners would get an ipod shuffle and yours truly's name got picked!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA!!!! I never win ANYTHING, not at bingo and not at a cake walk. NOTHING! oo! gotta go!

HI!

I am on the tiniest lapper topper known to man and it is a pain in the ass to type when everything is smooshed together. This lapper topper is probably 8" by 10". Anywhoo, it's my only day off this week, first one in 9 days. Everyone should know that. And I refuse to do any type of manual labor, although I was going to clean out the Burrells' car. It is so awesome to have my own car. I love it! Hollie and I got some coffee and we saw that the Kanye West cd was in there so we then proceeded to get down to "Gold Digger." My favorite part is "she take ma moneeeee!" hahahahaha. Now Hollie and Mom are arguing about how my parents sold the piano for $500 without telling Hollie about it first. Oh well.

I sent my resume to the Dir. of Ops. for Africa at IJM. So if you'd like to give the good Lord a shout out on my behalf, I'd really appreciate it. I'm so excited about it, although it is a bit of a bummer that Jamelyn might not be going to DC, and even if she did it wouldn't be till November, which means I would have to move and whatnot all by my lonesome. I think I could do it though. We'll see. We shall see. What else? I have to pee. Nothing really exciting is going on, other than the magnolia tree blossoming and smelling amazing thru my winder. The house is still moving along slowly but surly. Today, they are installing the new floors. I really like the beat to contemporary Spanish music, but it's like every song has that beat. Why is that? Someone enlighten me please. She take my moneeee! Lalalala!!!

I deposited my check today and since it's my day off, it's taking me a lot not to go and spend it. Good for Andrea. Get down girl, go on, get down!

well i need a new job and there is nothing around here. what the hell is with career builder anyway? it's like a job search for dumb asses. you know what isn't a job search for dumb asses, though? idealist.org. I love them but the kind of crap in chicago is just not up my alley. most of it concerns homelessness or troubled teenagers. you get a different story if you search in dc. foreign and international are in every job description. what the hell am i doing here? i think i gotta move there. i have no idea how i'm going to afford it anyway. oy. i have been praying about it per coleman's suggesstion. what's the point in praying if you're too dumb to recognize what is god and what isn't? if i had to say right now exactly what i am hearing it is that i am hearing many things. the strongest, of course, is to move to dc. but that's the dumbest thing ive ever heard. so just show up, right? then what? i mean it is getting warmer, maybe living in a box down by the river isn't such a bad idea afterall. the cost of living is like it is here, outrageous. and if i live outside of the city i will need to commute. fuck forget it! this doesn't make sense. ok the kid across the street is wearing all red and he just jumped out of the car and started shaking his ass and dancing. i'm pretty sure he's going to be a close and personal friend of the anal region.

i got nothing. i guess what i am going to do is to keep looking at the places i am looking at. but what to do in the meantime? i mean, doesn't it make sense that i need to save some money in the event that i do move to dc in the near future? maybe i should think about that. so how to make more money now..........?

I saw Lord of War last night. People tell me, especially my mom, that I need to see movies that aren't watched for enternainment purposes only. I'm telling you, I get too upset and I hate those types of movies. All they do is depress the absolute hell out of me.

This movie was about a man, played by Nicolas Cage, who would buy guns and later bigger weapons from countries where war was over, and then sell the guns to developing countries for ongoing wars. His most often customer was Liberia. The president bought a big shipment and then gave the guns to his army to kill hundreds of civilians, most likely refugees. The conclusin of the movie was that in most developing countries, their guns don't necessairly have the US President's fingerprints on them, but they might as well. The end of the movie made the comment that the countries that were the biggest dealers in arms were the US, England, France, China, and one other. The next comment was that these countries were also the only permanent members of the UN. It was so fucking depressing. When it was over Jordan said, well that was interesting. Coleman didn't say anything. I went to the bathroom, got on my knees, and pretty much sobbed for about 10 minutes.

It broke my heart. As we all know, I destest guns. This movie definitely supported that position of mine. And Nicolas Cage kept entering and exiting developing countries, bribing idiots as he went. I know I'm not explaining myself very well but that's cause I just wanted to mention this movie but I don't really feel like talking about it at this point. I don't recommend it.

Now, here is something funny. I wanted to post a Spanish comment on Jamelyn's Myspace. So I translated this:

I do not know Spanish but I do know how to use a computer. I am using Megan's example and am writing to you in your new mother tongue. I would like you to come home now. Heather misses you because she feels sad because she is the only girl for miles with big boobs. She said that she misses you because you understand. We miss you! Come home!

And then after it was in Spanish I translated it back to see how funny it would be and it proved successful:

I do not know Spanish but that I know to use a computer. I am using the example and the one of Megan that writes to him in its new maternal language. It wanted that you to house now it came. Brezo him lack because it feels sad because she is the only girl for the miles with boobs great. She said that she him lack because you understand. It needed! Come to house!

Apparantly Heather in Spanish is Brezo. What the hell?